(Closed) New to waiting… advice?

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1240 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@MSUbee: welcome. I’m kind of new here too. I’ve been with my SO for 7 years. So the waiting game is being played around here too.

Do you have a friend you can talk to? I do that to keep myself level headed. And yes, I see people all the time who are engaged and married in 1/2 the time my SO and I have been together. I mean, his mom did it. Which I know, it’s different the older you are, and where you live. 

I have a coworker who said, if he doesn’t put a ring on it within 3 years she’s leaving him, and I said that’s fine, at 3 years, my SO and I were moving to college together. And as for everyone else, no one really bothers us, but a few do. And I come home pretty hot over it but I tell them that he obviously isn’t ready when means WE aren’t ready. 

Post # 4
Member
45 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2012

@MSUbee: I think you’re describing a lot of people’s experiences. I’m not waiting anymore, but i understand!

A little background from me… started dating at 17, moved in at 19 with each other. I was antsy starting probably around 3 years in, and then right after i got antsy a close friend got engaged!!! I was incredibly jealous. It hurt that i wasn’t only happy for her, but i felt a pang of jealously her whole engagement. It’s normal, but you can feel happy and jealous at the same time.

We did the ring shopping thing, and the constantly talking ab out marriage thing, but he always argued he wasn’t in the place to get engaged. He took a lot longer to be ready than I was. Honestly, I kept myself busy by looking quietly on craigslist and jewelry websites at rings. Often, i had to pull myself back and remind myself of the things that I already loved about our situation! And finally, I had to remind myself that when we got engaged, i wanted him to be excited about getting married and 100% on board, instead of still a little hesitant.

He finally asked, after 5 1/2 years of being together… it was a torturous wait (even though i’m so young). I used to answer those people with “you need to talk to him, not me”… but definitely moved on to “when he’s ready, he’ll ask”  (always thinking shove a damn sock in it)…. but no matter what you say they’re going to ask because there aren’t a lot of topics for small talk.

Most importantly, don’t always remind him you’re waiting. I used to so often… It was almost like i was doing it without thinking and i knew i shouldn’t be!!! I stopped bugging him like 6 months before we actually got engaged, and I think me not reminding him helped speed things along!

Post # 5
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Honestly, it came down to the option that we wouldn’t be able to live together anymore that made him realize that he wanted to be married to me.

He went through a religious conversion that led to us stopping all intimacy. We then realized we were living “in sin” even though we had stopped doing stuff, so he was supposed to move out.

The only advice I heard that worked about getting guys in the marrying mind that actually seems plausible: If you want to get a proposal faster, absolutely don’t move in with him until you are engaged. Don’t even let him spend nights.

Post # 7
Member
48 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@MSUbee:WOW!!!! I feel like we are literally in the same boat…. Mid 20s, he’s a grad student, im a vet med student, friends moving on with their life and feeling like ill be going crazy soon…

I’d love to read all the advice the other bees will give, i’m sure it will be useful for me as well…. 

Post # 8
Member
2893 posts
Sugar bee

I agree that the “you should ask him” response would probably be fine when people start to pester. However, I’ve gotten to a point where, I know better, but before I can stop myself I’ve been blabbing horrible things like, “I have no idea, I bet he’d be single for the rest of his life if he could get away with it.” Yeah. Don’t say that. 🙂 My guy suggested I just tell them, “Eventually.” Sometimes less is more. But, unfortunately, I still put my foot in my mouth. I’m very cool and collected about it up until someone asks then I just freak out.

Honestly, a huge part of successful waiting is learning to recognize the source of your negative emotions and working to keep yourself from projecting (ie, mistaking work stress for waiting stress). Stress management, keeping busy, taking time for yourself and learning to answer the inevitable “so when is it gonna be your turn” questions.

Good luck! 🙂

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