(Closed) New Marriage and Money Trust Issues

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 46
Member
982 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Oh Bee, my heart is breaking for you. If he can produce a fake bank statement, he can produce a fake text. The best case scenario is that he lost his job and didn’t want to tell you, which is what I’m really hoping for. Update and let us know you’re fine 

Post # 47
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

halloween12345:  in case you don’t have enough people warning you.. Just wanted to chime in if you’re apart when he’s “at work” but he wasn’t actually at work it is very possible he was feeding whatever addidiction during “work” hours…. Don’t be tricked just because you never saw it! 

Post # 48
Member
306 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2004

halloween12345:  You’d be surprised how well an addict can hide the signs when they really want to.  I completely understand why you want to hope for a best case scenario here but even the best case is really bad.  At a minimum he has major issues with money and honesty, but I, as with most of the PPs, imagine it’s worse than that.  

Please be careful and please know you deserve nothing but complete honesty, do not let him talk around things.  

Post # 49
Member
987 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

I wouldn’t meet with him alone; I think you need strong support right there in the room. And a lawyer first thing in the morning.

Post # 50
Member
2776 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Omg. Please Bee head others’ advice and have a friend check on you tonight! Liars, addicts and scammers do NOT like to be revealed as such and if someone goes through the trouble of creating a false bank statement, well, let’s just say the “normal” rules no longer apply here. 

Post # 52
Member
374 posts
Helper bee

I agree with Runcolorado37 – there is a very good chance he is doing whatever he’s been doing while you’re at work (and he’s supposed to be).

My mother had a major gambling addiction that our family didn’t find out about until after she died. She had always been in charge of the finances, so when my dad had to get everything sorted, he found out that they were upwards of $200,000 in debt. Turns out she would go to the casino everyday while he was at work (she had cancer and couldn’t work). None of us had a clue! And since she obviously lost more than she won, there were no unusual purchases or spending that would indicate something was going on.

I’m not saying this is what’s going on in your situation, but it very well could be. Either way, protect yourself now rather than dealing with a much bigger issue later on!

Post # 53
Member
4238 posts
Honey bee

halloween12345:  Glad to see you chime back in. Please still get a friend/family member on stand by to check in on you a couple times each day if you don’t check in with them first. Just in case. Buddy system, okay?

And as a PP mentioned, normal rules are out the window about your husband being your buddy because he’s the one needing the most intervention/assistance right now.

As to all the commitments and paperwork and mortgage and accounts, one thing at a time. Like I mentioned earlier, I’m the last Bee to say something is doomed. You two CAN fix this breach. You CAN refill this deficit. You CAN rebuild trust. Where there’s a will, there’s a way. You just need to have some serious fire power on your side and a doozey of a crutch or two, to help you stand.

Many, many hugs to you, Bee.

 

Post # 54
Member
2776 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

halloween12345:  whew that doesn’t sound too bad and it seems like there’s hope to be had.’

But hon, don’t ever let him change your passwords or lock you out of YOUR finances. Ask him to open up your accounts where he changed YOUR passwords and change them WO revealing them. I’d say also keep your original account open and be very careful where YOUR money goes. He’s revealed who he can be when put in a tight spot so be very careful going forward. 

Ask God to keep your camels safe but tie them to the post yourself, know what I’m saying?

Post # 55
Member
313 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

halloween12345:  his solution is to drop health insurance?  He paid off windows when you needed cash for bills?  It still seems so fishy.  If by “appointments” you mean he’s in commission only sales, it sounds more and more like my ex with a pill problem and a motivation to work problem.  Keeping you in the dark about finances is so strange.  Even if he did pay off the windows, it’s possible he used it as a smoke screen for taking an additional amount of money out of the account.  I’d want a statement from the bank directly.  He could have a friend wrote a receipt for payment on the windows.  My ex used to do the same thing.  He’d mask spending on drugs and music equiptment with other large legitimate purchases.  I would want access to the accounts

Post # 56
Member
840 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

It sounds like he went into a deep web of lies and shame that compounded. I don’t think all is lost. I DO think that YOU need to be 100% in control of all bills, obviously need full access to all accounts, and you need to keep your own financial safety net. In fact I would separate financially completely. He cannot be trusted and I think it’ll take a long time for him to make this up to you and even longer for you to trust him.

Post # 57
Member
1310 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Sorry but that all sounds totally bogus.  He wiped out the money you have to pay off windows?!?  I mean, if it’s not bogus it’s still problematic because he should not be making financial decisions like that without you.  Also what is his explanation for changing all of the passwords on your accounts??

Post # 58
Member
313 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Kaymar:  my thoughts exactly…risk losing the house to pay off windows?

Post # 59
Member
306 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2004

halloween12345:  I’m sorry, I think you are still only getting a fraction of the story.  I’d demand to see everything- every transaction from your bank account, every one of his small paychecks from his former employer, you need to know where your money went.

I understand and respect your religious beliefs, but I have to wonder if your husband shares them?  I don’t know of any religion that preaches dishonesty, and whatever his reasons, he has told you lie after lie for months, don’t lose sight of that while focusing on getting your finances back on track.  

Post # 60
Member
14965 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Kaymar:  I’m with you.  

I guess I could buy this story if I believe he’s the most financially irresponsible person ever who just doesn’t think.  Why the hell would he choose to pay off windows and wipe out an account if he doesnt have a job?!?!?!  Why in the world would he think that was a good idea!!  And to do all this without telling you??  There’s no excuse for hiding all this crap.  He would not be handling anything anymore if this were me.

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