New here. Just need some advice

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
10855 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

byebeautiful :  

I don’t know how he could have been more clear.  He told you he’s not thinking about your future together past next month, let alone a lifetime.  He has absolutely no plans to make your relationship permanent.  You’re actually ahead of most of the waiting Bees.  At least your bf came clean.

It’s time for you move on, Bee.  I’m very sorry, but life with your current partner is a dead end.

Post # 3
Member
2473 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

I can assure you he doesn’t want to get married.  The remark about being fixed is so telling on his part. I honestly don’t know how it could be any more clear. And the excitement of having your daughter probably temporarily made him feel like he should marry you like most people do when they have kids and are not married. I see all the time that people think “it’s the right thing to do,” when that’s not true. Now that he sees the reality of it all he is probably thinking “what do I need to marry her for?” He takes care of his daughter and that’s all he’s concerned about. He might have even returned the ring since he never physically took it home anyway. 

Post # 4
Member
2855 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

He’s not going to marry you. I’d look up all the paperwork you need in your country to protect you and your daughter (wills, guardianship papers etc) and present him with these. If he will sign what he needs to to give you the status of a wife without marriage then you know he just isn’t into marriage. If he won’t (like the comment about the vascectomy) then he isn’t into marrying you. 

 

Post # 5
Member
160 posts
Blushing bee

Twizbe :  this is good advice.

OP, you should do this regardless to protect yourself and your daughter. A marriage certificiate might be a piece of paper, but so is a deed to a house. Without the deed you don’t own the house and without a marriage certificate you lack many rights and responsibilities. There are ways to work around this like Twizbe suggests. Co-habitation contracts or “no-nups”, wills, beneficiary agreements, healthcare proxies, durable power of attonery, etc.

Then think about whether this type of commitment is enough for you or if you need the marriage. 100% personal decision. Once you make it then act accordingly.

Post # 6
Member
2471 posts
Buzzing bee

I feel so terribly sad for you. If you are ready to leave the relationship and establish yourself as an independent, self reliant woman (an excellent model for your daughter(s?) by the way), then why not consider doing so before he robs you of any more of your self respect.

You ”married” him without expecting marriage from HIS side. Even your statement that you would go to counseling only because of your relationship, is suggesting that you wouldn’t go solely as your own gift to yourself.

You got pregnant only a few months into knowing him, and it is HE has not met YOUR expectations, not the reverse.

You identify as being terrified of an endless wait with no happy (meeting your expectation) ending. You are now totally in control of that except for arranging for financial support for his daughter. If this is not the relationship you want, consider who will be hurt least, and consider acting accordingly.

Post # 7
Member
746 posts
Busy bee

You’ve been together two years and your daughter is one. My math says that’s pretty fast in a relationship to get pregnant and he probably only stuck around to be a good guy. He’s been very clear with you. If you want marriage you’ll have to find it with someone else. 

Post # 8
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee

My husband was engaged the nite we met. He asked for my number and we went out 5 nights later. He subsequently told me he had been engaged the nite we met and went home and broke up with her.  He said when he met me he knew that whether or not I went out with him he knew he was done and had never really been all in.

I heard him talking to a friend about it and when asked why he gave her a ring he paused and said “just t shut her up, I guess”.

There may be  a lesson here.

Post # 9
Member
265 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

Oh pal I am sorry. That’s awful. To make you feel impermanent is so unsettling and demoralising. 

You deserve to feel secure and loved and treasured. (And similarly to do the same for your partner.) Do you think it’s possible to feel like that in this relationship? 

It sounds like at the very least you both need to have a frank conversation with each other. Did you explain how that comment made you feel? 

Post # 10
Member
1130 posts
Bumble bee

byebeautiful :  I’m so sorry but I agree with PP. He doesn’t want to marry you. You can either be okay with that, like all of his relatives, or you can leave. 

Post # 11
Member
488 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

I think when he told you he wanted to marry you he was still somewhat stuck on the honeymoon phase of the relationship, but once things became more real (child was born, he was no longer just the boyfriend but the dad, etc.) he realized he did not want to become a husband. Him not even willing to discuss the topic with you is a huge red flag and it should be enough for you to consider letting him go -you can’t have a healthy marriage if you can’t communicate your wants and needs with your partner.

Good luck, bee. I second pps mentioning about getting your paperwork straight to protect yourself and your kids.

Post # 15
Member
1679 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

byebeautiful :  Every other bee told you the same thing….he doesn’t want to marry you.   If he won’t even have a conversation about engagement let alone marriage you have your answer…..no marriage. At best expect a “this will shut her up” ring.   At this point he’s basically calling your bluff about leaving and based on your latest update he appears to be right about that.   You’re fully aware of where he stands so please stop deluding yourself and try to face the truth.  You owe that to your daughter.

You erred bee.   You “wifed up” without demanding the actual title and now he has no incentive to go any further.  Its a hard and hurtful thing to deal with but this is YOUR future.  You have a choice to make girl.

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