Post # 1
Hi. I’ve been reading the boards for a while now, secretly hoping!
I’ve beemy with my boyfriend for four years now. He has been married before and got hurt. He is committed to me, he moved to the other end of the country to be with me (we met online) and we live together.
He is a really amazing guy; kind, funny, loving. I adore him and he is definitely the one. We are inseparable, when he is away he calls and texts to let me know he is thinking of me. He knows me better than I know myself!
I would never give him an ultimatum, I want him to want to marry me, not be forced into it. I just so want to be his wife. I’d be proud to be his wife and tell people he is my husband. He gets a lot of grief from my family about getting engaged. They adore him too, and say that we are made for each other.
He says that he doesn’t believe in marriage (because he got hurt) and that it shows how much he loves me by not wanting to marry me. I sort of understand, but I find it tough. If I’m honest, I’m also jealou that he wanted to marry someone else before – silly, I know. He doesn’t call me his girlfriend, but refers to me as his partner.
Can you get used to being together without getting married? Has anybody been in a similar position?
Thanks bees : )
Post # 3
- Wedding: September 2013 - The Gables at Chadds Ford
@TurquoiseSilver: This is a tough question to answer. If you know you want to be married, but he will only refer to you as his partner, that may eventually wear on your soul. Being with a great man is one thing, but you also need to have mutual goals. Mabe you can have a talk with him where you express your sympathy for his situation, but also make it clear how much it would mean to you to actually be married and how sad it makes you feel that he doesn’t want to make it official. I don’t know how old the two of you are, but I have a friend who is 25 and all of our friends are getting married but she isn’t engaged yet and is always sad about it (they too have been together 4 years) but she loves him and doesn’t want to part ways over it. I think it all depends on the situation. I guess for me it was the opposite though- I had no desire to be married anytime soon when my fiancé proposed, but he proposed anyways. It took us three years to really get started planning because I honestly wasn’t ready. Maybe he would be comfortable having a long engagement? Best of luck to you! I hope everything works out for you girlie!
Post # 4
Lots of couples go on for decades as unmarried life partners. The real issue is whether that will be enough for you.
Is he open to counseling? I suspect his marriage phobia could be worked through. Everyone who has been divorced has been hurt. He’s hardly unique. The line about proving his love for you by not marrying you is a bit twisted, IMO.
It’s really a matter of what you can accept and be happy. How important is marriage to you?
Post # 5
@TurquoiseSilver: I think it just comes down to communication. Have you explained to him why it’s so important for you to be married? Is this something that he was aware of when you two started dating? If you’ve always wanted to be married, but you’re dating someone that you know doesn’t believe in marriage, you need to prepare yourself for the fact that a proposal may never come. I’m hoping this isn’t the case for you; however, if it is, you will need to decide which is more important, getting married or being with the right guy. There is no right or wrong answer, only what is right for you.
Post # 6
It honestly comes down to what YOU want for your future. Do you want a marriage and a family as a married woman or are you willing to do that as a partner, but not legally married? I don’t know if you even want kids, but those are the questions you have to ask yourself. Not only about the immediate future, but the long-term as well. There are a lot of obstacles that come with being an unmarried partner, including not having any say in medical issues (and in some circumstances, not even being allowed to see that person in a hospital setting), custody of children, financial obligations, ownership of property and other assets, benefits, etc. Not all of these will apply to you and some can be taken care of in other ways. But, in some ways, living together as partners is similar to the issues that many homosexual couples face. Does that mean it’s not possible to live together happily as an unmarried couple? Of course not! Many couples live together unmarried for their entire lives. Marriage is not the only way to prove love and devotion.
Please don’t continue in this relationship solely on the thought that “more time will change his mind”. If you feel he has been honest with you about his feelings on the subject of marriage, take him at his word. Have an honest talk with him at length about how you both feel, then take the time to figure out what you want in your life. Be honest with him AND with yourself. Only then will you be able to make the best decision for you. Sometimes it can be hard to say goodbye – but if you both are on separate tracks for your futures, then it’s the right choice for both of you. If you are both honest with yourselves and each other, then you are more likely to be able to come to a compromise that you both are truly happy with. Best of luck to you both!
Post # 7
I’m going to be brave and have a long chat about it. Every girl dreams of her wedding, but no relationship is perfect. If this is the only thing that isn’t quite right, I guess I’ll learn to live with it. I love him dearly and want to spend my life with him. That won’t change.