- 4 years ago
I am new here and have not really been on this site a whole lot, but I have looked around here quite a few times and like what I have seen. So I am dealing with some issues right now that I can’t really talk to anyone about and I am not quite sure what to do. I’ll start by giving some background. I am 25 years old and my boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years. We live together and have a home and 2 cats together. We have been through a lot together, a lot of ups and downs. I don’t really know where to start here. I have been going through a lot mentally that I cannot really talk to anyone about and it is difficult trying to sort this out by myself. Sorry, this is going to be a long post!
So, I just turned 25 a few weeks ago and I think I may be going through some sort of quarter life crisis or something. I feel very strange and my heart feels very heavy and burdened. My inner voice has been yelling at me lately telling me that something isn’t quite right, but I don’t know what it is. The man I am with is a great guy, he is very supportive and loves me with all his heart and would do anything for me. The problem is, I don’t know if we are meant for each other. I know everyone just says that you will just know when you have found “the one”, and I thought I did find “the one” at first, but now I find myself really starting to question our relationship for some reason. I am also going through a lot of health issues at the moment as well. I have Fibromyalgia and am having a laparoscopy this week to look for endometriosis so that is another thing I am stressing about. I don’t feel like he is reacting the way he should to my surgery. I am not trying to be selfish at all, I just feel like he should at least be concerned. This surgery is a really big deal to me because this may tell me whether or not I can have children one day. Any time I bring it up, it’s like he just brushes it off like it’s not a big deal. I can kind of understand because it isn’t really an invasive surgery, it is done by laser, but I still feel like he should be concerned about what they may find while they are in there. This could turn into another post by itself so I will try to move along.
So, the other week, I ran across the FaceBook page of an old guy friend. We never dated exclusively and it was in high school. But I had very, very deep feelings for him. He was one of my best friends, we would talk on the phone for hours about everything and nothing. We would write poetry together (I know, it sounds sappy and stupid) and go out together with friends. We never did anything sexually with each other, we only kissed but it never went anywhere. We were really tight for a long time and my mom would always tell me that he is the man I am going to marry some day. I felt like we had some real chemistry together, emotionally and also in a sexual way. I always felt comfortable enough with him to tell him anything. The ONLY reason we didn’t date in high school is because I dated his best friend (before we knew each other) so I was off limits out of loyalty to his best friend. When he was a senior in high school and I was a sophmore, he started dating this girl and we just kind of drifted apart because of her. The last time I saw him was at the mall, I had just graduated high school and he told me that him and his girlfriend were engaged. I felt sad about this but figured it probably wouldn’t last, she wasn’t right for him.
So fast forward to the other week when I ran across his Facebook page. I see that they did get married this past June and they look so happy together in all of their pictures. I don’t know why, but all of a sudden, this hit me like a sack of bricks. It really broke my heart to know that my chance with him really is gone (even though I am with a great man right now). I don’t know why this is affecting me so bad right now, but it really is. I feel like I am starting to distance myself from my relationship with my boyfriend and I feel like I am greiving for loss of an old love. This really hurts and it hurts even worse that there is nobody that I can talk to about this. This is the first time I have been able to say (or type) anything about this at all, I have to keep it all bottled up inside. I don’t know if this is a normal thing that people go through and just don’t talk about or what, but I can’t stand the way I feel inside and every time I look at my boyfriend, I feel so guilty about thinking of my old flame. Even though I was very young when I knew my old flame, I really did genuinely love him. We had a connection that I have never had with anyone else since then. So the relationship I am currently in isn’t bad, but I don’t feel like we have as deep of a connection as we should. I don’t know how to tell him this or even if I should. I don’t want to break up with him and then just wonder whether I did the right thing for the rest of my life. But I also don’t want to marry him, have children and then realize that we still are not right for each other. I don’t want to marry him and then think about what might have been. I know there is no chance to be with my old flame and I have (kind of) accepted that, but now I don’t know if I should be with my current boyfriend either. I also want to add that I have been in a serious relationship my whole adult life. I dated a guy from my senior year in high school until I was almost 21 then we broke up. I started dating my current boyfriend just a few months after that and we have been together ever since. So I have also never had the chance to live on my own and “sow my wild oats” so to speak. I don’t want to marry him and have kids only to resent him simply for the fact that I never got to experience adult life on my own for a while. I brought this up to him a few years ago and brought up the idea of maybe living apart for a while just so I could experience life on my own but he freaked out and automatically assumed that this meant that I wanted to break up with him. I reassured him that this wasn’t the case but he still just couldn’t handle the idea. So the topic ended up just being brushed aside and never talked about again. Every couple of months or so since then, it pops up into my head though. I don’t know, I just feel so confused and I really just don’t know what to do. I just need a little bit of guidance or advice.
Sorry I have written so much and I know there is so much more that I want to say too, but I know you are all probably really tired of reading by now. If you made it this far in my post, I commend you, thanks for reading this!