(Closed) New Marriage and Money Trust Issues

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 61
4249 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

This is horrible.  So so so horrible.  Yes to the new account.  Yes to depositing your paycheck there.  And absolutely a resounding YES to divorce.  This isn’t a man you want to stay married to…

Post # 62
6846 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Belichick:  I agree. His stories still don’t add up. In addition to requiring copies of everything, including the papers at his mother’s house (!!!!!!!!!!) you need to take over the finances and take whatever precautions are necessary to make certain you are not locked out again. He has violated your trust, placed you in a precarious financial situation, and done significant damage to your credit rating.

He has lied to you every day for months on end. Tread carefully. 

Post # 63
5219 posts
Bee Keeper

1. I call BS

2. Pull your OWN credit report to make sure he hasn’t taken out in additional debts in your name

3. Tomorrow call a lawyer and set up a consult, if for no other reason than to know how to properly document SHOULD you need to file for divorce and bankruptcy 

4. BE SMART. This man lied, to your face, over the course of God knows how long. He willingly let you bust your ass to pay for bills and stood by waiting to be caught in the lie. It was intentional, and he will not change his ways.

5. Start looking for other housing options if the mortgage becomes unmanagable on one income (yours). Create an exit plan like, yesterday.

Post # 65
313 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Does anyone know if the 3 options that he claims the bank gave him to get the mortgage out of arrears actually exist?  I’ve never heard of a bank giving options like that, but things could have changed since 2009 when I bought a short sale. I don’t think the bank was that lenient with the woman who sold me the house.  She had to find a buyer ASAP to short sell otherwise she would have lost it outright.  Those were her only options. 

Post # 66
1432 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

I’m sorry OP but he would have to work SUPER hard to earn back any trust from me. That includes giving me every statement, receipt, pay stub, or payment paperwork that he has, to start with. 

step two would be giving me all of our passwords and allowing me as much time as I needed to comb through all of the transactions. 

Step three would be seeing a financial advisor together to get back on track. I would also ask for his full credit report.

step four would be marital counseling to figure out how to establish trust again. All the lies…no, I would be very clear that would not fly with me again.

i don’t know if I would be able to continue the marriage if he didn’t agree to all of those terms. 

If you want to make it work, be open to rebuilding trust but do not let this man fool you twice. 

Post # 67
219 posts
Helper bee


halloween12345:  please please please don’t be gullible also I can understand your faith and not wanting divorce but this doesn’t mean you can’t protect yourself and be submissive to your husband. As a man of the household hos job is to be the leader and protector and he is not doing that. You need to take a day maybe stay with a family and come up with a game plan and get you finances in order.

Post # 68
220 posts
Helper bee

I’m sorry that he did this but it’s time to take charge and figure out the truth from lies. Get every single piece of paper/documentation. I’ll reiterate the previous advice of, get control of your money right now. Still have a seperate account that your paycheck goes into. Check every single account, 401k, investments, credit card, loan, bill with your name on it. Just call and reset it yourself over the phone. If your name is on it, you should have access. Check your credit report to make sure cards and loans weren’t open in your name. 

I still don’t believe his story or reasoning of changing the pw on the accounts. As a couple you two should be able to discuss and work through finances, bills, job loss and issues together. If you two have a shot of overcoming this, I strongly suggest counseling. 

Post # 69
2166 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

If your name is on the bank account, then you can march right into your bank and request to see statements and get access to the account. He can try to keep you from it but as long as your name is on it, you can get in there. I would instantly get an account that was my own and start depositing my paychecks into it. If he is going to do this to you now, early on, you two need to seek counseling and get to the bottom of his money issues and if you cannot work through them, then walk away. Money is one of the top reasons couples have marital problems and gone on for too long can cause to bigger issues and divorce. It’s still early so you two can try to work through this before it comes to that. 

Post # 70
381 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Even if he wasn’t making much why was the littale he was making not being deposited?

Post # 71
2257 posts
Buzzing bee

halloween12345:  “Divorce for me is a 100% last option where I would consider it if my safety or my future children’s safety is at risk, but all other options need to be explored first.”

Oh, hon… He’s a habitual liar. He’s trying to throw you off the trail now. Half the stuff he “explained” to you still does not excuse why he kept things from you. You’re in a MARRIAGE. He should absolutely not be lying to you about any of this.

The fact that you think that divorce isn’t a viable option is just worrisome. Just because he’s not “dangerous”, you’re willing to put up with lying and deceit? And “future children”? How about YOU? We’re not talking about imaginary children right now, we’re all concerned for you as a real life person.

I think if you do want to save this marriage, it needs counseling. I would honestly spend the night away from home to drive home how serious this is, because most likely he’s going to try to throw you off the trail tomorrow. He’ll have had time to plan.

Post # 72
2257 posts
Buzzing bee

halloween12345:  “His explanation for changing the passwords is because he wanted to be in charge.”

That shows he wants to be in CONTROL. Charge and control are totally different things. If I say my husband is in charge of the remote, when I ask him to change the channel, he does it. He doesn’t put the remote on a shelf I can’t reach, and then refuse to change the channel.

Classic beginning signs of an abusive relationship. Please read up on this: http://www.livestrong.com/article/18801-ten-signs-abusive-relationship/

And I quote: 

Controlling Money
Taking your paycheck and not allowing money for necessities is a common way of keeping the victim close to the abuser. If you do not have enough money for food and clothing, you will not have enough money to leave. There are ways to get away without money, and many times once you leave and take your cash with you, the abuser also leaves and moves onto the next victim.

Post # 73
1837 posts
Buzzing bee

Oh gosh, Bee. This is terrible. Unfortunately I don’t buy his explanations. Paying off the windows? You need proof of that immediately … don’t settle for paperwork from him (he’s already fooled you once with paperwork), get independent proof; call the company that put the windows in tomorrow (or the company/bank that financed them) to check on the status of that account. If he’s lying about that, you need to know NOW. Have your check deposited into that single account of yours from now on. Do the paperwork for that first thing tomorrow. 

This sounds very much like a gambling problem to me (and I’ve had a close family member and a good friend with a gambling addiction). Either gambling, or perhaps he’s one of those scam artists who marries women and drains their bank accounts — but if you were together for six years before marriage the latter doesn’t seem likely. 

I really, really hope what he’s telling you is the truth–and that all of this is about him not having adequate work and not wanting to tell you. But I really don’t think it is. 

Please check back in soon with any updates. We are all going to be worried about you. 

Post # 74
67 posts
Worker bee

Bee, the fact that there are a multitude of other individuals telling you to run for the hills should be a big red flag. These events are not minor, but major catastrophes.

You need to take immediate steps to protect yourself. I highly recommend looking through all the advice given on the thread and go talk to a financial advisor. Make sure all of his statements are true. You also should look at counseling for yourself and if you do stay (not recommended) then counseling for the two of you.

Post # 75
306 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2004


Since then I have asked for the passwords and he would just give me different excuses, and then he started to become more agitated and threw tantrums because I didn’t trust him or believe in his capabilities.

Do you see how deceptive and manipulative this is?  He was lying to you and horribly mismanaging your fiances and made you feel like the bad guy, that’s gaslighting.  I can almost feel in your posts how badly you want to think the best of him, that’s understandable but he has given you so many reason not to.  Easier said than done, I know, but try to take your heart of out things and look at the situation objectively.

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