- 4 years ago
I’m going anonymous on this one, as so many bees do when they discuss something so personal and upsetting.
I recently married my husband in the past few months. We had a really rough time planning the wedding with a lot of family drama and just generally, I am very type A while he is more laidback. We’ve been together about 3 years and we’ve had a lot of issues between us that we’ve worked on. I have trust issues from past relationships and growing up. He has unsettled anger issues from his childhood. He comes from a great and very healthy family, but I think he may have some anger issues inherently.
He’s overall a great person. He’s very giving and lovable and generous. He’s always been there for me. He’s handsome and intelligent and goes out of his way to make me happy. He’s romantic and just generally a great person… until he gets upset.
When he gets upset, all bets are off. He gets incredibly paranoid – he accuses me of recording him when I would never do that, accuses me of injuring myself on purpose to blame him (I have never and would never do that; I’m just a clumsy person and bruise easily), and has started to call me names. He’s called me bitch, told me to put makeup on because I’m ugly, calls me a monster, tells me I’m the worst person he’s ever met, says I’ve never made him happy, etc. The pressure of wedding planning somehow caused him to snap. In the last few months of our wedding planning process, he withdrew into himself. I also haven’t been as physically intimate because of all the outside stress and also because of the things he’s said to me. I thought things would be better, but it’s like this new part of him opened up. Even on the honeymoon, he got upset with me and called me ugly, stupid, and said he wanted to divorce me. He’s threatened multiple times to divorce me and said he wants to research how to legally do so and that I have no rights. He also threatens to call his family members and tell them how he feels about me. He says this all while angry, but never while rational and not upset. It’s like he morphs into a different person.
After he snaps out of his angry state and is calmer, he’s much nicer to me. He’s usually even apologetic and says and that he wouldn’t hurt me physically and that he’s never going to leave me (he never has). But I’m finding it so hard to trust him now. I find it hard to trust that he won’t hurt me down the line. I can’t believe he’s already threatening divorce and that he does it whenever he’s stressed or upset.
I want to save this marriage. I really do. I love him and when he’s not mad, he’s incredibly sweet and giving and wonderful. But when he’s angry, he’s so irrational and verbally abusive. It’s like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
I keep wondering what I can do better. I know I have many trust issues and I know I can be really critical and have OCD tendencies, so maybe my actions are causing him to feel caged and for all this to come out. He’s a also very sensitive person so he cannot handle criticism well and I’m a type A person. He also has stopped being able to listen to me vent about outside stresses because it causes him to stress too. I also encouraged him to stop hanging out with his friends because all they did was drink (to an unhealthy degree) and he hasn’t had a chance to make new friends, so maybe he’s feeling socially isolated. He’s also an introvert and doesn’t get much alone time anymore, so maybe this is causing him to lash out.
He even said he doesn’t want to live anymore recently, which was extremely scary. None of this seems normal.
Any advice, bees? Is this just a phase? Anything I can do to help? I’m so sad. I married the wonderful, non-angry person. I know I have a lot to work on too (trust issues, more intimacy, giving him more alone time), but I don’t know where to begin. For now, I’m completely walking on eggshells. I want the sweet and loving person I married to stop doing this when he’s mad.