(Closed) new here. please tell me you have had this experience too!

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 46
451 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

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prettyemme:  I know it seems most posts here seem negative but i think it comes from concern and experiences that want to spare you more heartache and troubles in the future. 

Emme, I know you have overcome a lot in the little amount of time you have had. I’m sooo glad to hear that you are open to seeing this in a different perspective and going to counseling. Please correct me if I’m wrong but you said you were dating him when your parents were alive when you were 20 and then they both were alive when he proposed at 8 months but you have only been dating for a year, so your parents have only been gone for 4 months and you are wanting to jump into marriage so quickly? As I told my own children, do not marry until you are 25-30 at the earliest.

I know he has helped care for you and has been there but that is also something that really good friends do. You don’t even live with this man yet. This would be his fourth marriage, i know one passed on, but despite you citing about seeking advice with a pastor and being religious, it’s clear that divorce is not something he is opposed to. Is that within your religious beliefs if he should choose it again?

You just lost your parents 4 months ago (?), you keep stating how much you are in love with this older man. My question to you (and you may not even know yourself yet) but are you truly in LOVE with this man or are you in love with the idea of being in love and having someone to take care of you.  It seems from the psychologic standpoint is that you are trying to replace the loss of your father. Trying to have someone that cares about you and wanting to fill that void you have right now. As others have suggested, this is something that only grief counseling can help you through. There are lots of ways our bodies and minds react without us realizing that can be destructive or manipulative as we each try and cope with grief, trauma, harsh life experiences, etc. This is exactly what you are going through right now. 

Maybe his family, despite the other theories that have been posted, is also concerned in the place that you both are in life right now. Not just him wanting a 4th marriage but also you just losing your parents and not having many siblings or friends, that they see that as a destructive decision on your part as well. I’m concerned that you keep stating over and over about how you truly love him, it almost seems like you are trying to convince yourself and others that this is a viable relationship. No one is arguing your feelings for him, yet it seems like you keep trying to convince yourself by repeating it. Being wealthy has nothing and I mean nothing to do with love and marriage. If either of you had no money at all, would the relationship still exist? Please think of all these questions and talk about them openly with him. You should be able to talk about anything and everything with him. This included.  

Hugs to you. I know this can’t be easy. We are all strangers here just giving input on our life experiences. Life experiences that you have not had time to even have yet. I’m just thinking as if you were my daughter (since you are their age) and what I would say to you. We have 5 kids and I know from myself at that age, my friends, life experience and my own children, that at 21 years of age, none of them want to listen to adults. They all think that what they are doing is the right thing to do despite what others think or say to them. Sometimes, they have to learn their own mistakes. This is a huge thing you want to do and everyone here is just expressing that they know this would be a mistake for you. I want to say trust us, but only you can make that decision. 

I suggest you really ask him to wait, at least another year. Let you have some time to get counseling and deal with the 2 very traumatic deaths you just experienced. If he truly loves you like a man who wants to marry a woman should, he will do anything for you and wait.

Post # 47
5362 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2016

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soy:  Don’t lump all of us young girls together that have lost our parents! There is no way in hell I would date someone that is at least 61! I find that beyond disturbing lol 


OP, I have been in your situation, minus having cancer myself. I lost both of my parents by the time I was 16. I will be 22 in a couple of weeks. I am also well off financial thanks to them. I don’t believe when people say “You are too young” and all that other shit. I’ve been in a relationship for 5 years, living together 3 of those, and will be married by the time I’m 24. I know that going through what I have in life has made me a lot more mature than most 21 year olds (like sharkgirl’s daughter). Personally, I wouldn’t marry anyone I haven’t lived with and haven’t been with for longer than 3 years because you can still be infatuated and not in love. And I don’t believe you can fully know that person. I know you’ve said you talked to your pastor and stuff, but I just find this crazy. And I agree with others that find it disgusting. I’m sorry his family is treating you like shit, but I mean, can you really blame them if you were in their position? 

Post # 48
456 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

A bit confused why some of the younger brides on here are coming to your defense because of your young age, when I’m pretty sure that I am more concerned about the 40 YEAR AGE DIFFERENCE. It may sound great for right now, but as a few PP’s said, in 10 years you will be married to an old man, and you’ll be 30, basically really just starting out your young adult life. This is going to bring more hardship than anything. 

Post # 49
1088 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

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ksn1219:  not sure where you got that I was lumping every person who lost a parent at a young age to mean they all love to date older men, but ok.

Post # 50
1832 posts
Buzzing bee

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sharksgrl99:  I agree with everything your last thread said.

OP –  you are 21 and independently wealthy. You need a good business attorney and a solid prenup if you go through with this.

I am a 54 yo MOB, lost both parents by the time I was 10.  Ex-h was 30 and I was 20 when we got married.  When we are together at parties for our kids and gkids he is an old man.  He is 64 and people think he is far older when they look at me and know we were married.  

I say this with respect and kindness, but you are going to have an elderly husband when you are in your 30’s.  Think about that.  I really think there is a lot of grief and replacing going on here.

What about kids?  My dad was 40 when I was born and dead before I turned 4 of heart disease.  I know what it is like to grow up without a dad at all and to have children with a man in his middle 60’s isn’t fair to him or the child.  Will he love the child?  Sure?  Can he get out there and ride bikes, and be really active like a 30 year old dad?  Will he act like a dad or a grandfather?

I truly beg you to rethink this and if you go through with this, you need a solid prenup to protect what your parents worked so hard for.


Post # 51
436 posts
Helper bee

What sort of Pastor encourages as 21 year old to marry a 60 year old?! 

Find a different church, seriously.

Crazier things have happened. However, I would consider a 60 year old coming onto me (at your age) as a total predator, considering he was a middle-aged man when YOU were a newborn baby. 

Post # 53
804 posts
Busy bee

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prettyemme:  It sounds like you’ve had a pretty stressful time of it recently – I would hold off on making big decisions for a while. What’s the rush? Apart from that, my younger sister is your age and if she brought home a 60 year old, I would seriously question her judgement and his motives. Just because you’re both rich doesn’t make the dynamic any less odd.

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