(Closed) new thread about marrying young PLEASE READ

posted 10 years ago in 20 Something
Post # 47
1019 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

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@JB4evr: i’ve only read part of this thread, and do not intend to go back and read it all the way through. however, i would encourage you to be careful talking about “abuse” on a public, online message board, especially since you are under the age of 18. if you reveal enough information, and someone on here sees it (like a social worker, for example), that person may be able to report your situation to children services.

just saying….

Post # 48
2214 posts
Buzzing bee

I think you’ll get more helpful advice/information if you ask more specific questions. If you want help planning a wedding, then ask questions about venues, decor, dresses, invitations, etc.  Don’t just start a vague post about planning a wedding as a young bride because you’re just going to get comments about your age.  There are plenty of young brides on weddingbee, and this is a very accepting and helpful group of women, so just be more specific in your posts, and you’ll get more helpful information.  I think some people have already given you really good advice about how to talk to your parents about your engagement. Is there something else specific you wanted advice about?

Post # 49
2628 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

@JB4ever…I haven’t read through every comment posted on here, so if I repeat some of what has already been said, I apologize.  One thing that REALLY stood out from something you said was that you have had lots of boyfriends who stood by you through tough times and that you had been with for “a long time”…Honestly, the first thing that I thought when I read this was, “Did you start dating when you were 10?”  What’s a long time to you 1 month, 2 months, a year?  If you said a few months, then yeah, I guess I could see how you have had “lots of boyfriends,” but a few months is not a long time.  If you say over a year is a long time, then I just don’t see how you’ve had “lots of boyfriends for a long time” when you’re only 16…which leads me to think you are exagerating, which is something I would expect a 16 year old to do….not someone who claims they are mature enough to get married.  I think most adults would agree that to have been in a relationship for “a long time” would mean you had been with someone for several years. 

I think something you might be having a hard time grasping is why we don’t believe you are old enough or mature enough.  In a very simple way, it’s because you are ONLY 16.  And no matter how mature/responsible a 16 year old may think they are, they have never been 22 or 25 or 30…Where as all of us that are those ages HAVE been 16 and know how incredibly immature we were then compared to where we are now.  Trust me, I was a very mature 16 year old.  I held down a job, was a tri-sport athlete, on the honor roll, national honor society,…you name it, I was it.  I put myself through college and graduated in 3 1/2 years.  However, as responsible & mature as I was, I still had ALOT of growing up to do. 

As to your question about approaching your parents, I don’t see how it’s going to make a difference.  You are 16, they are not going to be happy to hear you are getting married so young.  Yes, a lot of us bees here had parents get married young and have happy marriages.  My parents are one of those.  They were 18 & 19 when they were married and just celebrated their 32nd anniversary…but those times were different.  Heck, you could get an outstanding job with just a high school diploma back when my parents were your age…something that is very hard to do these days. 

I 100% believe in marriage.  I belive to have that sort of relationship is wonderful, exciting, amazing, etc….when you are ready!  And I just truly think 16 is not enough time to be ready.  If your BF is truly the person you are supposed to be with, he will still be there when it is time to be married.  Getting married in no way guarantees that you guys will stick together. 

Post # 51
18628 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I believe in growing with someone (my husband and I have) but I still wouldn’t have married him before graduating college.  College and working full time was stressful enough as I said before.  Not that I’m saying that we were crazy or anything, just that it was hard enough maintaining a relationship, I imagine that a marriage would be just as difficult.

Post # 53
18628 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

That’s what I thought but now we are both going to grad school so it’s about the same.  I hope it works out for you though.

Post # 54
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I’m not going to add a whole lot, but you stated that you wanted advice based on th information provided…and that’s what you are getting.  One of the things I love about this site is people willing to be honest and not just saying what we want to hear.  Is it possible that things could work out perfectly? Sure. No one is saying that it absolutely will not work. What we are saying is that, in the long run, you and your fiance/boyfriend may be better off in the long run if you wait.  One question that I’ve seen asked multiple times but have yet to see a response is what is the rush? Why is it necessary to get married at 18 versus 22 when you are done with school? 

My mom was also a very young bride and my parents have now been married for almost 40 years.  It has not always been easy, but they’ve made it work. That being said, the world is not quite the same as it was 40 years ago.  The ladies on this thread are offering advice out of concern for you as a woman. As previous posters have said, we know what it’s like to be 17/22/26/30 etc.  We’ve been there done that.  We’re not experts on your life but we are experts on ours.  I hope you take to heart that most of us who have a few more years on our belt all seem to feel the same way…It’s not out of spite or any other negative feeling.  I wish you luck.

Post # 55
5822 posts
Bee Keeper

I’m a little bit offended for the OP.  Seriously.  Everyone seems to intend to jump down her throat because she’s getting told that she shouldn’t get married.  If this were any other post and it was any other issue, people would be much more careful about throwing that out there.

My brother got engaged at 17, married at 18.  His 10th anniversary is the 17th, and his marriage is incredibly strong.  He and his wife have 3 kids, a house, two cars and a dog.  Living the American dream.  Neither of them attended college.  They are living off of less than the mentioned “$48,000” per year, and they are JUST FINE.  They don’t live in filth, their lives aren’t difficult, and their marriage isn’t weaker than mine, just because they married young and I married at 27.

Just being young is no reason to postpone a wedding, the strength of the relationship and commitment to each other should be the deciding factor.  I say go for it, commit to keeping it strong, and never look back on your past.  Your parents will continually disappoint you throughout your life, and your wedding is just another occasion that they will fail.  I’d try to get ahold of another family member for addresses etc so that you don’t have to deal with your parents.

Post # 57
279 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

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@JB4evr:  I really don’t intend this to sound mean, but to me, the way you communicate in your posts sheds light on your level of maturity and experience. They seem a little repetitive and rambly to me. 

You are 16 and discussing something that isn’t even currently legal for you to do without parental consent. That in and of itself should be a major red flag.

Even though you’ll be 18 when you plan to get married, what is the rush?  You can have a fulfilling relationship just living and growing together until you are more stable in your life and have a career.

I’m certainly not saying it will never work, It’s just a little concerning that you are rushing to get married the moment it is legal for you to do so.

Post # 58
14181 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Perhaps you should see a marriage counselor/therapist, explain the situation, and get some professional advice on how to deal with telling your family you’re getting married. It sounds pretty sticky, considering the childhood you have, and I think someone who’s had training in this aspect would be able to guide you properly. My only concern would be that you are 16, living with a 19 year old, and I wonder if they could report you for that (if it’s illegal in your state), in which case it’d cause more issues

Post # 59
753 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

JB like a few others have said, I haven’t read through every post, but I thought I would reply anyway. 

When I was 18 I was engaged to my high school boyfriend.  I really believed this was the right decision for me, and had a very hard time listening to anyone else’s opinions on the subject.  In my mind I was mature and ready to handle a commitment and a relationship like that (I wasn’t).  My fiance ended up splitting up when I was 20.

I would say that I did a tremendous amount of growing and changing as a person between 18 and 28.  I cannot stress that enough.  I know now what I truly want out of my life and out of the relationship that I want to be in for the rest of my life.

Like you, I went through many challenges in my life when I was younger which I do feel made me more mature for my age.  While I was more mature than a lot of my friends though, it did not make me mature enough for marriage.

That said, it doesn’t meant that your marriage will not work, but I think you need to give it some time.  Before you wrote that you just didn’t want to wait, but trust me…if you relationship is meant to be, then waiting a couple more years will not make much of a difference.  It might only make you  more sure that this is the choice that is right for you.

Good luck!

Post # 60
403 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

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@MightySapphire:  Thank you!! I was thinking the same thing. It’s not really our place to tell someone whether they should or shouldn’t get married, unless they specifically ask us.

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