Post # 1
I promised myself I wouldn’t use weddingbee for anything but helping the girls I love (and am being a bridesmaid for)… but right now I am in need of help from other waiting bees.
Here is a little background (seeing as this is really my first post about me!). My SO and I have been in a serious relationship for over 3 years and have known each since we met at camp at 15 (we are mid 20s now). We’ve been to look at rings twice and he asked for my ring size. However, when we talk, he’s clearly in no hurry… which was fine until the ring shopping. I know that our finances are not in the right place (I’m a med student, he’s a grad student), we both have a bit of growing up to do yet, and I really won’t have a good free week to get married for 3 years ( 2nd and 3rd year of school are brutal, but I’ll have planning time during the 4th).
BUT….within the last month 4 of my friends have gotten engaged and I have been a bridesmaid in multiple weddings this summer… so I am starting to get antsy.
So my questions are
1) how did you keep from going crazy while waiting?
2) Is it normal to be jealous of my friends who are getting engaged? I HATE that it is my inner reaction (even though it truly is followed by happiness for them)
3) And finally, since most of my friends that are getting engaged or plan to soon have been dating significantly less time than me, what is the best way to respond to the “you should really tell him to hurry up” comments without being a huge b!tch?
Post # 3
@MSUbee: welcome. I’m kind of new here too. I’ve been with my SO for 7 years. So the waiting game is being played around here too.
Do you have a friend you can talk to? I do that to keep myself level headed. And yes, I see people all the time who are engaged and married in 1/2 the time my SO and I have been together. I mean, his mom did it. Which I know, it’s different the older you are, and where you live.
I have a coworker who said, if he doesn’t put a ring on it within 3 years she’s leaving him, and I said that’s fine, at 3 years, my SO and I were moving to college together. And as for everyone else, no one really bothers us, but a few do. And I come home pretty hot over it but I tell them that he obviously isn’t ready when means WE aren’t ready.
Post # 4
@MSUbee: I think you’re describing a lot of people’s experiences. I’m not waiting anymore, but i understand!
A little background from me… started dating at 17, moved in at 19 with each other. I was antsy starting probably around 3 years in, and then right after i got antsy a close friend got engaged!!! I was incredibly jealous. It hurt that i wasn’t only happy for her, but i felt a pang of jealously her whole engagement. It’s normal, but you can feel happy and jealous at the same time.
We did the ring shopping thing, and the constantly talking ab out marriage thing, but he always argued he wasn’t in the place to get engaged. He took a lot longer to be ready than I was. Honestly, I kept myself busy by looking quietly on craigslist and jewelry websites at rings. Often, i had to pull myself back and remind myself of the things that I already loved about our situation! And finally, I had to remind myself that when we got engaged, i wanted him to be excited about getting married and 100% on board, instead of still a little hesitant.
He finally asked, after 5 1/2 years of being together… it was a torturous wait (even though i’m so young). I used to answer those people with “you need to talk to him, not me”… but definitely moved on to “when he’s ready, he’ll ask” (always thinking shove a damn sock in it)…. but no matter what you say they’re going to ask because there aren’t a lot of topics for small talk.
Most importantly, don’t always remind him you’re waiting. I used to so often… It was almost like i was doing it without thinking and i knew i shouldn’t be!!! I stopped bugging him like 6 months before we actually got engaged, and I think me not reminding him helped speed things along!
Post # 5
Honestly, it came down to the option that we wouldn’t be able to live together anymore that made him realize that he wanted to be married to me.
He went through a religious conversion that led to us stopping all intimacy. We then realized we were living “in sin” even though we had stopped doing stuff, so he was supposed to move out.
The only advice I heard that worked about getting guys in the marrying mind that actually seems plausible: If you want to get a proposal faster, absolutely don’t move in with him until you are engaged. Don’t even let him spend nights.
Post # 6
Thanks everyone for being so sweet and understanding! As much as I needed help, I also wanted to vent a little and i was afraid that it would come off wrong. I really appreciate all the advice.
@gogogiraffes: I normally would talk to all the girls that are getting engaged, but I don’t want them to think I’m not excited for them. My parents were engaged with less than a year of dating, so as much as I love my mom, I just don’t think she’d really understand.
@smgam06, thank you for reminding me to appreciate what is special about what we have now… sometimes I forget to be grateful for the moment because I am so busy looking ahead.
@Miss In-Love: We aren’t living together, but I have definitely heard that advice too!
Post # 7
@MSUbee:WOW!!!! I feel like we are literally in the same boat…. Mid 20s, he’s a grad student, im a vet med student, friends moving on with their life and feeling like ill be going crazy soon…
I’d love to read all the advice the other bees will give, i’m sure it will be useful for me as well….
Post # 8
I agree that the “you should ask him” response would probably be fine when people start to pester. However, I’ve gotten to a point where, I know better, but before I can stop myself I’ve been blabbing horrible things like, “I have no idea, I bet he’d be single for the rest of his life if he could get away with it.” Yeah. Don’t say that. 🙂 My guy suggested I just tell them, “Eventually.” Sometimes less is more. But, unfortunately, I still put my foot in my mouth. I’m very cool and collected about it up until someone asks then I just freak out.
Honestly, a huge part of successful waiting is learning to recognize the source of your negative emotions and working to keep yourself from projecting (ie, mistaking work stress for waiting stress). Stress management, keeping busy, taking time for yourself and learning to answer the inevitable “so when is it gonna be your turn” questions.
Good luck! 🙂