Post # 1
Member
38 posts
Newbee
Hi, I’m new and I’m so sad.
I’ve been with my boyfriend since the summer of 2010. We agreed in June of 2011 that we would get married. I had a personal crisis during the fall and told him I needed to put things on hold. My crisis abated in November of 2011. We talked and decided on a July 2012 wedding. I knew that meant I needed to get planning ASAP. To my dismay, he had done NOTHING in the way of getting a ring–hadn’t even figured out what I wanted. I told him in mid-November that we really needed to focus on getting engaged, and he seemed on track with that. Then December came, and he seemed really distracted. I asked him what was going on vis a vis our getting engaged, and he said that he was busy getting ready for Christmas and that after the New Year we would “focus on the relationship” and get engaged in January or February.
Ouch. I’m SO sad. He knew since June that we’d get married and had plenty of time to get the ring figured out, but he didn’t do anything. Then when I told him in November that we needed to focus on “us” he got distracted with Christmas. I’ve now told him that it needs to happen soon for a July 2012 wedding. August and September are not options for various reasons. I hate to wait till October because I am an “older” bride w/ biological clock issues, so time is precious, and I would like some time of being able to live together as husband and wife without me having to be pregnant right away.
I just feel so devastated that he put buying his Christmas presents ahead of working on the ring project. I wasn’t expecting a Christmas proposal, but I’m devastated that I seemed to be at a lower level on his priority list. I feel like the air popped out of my balloon and now worry that I won’t enjoy getting engaged.
It’s not so much the timeline, just that he thought it was ok to put our relationship on hold because he thought it was more important to buy Christmas presents.
Am I being unreasonable to be hurt?
Post # 3
Member
335 posts
Helper bee
I think you’re being a little hard on him. It sounds like he’s planning to propose in Jan or Feb? That’s really soon! And it’s not too far off from what you originally talked about. Buying a ring and planning a proposal can take a lot of thought/time/money, so I think you should cut him a little slack.
Post # 4
Member
3788 posts
Honey bee
Of course you’re going to be hurt — you didn’t get what you wanted. It makes sense that you wouldn’t like that. I wouldn’t say it’s unreasonable, but I don’t think it’s unfair necessarily. Without knowing your situation (nor do I think you should have to share personal details online), it’s hard to say, but you chose to put your relationship and engagement on hold during your “crisis” so I think in fairness you need to give him time to adjust now that it’s past. Ease back into it. It sounds like you want to pick up like nothing changed, and while, again, it’s impossible for us to know how it affected your relationship, I think that anything big enough to put engagement plans on holds is going to require some adjustment to get past. Give him his space. It’s not like he’s saying he doesn’t want to marry you. Enjoy the holidays together and enjoy that your crisis has passed, and just look forward to the happiness that the new year is sure to bring!
Post # 5
Member
38 posts
Newbee
Thanks, ladies. Hugs! I’ll look forward to posting happier updates. Be well.
Post # 6
Member
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
Ouch, I think your setting yourself unrealistic goals here, and of course when they are not met by your SO you will get upset. Please think that you have been together 18 months, and perhaps still only settling into your relationship.
I would just try and enjoy your relationship as your SO mentioned, as it is clear to me he just wants to do that with you, rather than jump through hoops so to speak. The engagement will come, just let him work his magic rather than challenging him constantly, and you will feel less anxious too 🙂
Post # 7
Member
97 posts
Worker bee
I think you are being unrealistic. It’s Christmas time. I think you should be understanding of why he put things off. Is there a reason you HAVE to get married in July? He could actually be savig some money for the ring and wants it to be a surprise. I think you should just wait it out. If he says he wants to marry you and you trust him, then i say you should trust that he will propose to you at some point.
Post # 8
Member
701 posts
Busy bee
the comment would hurt me too, but we are hearing it differently than he probably meant it.
Post # 9
Member
1109 posts
Bumble bee
It sounds like you’ve been planning this wedding right from the beginning of your relationship, and you’re giving him kind of narrow windows of when he has to propose and when you have to be married by. Are you giving him any say in any of it? The holidays are very hectic and of course he has to buy presents, save money for travel etc. It’s kind of unfair to tell him in November that you want to be engaged soon, that’s like the busiest most expensive time of the year.
If your major concern is being married on the date you chose, I’d say maybe try and see what’s realistic for him to accomplish in that time. Maybe skip the ring, or buy a much less expensive ring for now, or start planning without the ring if he’s ok with that. You could also do a courthouse wedding or a small elopement to save yourself the stress of planning in a short amount of time. I know it sounds harsh but you are expecting quite a bit between now and July, I had a 6 month engagement so I’m speaking from experience. Talk to him without getting upset or telling him your expectations. Just see what he has in mind.
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