(Closed) New Marriage and Money Trust Issues

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 167
Member
218 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
halloween12345:  what have you done since speaking with us to protect yourself????

Post # 168
Member
5 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2015

View original reply
halloween12345:  I don’t have any words of wisdom for you bee, but please know you’re in my prayers. I cannot imagine how devastated I would be. Please just protect yourself! 

Post # 170
Member
200 posts
Helper bee

Please see an attorney. If you can’t afford one, google free legal clinics in your area. Please.

I left my ex in part because of these same issues. It’s been three years, and my financial life is still a wreck. No matter how hard I try, it’s a slow road back to a good credit score.

Your husband did not commit some minor infraction. He effectively ruined your life for the next 7-10 years in terms of ability to get credit cards, loans, mortgages, etc. Worst, he’s “forcing” you to be with him by eliminating your options. I have amazing friends who have helped me qualify for an apartment, jobs, etc, despite my poor credit history. But I can tell you firsthand, banks DO NOT CARE why your credit score is bad, or who was responsible for the payments.

Love, get out. And if you won’t get out, seek legal help to find out what your options are. He was willing to put his mom over you and your future kids. He was willing to ruin you and miss the deadline for mortgage help in an effort to hide this from you. He didn’t lie because he’s bad with money or he was embarrassed. He lied because he didn’t think your trust and your life mattered enough to tell you the truth. If you hadn’t caught him red-handed and confronted him with hard evidence, the lies would continue. Even when you did, he still lied (about the windows). You have to know deep down, this won’t stop or change.

Protect yourself. Protect your future kids. You deserve better.

Post # 171
Member
218 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
halloween12345:  great job glad to see you are protecting yourself I know this is hard 

Post # 172
Member
6878 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

I don’t “believe” in divorce either but come on! The amount of manipulation and lying that he’s done is just unreal! When is enough enough? This is just unacceptable. 

Post # 173
Member
1542 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Go see an attonery ASAP!

 

Post # 174
Member
547 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

There comes a point when the lies and deceit are so profoundly bad that it becomes unforgivable. For me, there wouldn’t even be a question in your situation: I would be at an attorney’s office the next day to file for divorce because there is no way in hell I would ever be able to trust him ever again. If you can’t trust him again (let’s be honest, I don’t think there are many people in your situation that ever could), then there’s no point in dragging it out any longer. PPs have given you excellent advice on how to best protect yourself – follow it, and get the hell out of there. 

Post # 175
Member
1837 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
Sukii:  Is it possile his mother isn’t even aware of the issues? 

That seems unlikely to me given that the mortgage paperwork was at her house. 

 

Post # 176
Member
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Man, this is so messed up. It is A Big Deal and he made it worse by hiding it from you. I don’t know if I could ever feel financially comfortable in that relationship, personally…

Post # 177
Member
2242 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
halloween12345:  You said mortgage paperwork (re non payment for 3 months) was at his moms house and he wanted her advice on it. That is not possible his mom didn’t know.  How would she not know, seeing that her son is 3-4 months behing mortgage payments??? Sure son, keep sending me money monthly even though you are a DAY away from loosing your home. 

Post # 178
Member
928 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

If it were me, I’d divorce him and let him stay married to his mom since he’s treating her like his wife instead of you. 

Post # 179
Member
4238 posts
Honey bee

View original reply
halloween12345:  

Breathe. You are not alone.

Good for you for getting so much accomplished in so short a time. Keep your chin up and continue to plow through the paperwork. You can do this. It is devastating to confront these kinds of issues and having to scramble in this manner, both literally and figuratively. But one thing at a time. You are stronger than this pile of paperwork and pain. 

Breathe. One step at a time, Bee.

 

If this were me, (operative phrase, I know) but if this were me, I would NOT be talking to a lawyer about divorce but about legal protections, separating finances (up to and including legal separation for a time of recovery and reconciliation), and other information about next steps given this new rocky road stretching in front of you.

If this were me, I would then start pastoral counseling and/or marriage counseling, preferably with my husband very soon, while I begin some sessions alone. 

ITWM, I would continue to deal with the bankers and venders and rebuild as much of these past months’ transactions to get an idea about what’s been happening and what will have to happen now. I wouldn’t worry about the new credit score. Yes, it’s worrisome. More than worrisome. But many people live within their means and do not finance anything so their FICO is a moot point no matter its #. I sincerely hope that you will be like one of those people. You will be gifted resources by loved ones at church or through family or friends that will afford you the ability to handle things on a cash basis for awhile, maybe a long while. It can be done.

ITWM, I would stand firm before your husband with the full knowledge that you are acting wisely and correctly to take these steps to manage your household and household matters. It is your God-given position of authority within the home. (Proverbs 31, Genesis 2, Ephesians 5, Titus 2) You are his helpmeet. You are his accountability partner. You are also his cheerleader, true, but we must never forget our part in the infrastructure of our marriages, our part in the underpinnings of the home. So often husbands like to overlook how our help meets their needs (needs they may not care to even acknowledge.) 

 

I also fully understand the outrage that so many Bees have expressed to you. I don’t agree with the doomsday divorce discussions, especially considering how so many countless women would never consider casting out their chaotic children (they’d get them help) nor would they rehome problematic pets (they’d get them help) or rid themselves of other difficult loved ones. They view them as forever family members. Many women don’t give that gift of unconditional love to their husbands. That is their choice. I happen to view my husband as my ’til death do us part’ partner. I don’t agree that divorce is the first, best, swiftest response to devastating developments such as you’ve been dealt. I don’t believe that because I believe in redemption. I see it everyday. I’ve lived through both the benefits and the burdens of it. And, in my experience, I have seen countless confirmations of the grace and lovingkindness of Jesus Christ our Lord. To the world, I may look like a nutjob. I still stand firm in my belief. I’ve seen how powerful love can be; how we may only offer brokenness and strife but Christ can still make something, anything, beautiful. Yes, your husband has sinned against God, betrayed you, and brought much damage to your door. Yes, he has much to explain, much to correct, much to redeem. No, he’s not been a “good husband” that you deserve. No, he’s fallen. But you saw good in him, watched him grow, cried when he’s stumbled, cheered when he’s soared. You’ve grown stronger, too, and you can see this through wherever it leads. I hope it leads through heartache unto redemption. I hope and pray that it does. I know it can but I hope that you will feel that, too.

Chin up, Bee. You are not alone.

 

Post # 180
Member
313 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

View original reply
halloween12345:  be very careful about throwing good money after bad with the mortgage.  If you aren’t going to be able to save the house in the long term (not just THINK you’ll be able to save the house, actually 100% be certain you can save the house with your reliable income vs. counting on what he might make) it might be better just to let the bank take the house and be done with it.  

The topic ‘New Marriage and Money Trust Issues’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors