- 6 years ago
- Wedding: May 2014
Hello all! New here and just need some advice!
My bf and I have been together for 6 years. I’m 25, he’s 35. From the very beginning he made it seem as though marriage and kids were what he wanted, by showing me his grandmother’s ring that he has, saying “this is what my wife will wear someday” and asking me how I felt about being “married with kids in 5 to 7 years.” These were both in the first 3-6 months of our relationship. I was only 20 at the time he asked me that, but I told him that’s where I saw myself in that timeframe and thought we were on the same page.
So here we are 6 years later. We lived together for about 2.5-3 years, and then he took a job in a different city, and I’m finishing up my last couple months of grad school. So we’ve been living 1.5 hours apart for about a year now, and see each other on weekends.
He’s hinted here and there. He asked me last summer if I wanted to get married, to which I said yes (he obviously hasn’t picked up on my hundreds of hints! but whatever, maybe he just needed reassurance). He’ll say things like, “doesn’t it just bug you that it isn’t up to you?” (meaning an engagement… which doesn’t make much sense because I’m not controlling and just want it to be a surprise!) Or he’ll say sarcastic things like “good thing you’re not one of those uptight people who thinks they have to be married before having kids,” (which is something he knows I want, and I guess is just saying it to bug me). He talks about how expensive engagement rings are (umm hello?! you have your grandma’s ring which is gorgeous!)
We went to Jamaica at the end of Dec. and I was sure that’d be it. Jamaica is a very special place and culture to him (he had been twice, this was my first trip). Travel is our top favorite activity together, and we’ve become quite the travel buddies and have seen a lot of the world together. To me, I couldn’t ever see getting engaged at home, being that we try to travel frequently and have seen some amazing places! I was trying not to get my hopes up, but I was still thinking, “gee… we’re going on an amazing romantic trip together, and it wouldn’t even require any crazy planning for him! We’re in Jamaica, the work is already done.”
Nope. Our vacation came and went and no proposal.
We’ll casually look at rings when we’re out shopping. And he’ll always comment on how expensive they are. Finally last time, I said that I like things that are classic and vintage. He got the hint and told me that I don’t want “that old tired thing.” I said that it was beautiful and sentimental and really just needs cleaning up a bit. So I think he finally got it through his head that I would actually be disappointed if he bought me something new! So that’s good, but even with all this talk of how expensive rings are, he obviously isn’t pinching any pennies and has been buying himself lots of frivolous things, like a new giant flat screen tv… which makes me think a proposal isn’t coming anytime soon because even when he had it in his head that he had to buy a ring, it didn’t seem like he was saving up for it.
He really wants to buy a house (even though I’ll be trying to find a job when I finish grad school and have no idea where that’ll be). He mentioned several months ago buying one by himself! I got pretty upset and said I thought that would be something we’d do together. But I also made it clear that I wouldn’t buy a house with someone I wasn’t married to. Guess I’m traditional in that sense, but if you can’t commit to someone, why would you commit to such a huge purchase together? This weekend he asked me again if I got a good job in the city where he lives after I’m done with school (which I’m planning on moving back to, it’s our hometown) if I wanted to buy a house. I told him again, I want to buy a house sometime in the near future but I won’t buy a house with someone I’m not married to.
It just feels like we’re going nowhere. I thought from the very beginning we wanted the same things. But it just feels like he’s dragging his feet. All these mixed messages are driving me crazy. We have a great relationship but I’m starting to resent him because of this, and while I’m trying to just be patient and keep my mouth shut, I feel like I’ll eventually have to nag him and ruin the proposal (if there ever is one!).
He talks about not wanting to be too old when having kids. He’s already 35… so I’m not sure what he’s waiting for! I definitely want kids before 30, but also would prefer to not have to rush a wedding and immediately have kids right after. I want to be able to have time to plan a wedding and then enjoy being married for a few years before having kids, but it feels like we’re wasting that time.
I’m just getting so frustrated. I think there should be an element of surprise to a proposal, but it almost seems as if it’s never going to happen if I don’t spell it out for him. I guess I’m just asking for general advice on how to handle this! Either just dealing with it myself or talking to him.
Thanks in advance ladies!