(Closed) New Here. Need Help/Advice…

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
688 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Maybe he doesn’t want to get married at all? Has he said anything about ever being married to you? Sounds to me like your communication is off and I’d be concerned about you not being able to talk things out rationally, especially being long distance. I know it’s hard but maybe you should give yourself a “walk date” to know you waited as long as you could. He may be a great guy but if he isn’t willing to commit himself to you I’m sure you wouldn’t have trouble eventually finding someone who will. (or at least be willing to discuss it!) Good luck!

Post # 4
Member
2589 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Its one thing for him not to be ready – its another thing (and a very problematic thing) that you guys can’t have a mature, rational conversation about it.

I was with my Fiance for almost 4 years before we got engaged, so I don’t think there is a certain amount of time where all of a sudden you hit a “he better propose or I’m out” point, but there is a point in a relationship where you should both be able to TALK about it and lay out your plans and expectations for one another in an adult way. 

The inability to do that is a MAJOR red flag/warning sign.  Ask yourself if you even WANT to be married to someone who can’t have a rational discussion with you about aspects of being a grownup.

Post # 5
Member
6745 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

I don’t see how you can have a relationship when two people can’t discuss the future together.  I understand if his timeline isn’t the same as yours, but he should at least tell you what his is.  Perhaps he doesn’t want to marry or perhaps he thinks his timeline is so far away from yours, there’s no point in discussing it.  But, I couldn’t personally stay with a man that didn’t discuss the future with me.  Are you both really young?  Is age an issue?  What does he say when you bring it up?  Have you asked him why he won’t discuss it with you?  The number one reason couples stay together happily for a long time is that they’re on the same page with their lifelong goals.  If you don’t have the same goals, how can you live the same life together?  Just the same, if you two can’t discuss a timeline or a goal in mind for when you want to get married and have kids, how can you be in a relationship? 

Post # 7
Member
97 posts
Worker bee

My last relationship was just like this. I was with my exboyfriend for 4.5 years (also long distance, so i DEFINITELY feel your pain) and had been questioning him about it since about year 3. I finally just sat him down and told him my tieframe. I said that I knew I wanted to be with him and I thought he was the one. He said he wanted to be with me but wasn’t sure when he would want to get married but that it wouldn’t be anytime soon. I cried and told him I did not want to get stuck in a relationship that was going nowhere. I told him I was afraid of losing sight of our future goals. The point is, I was open, honest, and blunt.

Long story short, I left. He soon realized that I was the one, but by that point I was moving on with my goals and my life. We were not on the same page and it took me a while to figure it out.

Now, I’m not saying that your relationship is anything like my last one. But I stand by my policy to always be open and honest with my goals for my future.

My advice is to tell him that it is serious and that it is important to talk to him about where you both stand. Make sure you know what you want as well as what he wants. If you can compromise, that is wonderful. If you can’t… then maybe you should rethink what your top priorities are.

 

Good luck. Keep us posted!!

Hugs.

Post # 9
Member
688 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@boyfriendblues:  I totally get where you are coming from. But I still think that leaves you in an impossible situation…if things keep going the way they are, you not moving without a commitment and him not talking about things at all, you’re stuck! So either trust in him that he is being honest with you and enjoy the relationship that you have OR get him to talk to you and be completely open about how he is feeling, even if what he has to say isn’t what you want to hear. Then you can make a clear decision.

Post # 12
Member
688 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@boyfriendblues: I think space is your best option, the traffic thing…not so much! It sounds to me like you know what you should do and the right choice isn’t always the easiest. The best thing to do is follow your gut feeling and don’t look back, what ever you choose. 

Post # 14
Member
915 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Wait a second. So you dated someone from ages 15 to 20 and then left them when they wouldn’t propose? I know there are 20 year olds who believe they are ready to get married at that point (though that alone is somewhat worrisome), but I clearly don’t think it’s a bad thing for someone to not think they’re ready at that age. 

In your current situation though, while I do think you all should be able to have a rational conversation about some sort of timeline, especially since you’re in a LDR, I wonder how often you are bringing this up, and how you’re handling it when he doesn’t want to talk about it. When you say you’re sending his calls to voicemail all week, I wonder if you’re ready to really have a serious conversation about getting married, or if it’s possible you’re fixated on getting married, and not really thinking about the relationship itself, and whether or not it is marriage-bound.

Post # 15
Member
688 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@boyfriendblues:  I know you’re upset, but I don’t think shutting him out is the answer either. If you cut off contact you’ll still be stuck and it may push him away further. You don’t HAVE to break up with him. You don’t have to do anything right now. You could just sit on your hands awhile and see where this takes you. 

Post # 16
Member
1030 posts
Bumble bee

I got with my bf when I was 21 and he was 20. After 3 years we were living together (and had been for 2 years) and I started bringing it up. He said he wasn’t ready yet (he’d just graduated) and he told me to stop pressuring him, that he was too young and me going on and on about it would just push him away.

A year later he’s bought the ring. He’s ready, but he’s mentioned that his ‘life plan’ said he’d marry at 30. Men just see their lives differently to women.

The fact that you ended a relationship at 20 because he wouldn’t propose makes me question if you know how most guys think- marriage that young isn’t something they think of. All their thoughts usually go into finishing their education and getting their dream job- not settling down.

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