(Closed) new thread about marrying young PLEASE READ

posted 10 years ago in 20 Something
Post # 62
Member
4544 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

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@JB4evr: You asked for specific advice about telling your parents. Perhaps you should (as another poster mentioned), see a counseler and explain the situation to them and ask them for advice. Every family is different and it always helps to get an experienced and objective opinion from someone who you’ve told the whole situation to.

As for telling your parents, there’s really no way to know without knowing more about your relationship with your parents. I know when my Fiance and I got engaged we knew that my mother had to be the first one to know because she would flip out if she thought someone else found out before her (even my stepfather). This factored in to how we told my parents we were getting engaged.

Post # 63
Member
2076 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Of all the comments on this thread, I think that ejs4y8’s idea of seeing a pastor/couselor is the best idea!  Getting a third party to listen to all of your concerns as well as bring up topics you and your Fiance hadn’t thought about is excellent because communication is the key for a happy relationship.  Not only that, but do you both know how each of you feels about children, religion, and other sticky topics?  My Fiance and I are planning on talking to one just so we can bring about issues we hadn’t thought of ourselves. I’m looking forward to talking to a professional because I know I haven’t thought of everything!

Best of luck, JB4evr.  🙂

Edit:  I also want to add that on the ‘bee I tend to see a lot of people suggesting to others to go to couples counseling, individule couseling, etc., and while I don’t always agree it’s the only way, this time I do.  Pre-marital couseling always sounds like a good idea in my book.

Post # 64
Member
377 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I want to be supportive of every bride on WB. I think there’s that line between being harsh and being realistic, though. Statistics show that the divorce rate is about 65% for marriages that begin when the bride is younger than 24. That rate drops to about 14% for marriages that begin when the bride is 30 or older.

I don’t think that means no one should be married young. I do think it might mean young brides should proceed with caution and understand the factors that might lead to such a high divorce rate. Also, I think in this particular case, with a history of abuse and family turmoil, making sure you’ve sorted through your own issues first before committing to a marriage is key.

I don’t mean to be confrontational, I just feel really strongly about this particular topic. I don’t know the OP or her emotional status, but I do think every woman needs to be ok within themselves before marrying. If there are unresolved emotional issues going into a relationship, chances are they won’t go away and will just play out over and over again until they’re dealt with.

Post # 67
Member
513 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Wow, sounds like you have a lot going on. I came from a very broken home and got married just after turning 21. I highly recommend pre marital counseling if you two decide to get married after a year has passed.  My first marriage ended in divorce. Neither of us had the skills needed to maintain our marriage. We are friends now and have 2 kids together. I know you probably won’t listen, but live a little before getting married. I sometimes think of all the things I could have done if I had not chosen to get married so young. You can’t make up for lost time. Your family may not accept your decision and it sounds like you have very adult responsibilities. I hope you make the best decision for you. Good luck to you both.

Post # 70
Member
366 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I already commented on the other thread and obviously the whole “I’m young and I’m getting married” declarative statement has put an end to any advice you might want about your age or relationship.  I can see there’s no changing you.  I think the best thing the bees can do now is give advice about generic wedding things and leave relationship advice out unless solicited by you (which you did by starting this post, but have shut down as far as I can tell).

Wedding stuff.  Okay, I’m with some of the other bees.  If your parents have had such a negative impact on your life and you feel you can do this on your own, do it.  They’ll likely just make things harder with drama.  Surround yourself with people you love and who support you when you go on big events like dress shopping.  Ask for help from those capable of giving it.  Most importantly, set a budget for the wedding and STICK TO IT!  It’s not worth it to get yourselves into debt by using credit cards to pay for a big crazy wedding.  

Good luck!

Post # 71
Member
218 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2006

Planning the Wedding:    Organization!  I had a binder with all the “wedding stuff” in it to help me stay organized and a schedule of what I had to order and when.  Something with pockets is good because you can rip things out of magazines as you get ides.  Most F2F vendors want more than a 6 month lead time prior to your big day; I found internet vendors to be much easier to work with, many had stock already on hand and items shipped out right away.

Also the grocery store or a local farmers market might be a good place for food/flowers for the wedding.  Great prices.  Office stores or even “big box” stores have nice invites that can be printed on any computer printer.  Or you could do hand written invites if you only want to invite a few people.

Moving;  Always a nightmare, as you probably know!  What I found helpful was to pack up everything I knew I wasn’t going to use way in advance.  For instance, I moved in winter, so all my summer stuff got boxed away and carefully labelled after the season was over.  I also took time to carefully pack away momentos, DVD’s, framed photos etc long before we were scheduled to move. 

This works even if you don’t have a lot of “stuff”.  Everyone always has more than they think.  I just packed a friend up last year who lived in one room who swore she didn’t have a lot of stuff . . . It took us more than 10 hours just to pack what she had in her closet, dresser and desk.  

Telling the Parents:  You aren’t obligated to tell them since you’ll be a legal adult.  If you are sending formal invites you could send them one, if you don’t want them to come then I would call or send a nice letter after the fact.  If you left ’cause of abuse you may not want the to know where you’re going to be living, so be mindful of the postmark and send from another city.  Yellopages.com will help you find the addresses of other relatives.

However you will need copies of your birth certificate and any other official paperwork that you have.  You will need this to prove your ID for jobs as well as if you plan on changing your name after you’re married.  (I say this ’cause I don’t know if you have this paperwork currently.)  I kept a large envelope with a clasp closure with all of our important paperwork in it.  When you move you will have to prove residency, so make sure the utility bills are in both your names.  If you change your name you’ll have to show the marriage license to the DMV, Social Security, etc.  If you do change your name try to get the state to let you hold on to your old license (my state punched a big hole in the old one to show it was invalid), several times I’ve had to show the link betwen my “maiden name” and my married name and they wanted more than just the marriage license.

Good luck!  It’s a lot to juggle with work and school, but once everything is done you’ll be amazed at how much free time you have!

Post # 72
Member
246 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I am also a young bride, both Fiance and I will be 21 on our wedding day, so I am also a firm believer that age has absolutely nothing to do with it.  But I can also say that at 17 I was with somebody that I thought I was going to spend my life with.  We were together 4 years, we were even engaged and lived together for a year and a half.  There were plenty of times where I just wanted to marry him on the spot, and forego all the waiting that we were planning on doing, but looking back, I’m glad that we did wait.  Because I learned so much about him that I just wasn’t willing to live with.  We both changed so much from the time we were 17 to the time that our relationship ended.  I matured, I became more responsible, took care of myself, focused on school and doing well, started planning for our future, and he didn’t do a thing to contribute.  He became lazy, flunked out of school twice in a row, and did many things that made me not able to trust him.  And at 17, I was head over heels for this guy, as well as at 18.  But now I could not be happier with where I am, and with the man I am going to share my life with.  We are a better match, he treats me so much better, and I don’t ever have any reason not to trust him. 

Now I’m not saying by any means that my situation is going to happen to you.  All I’m saying is that I see it both ways, as I am still a very young bride and can relate to you, but I can see where the others are coming from when they say 17 is still very young.  I know that when others tried to offer me advice when I was 17, I wouldn’t listen to anything that I didn’t want to hear, and a lot of it would make me mad and I would lose my temper.  But all of these people are just trying to help and give you advice based on their experience, and sometimes it’s best to listen to it, or at least take it in, which you have said you are doing, because a lot of these people have been through a lot more.  But, as you’ve said, you’ve been on your own, you’ve been living with this guy for some time now, and you know him better than any of us could hope to.  So what it comes down to is you have to do what’s right for you.  You’re right, we can all give you advice, but in the end, what matters is what’s right for you and your Fiance, and as long as you’re sure you can support yourselves financially and you can work through whichever problems life throws your way, and you can see yourself 50 years from now still happy and in love with this man, then go for it, and I wish you two the best of luck..

Post # 73
Member
6659 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

I’ve read through at least most of what you’ve said, and I can tell there’s no point in giving you ‘advice’ since you’ve already made up your mind. What you plan on doing is a terrible idea from any vantage point for obvious reasons I won’t repeat. And breaking the news to your parents will most likely be a nightmare, no matter how it’s presented.

You are at an age where you are starting to become your own person, but don’t have enough real world knowledge to even be able to make such big life altering decisions. I know you think you do because of everything you’ve been through, but I promise you actually don’t.

So all I will say is good luck. If you find yourself divorced or unhappy in a few years at least you will still be very young and can start over.

Post # 74
Member
212 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

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@JB4evr: You are completely ignoring people who are asking how old your boyfriend is, and how long you two have been together. That is a sign to me that something is a little wrong with the situation and you know people will judge you for it.

Post # 75
Member
89 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I am 20 but started dating my fiancee when I was 16. Although we fell in love within the first week of knowing each other I wanted to wait until I had NO doubts whatsoever before we got married, which he completely understood. I am so happy that I waited because I am thrilled to marry him and now KNOW he is perfect for me. I am not nervous or scared at all because I have gotten over my trust issues, etc. My advice to you would be to make sure you are certain you have no doubts and that you are getting married because you love everything about him.

For wedding planning advice- go simple. I have lived with my Fiancee for almost 4 years and can not justify a huge, elaborate wedding when I know we want to save up for a house, a new car for him and lots of traveling. Be realistic… set a god budget and have your wedding for you and him (… don’t get a ballgown dress because your mom wants you to when you really want a short, modern dress…etc.) However, if family wants to help you pay be a little more open… the way it sounds though is that you will be going at it alone like myself.

Good luck with everything. Go with your heart and I’m sure it will work out fine! 🙂

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