(Closed) new to WB Board — my story

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
251 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

While I don’t think you should wait around for years on him to make up his mind I don’t think you should give up hope. I was in the opposite position where my bf told me early on he knew he was going to marry me. I was a little shocked that he 1) knew already and 2) was brave enough to tell me. I told him as nicely as I could that I was just not there yet and to give me some time. We dated for two more years and he moved to the city I was living in and we got engaged and are now married. Sometimes two people are not ready at the exact same time and it’s ok as long as you both are moving in the same direction, maybe just not at the same speed. Good luck πŸ™‚

Post # 4
Member
3587 posts
Sugar bee

Hi and welcome to the ‘bee!

Post # 6
Member
1739 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

@msnelson13:

I’m beginning to think that most guys don’t really understand the pressures of society, age and simply being female that make not being “picked” so hurtful.  It’s kida like most guys measure success at being a guy by how good ther job, house, car…etc. are.  They feel that their self-worth is based on how successful they are with making money and doing well at some task, and that even if they are not Brad Pitt in the looks depaertment, most guys who do more than drink Mountain Dew and live in Mom’s basement (like Brody in Mallrats) will find a girl intersted in them.

Women, on the other hand measure success on themselves – how they look, how much they are liked/loved.  A man isn’t really choosing a woman based on her house or her career – he’s choose HER herself.  All her “attractions” are kinda self-based – is she caring, nice, has “mother-potential”, responsible, all in addition to being considered attractive.  en aren’t subject too much to the diffrence on treatment of a married woman (regardless of the overall length of the relationship) and a “single” woman (regardless of the overall length of any relationship).  Once a ring is on that hand, the world suddenly seems to treat the new Mrs. as being more worthy of respect than the unmarried woman.  Men don’t get this treatment, to my knowledge, or it’s not a cut-and-dry for them.  

So, when a guy doesn’t tell a woman she’s “the one” by getting down on one knee and later proclaiming it to God and family in time-honored tradition – it’s a severe blow to a woman’s self esteem.  We feel it’s not that he’s rejecting marraige as an abstract, ceremonies, pricey jewelry and haning onto his youth, possibly past the “accepted” timeframe- we feel he’s rejecting US, as a person worth lovng and having for the rest of his life. Also, men don’t ahve to biological worries that woemn do when it comes to the timeframe for safe child bearing.

Sorry for rambling, but I know you’re feeling bad, and wanted to tell you that it’s most likey that your Boyfriend or Best Friend loves you dearly, but he’s a guy, and in our current culture marriage is treated as “Game Over” for men, and something woemn only crave so they can gain some sort of twisted control.  Men are kinda being taught that women only want marriage so they can let themselves go, spend all his money and tell him to mow the lawn instead of wathcin ghe big game.  Not true, but is he’s in his early 30’s, he’s been exposed more and more to these ideas.

Here is a good post by Mr. Coffee that might help you with a guy’s perspective and some tips:

http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/mr-bees-three-step-plan-and-backup-plan-for-getting-engaged

Post # 8
Member
1088 posts
Bumble bee

Hello and welcome to the bee!  I’m really sorry you’re having a bad day.  πŸ™

Sometimes I don’t understand why guys are so silly.  I understand that for a number of men, financial stability is HUGE when it comes to marriage and having a family.  That’s great but this is the new millenium, and we are willing and able to contribute to (and in some cases even provide) that financial stability. 

He can be married or even have children and change his career path.  Yes, I believe most people reach a point in their lives where they are ready to get married, and some times are of course better than others.  However, if we wait til the “perfect” time in our lives to get married, that time will probably never come.  Being married is about building your lives together.

Don’t you wish you could could explain how you feel about this in a math context so maybe he’ll understand?  You can tell him you guys are the perfect equation.  You + Him can = infinity (if he marries you), but your ovaries have a finite number of eggs that you would prefer to use in the next part of the “life” equation. . .this is a multi-step process that requires addition (you + him) and then multiplication (kids). . .you will later divide responsibilities (work, childcare, household tasks) to solve the rest.  Should he choose not to love you for infinity, he’ll be left 2(meaning you & him)-1(meaning you)=1 (him alone). . .

Ok. . .I realize I’m being a bit dramatic here.  I’m sorry you’re feeling like you’re between a rock and a hard place, but after 4 years, especially being in your early 30s, you have a lot invested in your relationship and have every right to know what he’s thinking in terms of marriage.

I’m honestly not sure how I feel about ultimatums, but I think I’d feel compelled to give him one if I were in your shoes.  Just be sure you stick to it if you do! 

Post # 9
Member
260 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2011 - The Providence Biltmore

Welcome to the bee!

Post # 10
Member
1296 posts
Bumble bee

I would first like to say welcome to the bee.  If your feel like his wasting your time then I say move on.  I mean I know it’s easier said than done but do you want to keep waiting around hoping he’ll come around soon?  I would be concerned if my SO couldn’t tell me why he didn’t want to be with me.  I would think that at his age he would know what he wanted from a woman and why he wants to marry you.  You have a goal to have kids before  you forty and get married and sometimes you have to make tough decisions to make that happen.  I don’t like the fact that your unhappy in the relationship you should be happy.  I hope that he can give you a better answer when your reach your four year but if he can’t and you feel that you need to leave then do so.  You deserve to be happy again and be in a realtionship where a guy can one tell you why he loves you and wants to marry you.  I wish you all the best.

Post # 12
Member
445 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I say you give him an equation to solve to get his hint..if and only if statements, some quadratic equation too perhaps? Sorry, i’m also a math geek…we’re sometimes very narrow minded..If he’s worth it, just keep letting him know.  Perhaps talk to him when you’re out on a romantic dinner date or when he is in a relaxed state.  Best of luck!

Post # 13
Member
226 posts
Helper bee

Welcome! If your having a bad day we are the one who feel you and know where your coming from so don’t appologise! Smile

Post # 14
Member
1088 posts
Bumble bee

@msnelson13:  Lol.  I’m glad you found it funny.  πŸ™‚ 

Maybe in January you could tell him that the light for him to propose is green, but if he doesn’t step on it soon, his car will inevitably run out of gas at the starting line, and you sure as heck aren’t going to be helping him push the car to the pit.  You’re going to switch teams and be the co-pilot for some other guy who’s not afraid to move when they’ve got the green light!

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