Post # 1
hi I’m new here. I am so glad I found this board and see others are feeling the same way as I do.
Just. Quick recap of my relationship. I have been wth my boyfriend for almost 2 years. We have a beautiful little girl named Harper who is almost a year old. We have started talking about marriage after Harper was born. My boyfriend was all about getting married and even started making payments on a ring right after I had her. He even took my kids (I am divorced… I have Kids with my exhusband). My kids spilled the beans about the ring. He was all about paying on the ring, and getting married for a few months after I had harper. Then that slowly fizzed our. The ring is paid off or almost paid off (should be) and still no ring. Now he doesn’t seem to talk about marriage anymore. December when everyone was getting engaged I told him how I felt about really wanting to get engaged but we didn’t need to get married right away. After that talk he told me not to bring up engagement anymore and give him a few months and mentioned going out without the baby (we haven’t had a date night alone since we had her!) and now he doesn’t even talk about that anymore. I am 34 and he is 33. Our daughter is his first and only child and my boyfriend before me had a few long term relationships but they were never serious. His last gf hounded him for a ring, even got him preapproved for a credit card to a local jeweler without him knowing. He never proposed (which I can understand why she wasn’t a very good gf to him and she actually got on drugs really bad which made him leave). I am terrified that I am gonna be her… wait for years and years (he was with her for 6 yrs) and no ring. Half of his family are with their SO for 20 some years and no engagement or wedding and they are always saying how it’s just a piece of paper. It’s more than that to me and it’s something I want out of life. I’ve made it very clear that if I feel he won’t ever get married, I will leave the relationship and he knows I mean it. A part of me feels like he will eventually propose but will never get married. He is dragging his feet. I feel like he’s gonna propose just to keep me. Last night we were talking about our future and I suggested he get fixed instead of me because it’s easier and I’ve had a terrible recovery since I’ve had our daughter. He said “I’m not getting fixed. We aren’t married. We could break up next month and that’s permanent. That remark alone made me shut down and I am considering leaving he relationship now. It makes me feel like he isn’t sure about our future like I am. I don’t want to waste my time on someone who’s back and forth and doesn’t want what I want. I’ve even considered trying counseling. But I want to be with someone who feels confident in our relationship and about me. I know he loves me, he’s changed a lot for me and is completely dedicated to me but I really think he’s one of those guys who will never take that leap.
Any advice? Thank you for reading. 🙂
Post # 2
I don’t know how he could have been more clear. He told you he’s not thinking about your future together past next month, let alone a lifetime. He has absolutely no plans to make your relationship permanent. You’re actually ahead of most of the waiting Bees. At least your bf came clean.
It’s time for you move on, Bee. I’m very sorry, but life with your current partner is a dead end.
Post # 3
I can assure you he doesn’t want to get married. The remark about being fixed is so telling on his part. I honestly don’t know how it could be any more clear. And the excitement of having your daughter probably temporarily made him feel like he should marry you like most people do when they have kids and are not married. I see all the time that people think “it’s the right thing to do,” when that’s not true. Now that he sees the reality of it all he is probably thinking “what do I need to marry her for?” He takes care of his daughter and that’s all he’s concerned about. He might have even returned the ring since he never physically took it home anyway.
Post # 4
He’s not going to marry you. I’d look up all the paperwork you need in your country to protect you and your daughter (wills, guardianship papers etc) and present him with these. If he will sign what he needs to to give you the status of a wife without marriage then you know he just isn’t into marriage. If he won’t (like the comment about the vascectomy) then he isn’t into marrying you.
Post # 5
Twizbe : this is good advice.
OP, you should do this regardless to protect yourself and your daughter. A marriage certificiate might be a piece of paper, but so is a deed to a house. Without the deed you don’t own the house and without a marriage certificate you lack many rights and responsibilities. There are ways to work around this like Twizbe suggests. Co-habitation contracts or “no-nups”, wills, beneficiary agreements, healthcare proxies, durable power of attonery, etc.
Then think about whether this type of commitment is enough for you or if you need the marriage. 100% personal decision. Once you make it then act accordingly.
Post # 6
I feel so terribly sad for you. If you are ready to leave the relationship and establish yourself as an independent, self reliant woman (an excellent model for your daughter(s?) by the way), then why not consider doing so before he robs you of any more of your self respect.
You ”married” him without expecting marriage from HIS side. Even your statement that you would go to counseling only because of your relationship, is suggesting that you wouldn’t go solely as your own gift to yourself.
You got pregnant only a few months into knowing him, and it is HE has not met YOUR expectations, not the reverse.
You identify as being terrified of an endless wait with no happy (meeting your expectation) ending. You are now totally in control of that except for arranging for financial support for his daughter. If this is not the relationship you want, consider who will be hurt least, and consider acting accordingly.
Post # 7
You’ve been together two years and your daughter is one. My math says that’s pretty fast in a relationship to get pregnant and he probably only stuck around to be a good guy. He’s been very clear with you. If you want marriage you’ll have to find it with someone else.
Post # 8
My husband was engaged the nite we met. He asked for my number and we went out 5 nights later. He subsequently told me he had been engaged the nite we met and went home and broke up with her. He said when he met me he knew that whether or not I went out with him he knew he was done and had never really been all in.
I heard him talking to a friend about it and when asked why he gave her a ring he paused and said “just t shut her up, I guess”.
There may be a lesson here.
Post # 9
Oh pal I am sorry. That’s awful. To make you feel impermanent is so unsettling and demoralising.
You deserve to feel secure and loved and treasured. (And similarly to do the same for your partner.) Do you think it’s possible to feel like that in this relationship?
It sounds like at the very least you both need to have a frank conversation with each other. Did you explain how that comment made you feel?
Post # 10
byebeautiful : I’m so sorry but I agree with PP. He doesn’t want to marry you. You can either be okay with that, like all of his relatives, or you can leave.
Post # 11
I think when he told you he wanted to marry you he was still somewhat stuck on the honeymoon phase of the relationship, but once things became more real (child was born, he was no longer just the boyfriend but the dad, etc.) he realized he did not want to become a husband. Him not even willing to discuss the topic with you is a huge red flag and it should be enough for you to consider letting him go -you can’t have a healthy marriage if you can’t communicate your wants and needs with your partner.
Good luck, bee. I second pps mentioning about getting your paperwork straight to protect yourself and your kids.
Post # 13
It wouldn’t let me comment. I’ve known him since central middle school, just never a romantic relationship until 2 years ago. I did get pregnant quick and I think the “high” after the baby is the reason he got the ring. He has told me he wants to get married. It’s like big foot in, one foot out about proposing. With his family telling him it’s just a piece of paper doesn’t help. It’s a make or break to me. These comments he’s been making lately are the first time he’s made these comments. He says it’s because I seem unsure about the relationship which at this point I am. I am tired of doing wife things without the title. I feel unloved, unvalued, unappreciated and like… I can have your baby, live with you, play the part but I’m not good enough to be your wife? He wants another baby, he wants to buy a house. So I know he loves me and wants a future but im not having another baby without being married. I’m tired of giving myself to him and he hasn’t proposed. I feel like the ring and a proposal isn’t a priority to him and I’m not sure if I should leave, talk to his family to ask for advice? Or start counseling with him so he knows how much it bothers me? I am depressed over it because like I said I’m doing wife duties without the title. We have a good relationship other than this. This is the only issue we have. Do I give him time? If so, how much time do I give him? I’m 34… I don’t wanna waste years on someone who says they’re on the same page but then makes comments about how we aren’t married and is dragging his feet to propose but I also don’t wanna push. I love him more than anything but if he can’t give me what I want out of life than I want to move on.
Post # 14
I don’t wanna nag about the proposal but I have been voicing the last 2 days that I am unhappy with where my life isn’t right now but I have not told him it’s because we aren’t engaged and I’m not going to.
Post # 15
byebeautiful : Every other bee told you the same thing….he doesn’t want to marry you. If he won’t even have a conversation about engagement let alone marriage you have your answer…..no marriage. At best expect a “this will shut her up” ring. At this point he’s basically calling your bluff about leaving and based on your latest update he appears to be right about that. You’re fully aware of where he stands so please stop deluding yourself and try to face the truth. You owe that to your daughter.
You erred bee. You “wifed up” without demanding the actual title and now he has no incentive to go any further. Its a hard and hurtful thing to deal with but this is YOUR future. You have a choice to make girl.