(Closed) New husband gets verbally abusive and paranoid when angry

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
9525 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

This is NOT healthy. This is horrible. I was thinking Jekyll/ Hyde before you mentioned it. I would normally say counseling. But really, this is so extreme… Are you sure you want to save it? 

People like that do not change. You are trying to find excuses and there are none for this awful abusive behavior.

Post # 3
Member
1418 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

im sorry youre going through this! it sounds horrible! Sounds like your Darling Husband has major issues and if you want to stay and fix this he will be needing some intense therapy to work past his childhood issues. it sounds like maybe he may also be depressed among other mental health issues.. I would recommend seeing a therapist ASAP. you need to decide if it is worth saving or just leaving. you dont deserve to be treated that way. 

Post # 4
Member
302 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

If this is a recent development it sounds like a significant mental health issue, which can pop up later in life for some people (20s and 30s are common times for certain diagnoses). He needs to be seen by a professional, whether a therapist or his primary care doctor to start. Unfortunately you can’t make him do this…I would suggest seeing a therapist or someone on your own to work through what you’re willing to go through to save a marriage that he may not be in a state of mind to participate in. And above all take care or yourself and stay safe. Regardless of whether he’s ill or not, you do not deserve this. It’s abuse, whether it has an origin in health or mental health or not.

Edit: I just wanted to add that it is quite possible he’s abusive and NOT ill. It really comes down to whether or not when he’s lucid he can identify that he needs help and take steps towards getting help. Still…I’m really reluctant to give you advice that tells you to stick it out and try to make it work. This treatment is scary and horrible and you need to to take care of yourself.

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by Profile Photo Fitzy.
Post # 5
Member
4851 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Unless he was the one who recognizes his anger is pathological, I would be leaving. Someone who has insight into the issue would be worth investing the time, patience and understanding in. Someone who doesn’t look at their own actions and realize they need to address them without being forced into anger management and therapy isn’t a good bet IMO. 

Post # 7
Member
1418 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

View original reply
anonbee79:  I would recommend him seeing a therapist alone. I think that would be of more benefit. he cant work on the marriage issues without working through his own issues first. & a therapist wouldnt allow you both to be yelling at eachother. thats why they are great for helping work through issues. they can mediate. 

Post # 8
Member
2166 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

He sounds incredibly unstable and his behavior is inexcusable. He shouldn’t treat you in this manner. If you want to save this marriage you need to seek professional help for both of you. However, you cannot force him to get help or otherwise it won’t make a differenlce. If he has any moments where he is rational and you can discuss how his behavior makes you feel and that you want to improve your relationship do it. If you’re worried for your own safety to have that discussion then maybe you need to seek someone in his family for help. this seems like a very sticky situation.

Post # 9
Member
4257 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2009

He needs help, and you need support.  Also stay safe, because it sounds like this behaviour is escalating.

Post # 11
Member
177 posts
Blushing bee

You need to get out of that situation. It sounds like he is capable of harming you.

Post # 13
Member
459 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

Is he aware of his actions when he gets angry?  Would you be able to talk to him when he is calm? In any case this does not sound like a good situation and agree with pps that it sounds like the behaviour is escalating.  He needs professional help.  Stay safe.  

Post # 14
Member
361 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

First off… THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Nothing you are doing should merit his abuse towards you.

If you want to save your marriage you both need to agree to marriage counselling, and he may need anger management and therepy by himself. If he cant make this commitment to your marriage, I don’t know what there is to salvage. This is not healthy, and you don’t deserve this, no one does.. no matter what.. and I would not be surprised if this eventually escalated to physical abuse, no matter how much he says he wouldnt do that

Post # 15
Member
6879 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

This sounds really bad Bee. Like really bad. Like I wouldn’t be surprised if you came back in a few months and it had escalated to physical violence. 

Sounds like he has some form of mental disorder. Bipolar? I’m not sure. Only a trained professional would be able to diagnose him properly. He needs to be in therapy like YESTERDAY. And I don’t means couples therapy. I mean therapy for himself alone. But the problem is it seems he refuses to go. You can’t help someone that doesn’t want to be helped. 

I’d take a hard look back over your OP and see if you’re going to be okay living this way forever. Because he isn’t just going to magically change. 

ETA: I know you say he says he’d never physically hurt you, but I imagine if you asked him before this all started if he’d ever threaten divorce every 10 seconds he would’ve said no to that too. You can’t take him at his word on this. 

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  llevinso.

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