(Closed) His Friends preventing a proposal?

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 17
Member
1715 posts
Bumble bee

He needs to stop teaseing you with this engagement. Either do it or dont. It’s not fair to you. you have given up everything to be with this guy, and it’s almost like he treats you like…I dont know, some sort of house pet. You deserve a social life, and he should be standing up for you to his friends.

Post # 18
Member
1715 posts
Bumble bee

Oh just read the update. Good for you! Stick to your guns.

Post # 19
Member
1461 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I was in a similiar position when my SO and I started dating almost 7 years ago. He friends were all members of his church and were extremely click-ish. They did not like me one bit because I was not a part of their “circle”. I was strong, had a mind of my own and didn’t take any crap from my SO. They were also mad that he spent more time with me then he did with them. 

Here’s how I dealt with it. First, do not be angry with your SO’s friends–because your SO dictates how anyone in his life treats you. You need to have a serious talk with your SO and let him know that if he wants you in your life then he needs to let his friends know how they are to treat you. It’s going to take some time as they have been in his life longer than you have. Remain a good loyal Girlfriend to him and do not waver. 

I introduced my SO to my friends who were MUCH more welcoming and made him see what REAL friends are supposed to be life. Simply put if his friends truly care about him, then they will want to see him happy. Overtime his friends grew to “tolerate” me and I have ALWAYS blunty said to them that I could care less if they liked me or not…i’m not in a relationship with them.

Fortunately as time went on and we grew up he gained new life long friends. The interesting part is that everyone thought he wouldn’t amount to much and he is the most successful out all of them–and I get the last laugh. 

Hang in there, it will get better if you stand your ground. 

Post # 20
Member
865 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I am so sorry you are going through this, but it sounds like you are taking the high road and being the mature one. My only concern is that your SO is letting his friends influence your relationship so much. While this may only be a short-term problem is you two do end up moving overseas, it seems like he had his mind made up to propose to you, and they were able to completely reverse his decision. That’s a lot of influence for a group of friends to have on a grown man! Sorry if you have addressed this already in a post and I missed it, but have you tried talking to him very honestly about how his friends are affecting you? Maybe if he knows he has your support, he won’t feel like he needs theirs so much, or you could at least gain some insight into why he’s let them influence him so much. It’s alwayas tough to negotiate friend groups when you start dating someone new, especially if you don’t have your own friends and family nearby to back you up. I have had exes with friends that I miss more than the ex, and then again I have had exes with female friends who hated me (turns out some of them were interested in my boyfriend and he was being an ass and leading them on/ flirting back; they thought they could intimidate me into getting out of the picture…). I don’t think friends have the power to make or break a relationship unless you let them, but it sounds like your SO may be very close to letting them have that kind of influence over him! 

This may be an unrelated issue, but it also sounds like you are very lonely in your current situation. Is there any way that you can join a club or take up a hobby in your new town and try to meet some people? It might help things if you have your own life and your own set of friends that you can lean on and talk to. 

Good luck! 

Post # 22
Member
52 posts
Worker bee

Just ignore the friends and sit down FH and say “look, ignore everybody else.  Are you happy with me? Yes? ok good moving on.  Do we have both families blessing?  Yes ok moving on.  I’m not going to wait my whole life for you to propose.  I love you but this is crazy.  Friends are important but when they are saying inappropiate things about me, somebody they barely know, i wouldnt listen to them.  Lets just get married.”  I am a very blunt person so i would lay it out straight to him.  Hope that helps and good luck!

Post # 23
Member
865 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@CloverPinder:  Thanks, my picture is of… Madame X 😀 And I totally get what you’re saying about friends and how significant their approval can be; I think you’re completely right about wanting to take friends’ opinions into account. Not that all of your closest friends have to love your SO, but if they are warning you against him or her, you’d want to know why. That being said, if he was ready to propose to you and had made the decision to do so without asking their advice, and they convinced him otherwise… That’s a big deal. Firstly, because they weren’t supportive of his decision (it doesn’t sound like he was asking for their approval, he was just letting them know), and second because they have seemingly turned against you just because you are an outsider to their group, or they feel threatened, or they’re bored, etc… I don’t think you should treat them like the enemy, but I do think it may be time to just sit your SO down and tell him how you feel. There is nothing wrong with telling him you’d like to be engaged, and that you know he was thinking about it seriously until his friends spoke to him about it. You could ask him for an honest reason why he changed his mind or decided to wait after speaking to his friends, and go from there. If nothing else comes of the conversation, at least he’ll know that you want to move forward with the relationship, and hopefully this will give you the chance to tell him you don’t feel like his friends are supportive of your relationship with him, even if they are nice to your face. This doesn’t have to be you vs his friends; it’s about taking his friends out of the conversation concerning your future with him. Who knows, maybe he has his own reasons for wanting to put off an engagement for a bit; if you were to find that out, that knowledge may help you get on with his friends better and move forward with him in your relationship, too. But you won’t know unless you try bringing it up to him. 

Let us know how you get on, and good luck! 

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