(Closed) New Jersey beat me up.

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
6394 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

I’m a midwest girl with zero ties to Jersey, but I can’t stand it when people yell either :(. Your FI’s being a bit of an ass, imho. You obviously weren’t okay, and he really should have mustered up some sensitivity :(.

Post # 4
Member
521 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I completely understand. I don’t think it necessary the state, but my Future In-Laws are hispanic…which is quite different from my quiet southern white family. We do not yell at one another and yelling is how they talk to one another. I still have trouble being around my ILs especially right now when my fi is deployed. I cannot offer any help because I still do not know how to handle the difference in expectation and cultures, especially when they believe I should be more like them instead of accepting me for who I am even if that is the person that their son loves.

I actually had a panic attack (the whole hyperventiling, shaking, crying, feeling like I’m going to go crazy..full on panic attack. I haven’t had panic attacks since high school which was five years ago. I was really high strung in hs and really stressed..but been able to handle things better now) this weekend at my ILs because people would not leave me alone about my fi’s deployment and I was NOT ready to handle them. He left Wednesday and I do not “get over things quickly.” It escalated because they did not know how to handle it correctly and well, them yelling at me to quite being a baby wasn’t the right decision.

But, I thought I would let you know I completely understand. Maybe other bees could offer some good advice for the both of us πŸ˜€

 

Edit to fix some typos and to add:

Maybe talking to someone in the family that is a little less rough around the edges…they may be able to offere advice about talking to your Future Father-In-Law. Maybe you could talk to your Future Mother-In-Law and she could talk to your Future Father-In-Law about keeping the yelling to a mild roar when speaking with you….

Post # 5
Member
2859 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011 - Bartram's Garden

I think I need more clarification here, because I’m confused.

Are you in mourning because of something that happened that you don’t want to discuss here? If that’s the case, I’m sorry for whatever you’re going through. Is that why you were crying? Or were the people in the diner making you cry? I just don’t understand exactly what happened.

I do have to say that, while I was born in PA and live in Philly now,  I lived in Jersey from age 10-23, and I never met a single person who was like the Sopranos or Jersey Shore. Most Jersey-ites are just like everyone else. I think that maybe you’re projecting your in-laws personalities (and their friends’ as well) onto the whole state.

 

Post # 7
Member
2859 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011 - Bartram's Garden

Okay, that makes sense. I just wanted to make sure that I understood. Again, I’m sorry for your loss and that they were rough on you.

Post # 8
Member
1667 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

well I doubt that all people from NJ are like that, that’s a pretty big stereotype to project, but I will agree with you that there are major culture differences between north and south, or east to west, or between any region for that matter. It certainly takes some adjustment when you go from one to another.

The bigger issue here is why your Father-In-Law was being such an insensitive ass. He should not have lashed out at you at the restaurant when he knew you were already on edge. When people are in mourning, emotions are heightened and extremelly sensitive.

If I am understanding this correctly, it doesn’t sound like your guy stood up for you very well in this situation. Why would you go there though if you needed to be in a calm environment when you know that his family is like this? Maybe I am missing something. Sorry but the story is a little confusing.

Post # 9
Member
1398 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Eh, my Fiance does the same thing sorta, so I can see what you’re saying (and he’s from NJ). If we fight and I cry, he just gets mad because I’m “not acting like a grownup.” He doesn’t show his feelings too much, so he’s better at talking things out and reasoning. I am emotional, like to cry my feelings out and thats just how I get through things. I feel the opposite about California, everyone’s so happy and annoying, us New englanders are cold and angry just the way I like it πŸ˜›

Post # 12
Member
1883 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

My family is Italian from Philly and I’ve lived and went to High School in Jersey. I’m not saying everyone is like all mafioso, but I do think people are rough around the edges.

It probably is a bit of a culture shock. I  do not know anyone like the jersey shore people, but I do know my family is really loud and they do weird things like force new boyfriends to eat really hot peppers when they come over for dinner. They also scream a lot, and everybody talks with their hands and things are always flying around. It’s a wonder I am so normal. I lived in the south for a few years and I was always like WTF why is everyone waving and being so friendly at 8AM. haha.

Post # 13
Member
1667 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

ok I understand. Well all I can say is that you need to be surrounded by support and kindness right now, sounds like your In-laws house is not the place to be. It sucks to be going through this, (I’m a sensitive person who had three roomates from Jersey in college) and I get how harsh their culture can seem sometimes. They don’t see the big deal cause it’s what they grew up with and they don’t take offense to it and there I am about ready to cry when they yelled at me. But hey, at least they helped me get a thicker skin, and I could always count on them for their honesty πŸ™‚

*HUGS

Post # 15
Member
2859 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011 - Bartram's Garden

@flamingred: “they do weird things like force new boyfriends to eat really hot peppers when they come over for dinner” – That made me laugh SO HARD.

 

Post # 16
Member
1667 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@flamingred: haha my roomates asked me the same thing! They were all from up north and they were like, “Why in the hell do people in GA always wave and smile at you when they don’t even know who you are? It’s weird!” I could see why they would think it was weird. If I waved and smiled at a stranger on the street in NYC, they would probably think I was a wacko πŸ™‚

 

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