Post # 1
I’m a newbie wedding bee user but a long time lurker.
I’m not sure where to begin.
I’ve been with my SO for almost 3rys and while we did look at rings in Feburary I’m starting to lose hope.
He just recently told me that my constant wedding talk gets on his nerves. To be honest I didn’t realize I talked about it that much. I tend to keep the convo light and short. But this has hurt my feelings. I have no real friends to talk about this too except him. My one friend is trying to save her marriage and may end up getting divorced and my other friend stopped talking to me cause of some drama between her and her boyfriend. So no one really want’s to listen to my relationship triumphs and woes. There is one girl at work but I don’t know her well enough to confide in her. I won’t talk to my family about it because it will just be all negatives.
As it stands SO is currently in therapy to work on some of his issues. He thought he had a whole host of mental problems (narccism bipolar, ect) which I knew he didn’t but he swore up and down he did. His psychartrist confirmed he wasn’t any of those things. He has stayed in therapy to work on his depression, anxiety, temper tantrums. He tells me what they talk about which I’ve told him he doesn’t have to do. He recently shared with me that his psychartrist has told him not to do anything. Basically no popping the question.
Now I’m a very logical person. I understand why this is important at the same time I can’t help go WTF to myself.
I am slightly upset and resent him a little bit for this. A part of me doesn’t understand what was so traumatic in his life that he needs to take his time and figure things out. He’s in his mid 30’s. I try but it’s hella difficult. I had a much harder difficult life growing up than he did. So it’s difficult for me to empathize when he complains about his childhood or anything else for that matter and how it’s certain things are still effecting him. I’m still caring and supportive towards him but as much as I try to understand I really can’t.
He complains and gets sad when he sees people he knows with a kid on the way or on their 2nd child and he hasn’t even gotten married. Even though I’m in the corner waiting.
I’m just worried if I’m wasting my time. I’m 31yrs old and that clock is ticking and is only exasberated by the fact both my mom and sister had difficult pregancies (my sister lost one of her twin boys in the womb)which makes me worried for my own health. Which I’ve told him about.
I’ve tried to get a timeline out of him he said 2012 of this year.But I’m a firm believer of the saying actions speak louder than words. If I push him for more intel he just clams up.
I think right now I’m just feeling a bit lonely about all of this. So thanks for reading.
Post # 3
First of all, welcome and congrats on your first post, even if it was a difficult one. This is the place to vent all your feelings, and if you feel like you have no one to talk about engagement or wedding stuff, this is the place!
As for your boyfriend — just from what you’ve mentioned here it seems like he has a lot of issues and emotional baggage that he has brought to your relationship. I think after three years together and with him being in his mid-30’s, it’s a little ridiculous for him to expect you to wait around while he sorts his issues out. Everyone has issues from their past that they may need counseling to get through, but that gives him no reason to make excuses and postpone major decisions like marriage. It seems like he has taken you and your support for granted. When does he think he will have his issues under control enough for him to be able to move forward with your relationship? Why is this all about him? I think he’s being a little immature and selfish here, and you need to get to the root of the problem before he wastes any more of your precious time.
Post # 4
I am sorry to hear you are going through this and your wedding plans have been a bit derailed! It sounds like your boyfriend has a lot to work through at the moment – would it be possible for the two of you to work together with a counsellor to communicate about your rleationship?
I think at the moment he is focussing on himself, but you are important to. But I would encourage you not to give up – just try to wokr on it together.
Post # 5
First, you are very brave for sharing these things. I just want to tell you I understand to some degree what you are going through. My Fiance also sees someone for his anxiety. At first it sort of bothered me because I felt like why can’t you talk to me about these things and I know the subject of our relationship comes up from time to time. I was frustrated because I felt like does this counselor know that there is an actual person on the other end of this relationship? That being said I’ve seen some great things come out of this though. There were some things I was telling Fiance that he just wasn’t understanding apparently he shared some of his feelings with his counselor and the counselor was very reassuring with him and explained to him the same things I had been telling him.
I know its easy to be resentful but I think the most important thing is to reassure him that you will be there for him and support him. That’s been huge for us.
Post # 6
@shirasagi I’m not sure to be honest. He told me he was going to stop seeing the psych after he got his mental diagnosis. He’s still seeing him, which is fine by me. He keeps saying how he doesn’t want to go anymore and I’ve told him already that if he wants to continue seeing him then that’s fine. He doesn’t need my permission to try and sort out his noggin.
As for a timeline he said sometime in 2012 but I wonder if he means ir or is just telling me what I want to hear. Although I have said that I wouldn’t stay in a relationship pass 3 yrs and that 3yr mark is approaching.
He can be a bit immature about things. He has a habit of throwing temper tantrums when he doesn’t get his way. I’ve just ignored them but stated if we get married and have kids I won’t tolerate that. Which he acknowledged and said he would work on it.
I’ve been trying to understand where all his issues are stemming from. From what I can tell he had a decent normal upbringing. Which is the complete opposite from me. I think since I’ve had more to deal with I can roll with the punches better than he can. He tends to get upset and freak out.
@CupcakeLove We both realized we do need to communicate better. We def have different communication styles. My method is to go away and think about things and he is more confrientational.
He now is strong believer in pre-marriage counsler which I already suggested to him way back when. Now he thinks it’s important since we’ve been having issues.
I should mention I had my own ultimatium for myself that I was going to start implementing. I was planning on moving forward with myself if nothing happened by our 3yr anniversary, but I tossed the plan out the window once we started looking at rings. I may have to go back to it. Which may be a good thing for myself.
We don’t live together (I live at home) and I drive to his place every weekend. The constant packing and unpacking is getting a bit old. I know I have my own issues but I try really hard not to let them effect my desires and plans for the future. I’m just frustrated and tired.
Post # 7
@handcraftedG33k: i am very similar to your Fiance in my fighting skills – i am more confrontational, my Fiance prefers not to talk about things until he has gone away and thought about them, and i am also currently seeing a psychiatrist for depression. some people go through a fairly normal childhood (i did) and still get depression, while some are fine who have gone through more serious trauma.
did he see a psychiatrist before? because the longer you leave it the worse it gets, so right now he is probably suffering a lot, and it is definitely not a good idea to make any major life decisions until his mind is more balanced and he feels happier. definitely stick around – “in sickness and in health” “for better or worse”, but i do understand how hard waiting is. and i can understand even more with your biological clock ticking it must be even harder!
stick around until the end of the year, he will certainly appreciate your care and support in this difficult time 🙂
Post # 8
He was seeing another psychatrist when were first started dating. It didn’t bother me that he was seeing someone then and it doesn’t now. I’m just bothered that almost 3yrs later it feels like we’re backtracking.
I’m anything but fine lol.
To be honest I need to be in therapy as well but I just can’t afford it. I was on meds for a while but decided to go off of them. Some days are trying but I deal.
I hope that he does appreciate me sticking around. Cause sometimes his moments that he has gets to be a bit tiring. Especially if I’m having my own drama. A lot of times it feels whatever he is going through is more dire than anything else in the world. The other week I was spazzing out at work convinced I was going to get fired or something bad was going to happen and I lose my job. He told me that’s how he felt about him waiting to get his refund back for his motherboard to his computer. Then proceded to go on and talk about his computer. Not going to lie in that moment I wanted to ram my fist through the computer screen and hoped that it would connect with his face on the other side. lol
Post # 9
@handcraftedG33k: seriously? he compared your job stuff with a stupid computer? i would be pissed off too!
Post # 10
That’s probably one of my biggest concerns with him. Everything that happens that doesn’t go according to his plan or if something goes wrong, it becomes this major issue. Which is fine if it’s a major issue. But a lot of things that he complains about aren’t really that serious and will work themselves out.
If he’s having a real issue it makes it harder for me to really care about what he may be going through. Mostly because I’m just too tired at that point.
I’ve been down this road with people like this. I end up cutting them off cause after awhile it gets to be too much. I don’t want to do this with him. I do care and love him very deeply. I know he did address a spat we had with his psych and it made him realize he was being immature. So I’m hoping that this will continue and he’ll start to understand not everything is a problem