(Closed) New house or baby first…my wants or his?

posted 6 years ago in 30 Something
Post # 16
Member
198 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

When we have children, I will stay home with them. This has been agreed to by both of us, and I cannot wait (baby rabies are so real, and so bad.) <br /><br />

^^^^what are baby rabies???

Also i would say put BOTH houses on the market and go from there

Post # 17
Member
11519 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

You sound like us except we’re renters.  I want baby NOW Darling Husband wants house.  We can’t afford house for probably 18 months.  I’m also 31 (and a half) and starting to feel like I’m old!

How close are you to a new house?  You didn’t mention that.  That affects my decision 😀

Post # 18
Member
260 posts
Helper bee

baby rabies (n) the name given to the lapse of sanity in which a person feels that s/he absolutely MUST have a baby in the very near future, and will often go to great lengths to get pregnant and will bitch constantly about wanting a baby in the meantime. Usually happens in women, but men get it occasionally, as well. Crazy person: “Oh my GOD! If I don’t have a baby soon it will be too late and I will be unfulfilled! I want a baby right now!” Sane person: *shakes head* “Worst cast of baby rabies I ever saw…”

Post # 19
Member
1178 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

The poor cat… How rude…

Post # 20
Member
66 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Sounds like you need to have a talk with him. You have no idea what he means by “when we can afford it”, why haven’t you asked him what he means? Maybe he is concerned about making ends meet with baby + single income, and wants to make sure you have enough money to cover costs incase something happens. Not saying he thinks you should still work, just saying that he might want to make sure you are more than stable so you CAN comfortably stay home with the baby. Honestly, I’m just taking shots in the dark because I think “what he means” is KEY to answering the question “What should we do?”

So my response? Talk to him about what he means when he says “have a baby when you can afford it”, then, after getting that answer, maybe you’ll have a clearer picture and can come to a compromise together. Who knows, maybe he’s just got some fears that you can help lay to rest. Or perhaps he has some legitimate concerns that might make you decide to put off babies for a bit. Oh and just a little MUAHAHAHA from HIS perspective – yes, while you can MUAHAHAHA about him needing your signature for a house YOU still need HIS semen to have a baby with him. MUAHAHA on his behalf. (Of course I am saying this to be silly, not snarky…)

Honestly though, if what he means by “afford” is really “I’m not ready to be a dad”, then I think you should strongly consider postponing TTC until he is ready. But again, you don’t know what he means by it (you said so yourself), I don’t know what he means – so who really knows expect him, right?

Post # 21
Member
2961 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas

My first response is to wait for the house, but I am a bit broody myself at the moment, so I totally feel you on wanting to try for a baby beforehand. I am 30 and my husband doesn’t want to start trying for a couple of years at least. 

If your husband is really uncomfortable with the living situation (the toll it takes on his allergies) then I suggest you really do move before you start TTC. 

I know the cat has nothing to do with your real question, but I think it is unkind to take an indoor cat and all of a sudden make him live outside. Maybe find him a new owner? 

Good luck

Post # 22
Member
9544 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Hm. Is there any reason you can’t do both at the same time? Go off BC and start saving for a downpayment? If you”ve willing to live cheaply (buy used baby stuff and such) then I don’t see anyreason why you can’t.

I’d go ahead and move in some  of his stuff, so he’s more comfortable. I’d also consider rehoming the cat so he isn’t dealing with allergies at home. And put all the money that you can towards a downpayment. Then go off BC and see what happens. It can take quite a while to get pregnant, and then you’re pregnant for 9 months, so you could still be in a new house by the time a baby gets here. And if you work right up until you deliver, you can get to those financial goals all the sooner. 

Talk to him abotu timelines abotu how long all these things will take. I wonder if he’s worried that if you don’t get the new house before the baby then it’ll just never happen? If so, think about how you can help alleviate that fear, since it seems important to him. 

I also wonder if he’s worried about being the sole wage earner for the household? That can be extremely stressful, even if he did agree to you being a stay at home mom. Again, talk to him about it and see you you two can find some sort of compromise (like have X amount in savings and then sart TTC).

Post # 23
Member
6421 posts
Bee Keeper

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MissKittyBoo:  At least find a home for your cat instead of kicking him out.  I have never understood why people feel just kicking their animal out is totally fine.  That poor cat.  Sell one of your two houses and live in the other or sell both and live in the condo.  Not entirely sure if in this case the house is also being called a condo.  Clearly you’re not hurting for money.  Start TTC and paying off the car.

Post # 24
Member
2783 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

If you are going to be a Stay-At-Home Mom, and he is going to shoulder the burden of all the finances, then i think it’s fair to wait until you are in a financial position he’s comfortable with….evidently that means buying a house first.

Post # 25
Member
5188 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

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MissKittyBoo:  It sounds like you have your head in the clouds with baby fever and your Fiance is trying to be practical. It’s easy to say “we would make it work” when you wouldn’t be the one doing the actual working. There’s nothing wrong with being a Stay-At-Home Mom but you have to be able to comfortably provide for your children. Raising kids with the bare minimum, just because you want to be a mom asap, is a little selfish. 

Post # 26
Member
1228 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I think it is way possible to have a baby in a two bedroom townhouse. I also think that at age 31 you are reasonable to want to start trying to conceive sooner rather than four years from now (eyeroll at men who either purposely or just obliviously ignore the idea of declining fertility).

If I were you I would start with combining belongings with my husband. Your husband’s idea of saving all the duplicates in your current house for a new house is silly. When you get a new house, you’re not going to want to fill it with your old mismatched stuff. You’re going to want to buy new stuff that looks good in the new place. That is why IKEA exists.

So, first, total redecoration. I did this when I first moved in with my then-fiancé and, wow, it made such a difference. I began to feel like I actually lived with him instead of like I was just staying with him.

Second, major budget review/overhaul. My husband and I did this right after we got married, and again, it totally changed both of our perspectives from being two independent people with independent goals to a couple with a shared financial future. So sit down with your husband and really look at your finances. Take into account his rental income from his own time. Figure out how much you have in savings and make sure that you have saving set aside for baby, home repairs, emergency, and future down payment. If you are on strong enough financial footing right now to make a good argument for quitting your job and having a baby now, go for it. Otherwise, try to get your husband to compromise with a concrete number goal. So, for example, don’t agree to wait until you have saved up a down payment and purchased a new home. But try to compromise by getting him to agree to start trying to conceive when every savings category has at least $2000 in it, and you are on your way towards saving up a down payment.

That’s what I would do. Good luck!

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by  ohnatto.
Post # 27
Member
122 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

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MissKittyBoo:  Um that’s ridiculous to put the cat outside because of a fiance that “puts up with it”.  You should change your username to MissCrappyBoo.

Do the decent and responsible thing and find a GOOD and LOVING home for your pet.

Post # 28
Member
2837 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

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MissKittyBoo:  There’s never a perfect time to have a baby– you’ll pay off the car, buy a house, and then the house will need a new roof…..

I understand you wanting to try for a baby now- you’re 31.  What if you want more than and it takes awhile to TTC?  Or you need help TTC?

I looked over the first few responses– and they are all for a house.

I am the opposite.  Maybe that’s because I’m 34, pregnant (#2), and we live in a 2 bedroom home.  We are not in a position to move at the moment, so we are working with what we have.

We have 2 car payments– both of our fully paid off cars died within 2 months of eachother- so we had to replace them.

We weren’t TTC when it happened.  We weren’t trying, and we weren’t preventing– with the intention of trying within the year.  I was told I might need help getting pregnant- so it was wuite the surprise when we weren’t even trying and it happened!!

We aren’t putting the baby in our six year old’s room- so baby is sharing a room with us.  

If you guys own 2 homes- you’re already “ahead”- in a way– because you’re selling them both- which will help with a down payment, I assume.  You can work on paying the car off while you’re TTC.  

Either way, you both have to be on board for either path to work and both to be happy.  You have some strong arguments for your desires- and I think if you present them correctly, you might be able to get him on board!  He also has some strong arguments.

I think the biggest thing for me- in a literal sense- would be- technically speaking- you have no idea how easy (or hard) it will be for you to TTC, so if it’s a journey that starts off natural, and then you need assistance…it could take a lot longer than you imagined. 

 

 

Post # 29
Member
9423 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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sara_tiara:  
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Aquaria:  Agree with both you ladies.

I don’t think it matters whether it’s actually possible to raise a baby in your current townhome or not. The fact is that your Fiance is not on board with that, and I’m a firm believer that bringing a baby into a relationship where both parties feel completely ready (emotionally, financially, etc.) gives everyone involved the best chance at living happy, healthy lives. 

I personally would rather wait several more years than have a baby when my Fiance wasn’t 100% happy with the timeline. Especially if he’d be shouldering the bulk of the family’s financial burden.

Post # 30
Member
1249 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I say buy a house first. Collectively, you both own two homes. Sell one or both of the houses. Selling your townhouse would earn you well over $200K, which is more than sufficient for a 20% downpayment, especially when a lot of Northern VA homes are $500K+.

I assume when you buy a house, you’ll do what a lot of people do and move to cities like Sterling, Ashburn, Annandale, Centreville, etc. If that’s the case, then the money from selling your town home could probably pay off at least 2/3 (or all) of the value of your new house.

 

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