- 4 years ago
My husband “Mike” and I have been married for nine months and my concerns about the handling of our finances have grown to become worse every month. We did not live together, and had separate finances for most of our relationship. We started to combine finances and set up joint accounts about a year ago as our wedding approached.
I have always been very good at handling money. I have a good job (although starting salary) and have worked hard to save money and pay off every single one of my bills in full and on time. Mike has worked hard, too but has not been as diligent about keeping his accounts perfect like I have.
Throughout the course of our marriage, Mike’s handling of our accounts has left me feeling more and more anxious, upset, and hurt. It started out as occasional times when he simply forgot to pay bills that were his responsibility. He would apologize for forgetting, and then pay the bill. Then, he started lying to me, saying that certain bills were paid, when I would find out days later that they actually were never paid.
Now, the situation has escalated dramatically. Over the last five or six months, Mike has COMPLETELY mishandled our money. He changed my passwords on all of our accounts, including phone bill, mortgage, and bank account, among others and now I can’t access them. Whenever I would ask him to show me the bills and bank account so I can see what’s going on, he would become upset and yell at me, saying that I don’t trust him, and he would refuse to show me our joint bank account statements.
I have now come to find out that Mike has been lying to me about our accounts. I decided to drive to the bank myself, and found out that our bank account is in the negative by over $700! This was a complete surprise to me because he told me that we have a large amount of money in the bank, and even showed me a bank statement that confirmed what he said. The statement that I received at the bank shows that this was never true, and that our account has been negative for over a month. The statement that Mike showed me was not real.
The other red flag that I noticed is that while my paychecks are being deposited into our account, he has not had a single paycheck of his deposited over the last few months. Mike told me that he has been depositing his checks, but I now see that this is untrue. In addition to this problem, I also just found out that we have missed the last three mortgage payments and now owe a TON of money. Mike has been telling me all along that he has been making the payments, but the mortgage company told me today that our payments have not gone through because there is no money in the account. When I asked why no one from the mortgage company has contacted me, they said they have spoken to my husband several times and that he has been saying he would take care of it.
I feel completely betrayed because of his lies and mismanagement, and I do not know if I can trust him again. Every time I have questioned him about our finances or bills, he has just said that he wants to be the husband who takes care of money and he does not want me to be stressed out or worried about paying bills. I still do not have access to any of our accounts because he still has not un-changed my passwords, and I feel completely helpless and discouraged. It feels like we have such a long way to go to get our finances straightened out again, and I do not know if I can trust him anymore. This is going to ruin our marriage, and we have not make it to the one-year mark yet! I believe that we need a lot of counseling, but there is no way we can afford it! Can you please offer some advice about how to get our finances back in order, and how to restore the trust? I cannot let my marriage fail this early in!