(Closed) Newbee intro + difficult question.

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
4062 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I have been in a very similar situation for most of my life – my parents divorced when I was 2, dad was never part of my life. I got one visit when I was 5 and I haven’t seen him since. He’d send a card or email when he felt like it/remembered. Called once when I was 18 (on Christmas) all regretful that he wasn’t in my life and wanted a relationship and to come see me at college; I said that would be great and we’d figure it out. I didn’t here from him again for more than 15 years.

The only thing you can do is accept him as what he is – he’s not going to change. he’s going to talk a good game, and then sometimes flake out. Be happy when he shows up, but don’t count on it. Don’t plan on him and, this is the hard part, don’t be disappointed when he bails on you. I know that’s hard, but don’t take it personally; it really doens’t have anything to do with you or the person you are.

As for the wedding, plan to have mom walk you down the aisle. If dad shows, and mom is ok with it, include him if that’s what you want. If it’s too much stress, plan to include him some other way – reading, toast, etc.

It sucks, hugs, but he is who he is. Only you can figure out how best for YOU to handle him.

Post # 4
Member
633 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I would give him another chance, but not too many after that, if he backs out again. I haven’t seen my Mother since I was 15. My parents divorced when I was 3 and we saw her every other weekend til I was about 11, then she stopped coming around as often. She always promised we’d do something and then never followed through. I made the decision that I can’t waste more tears and stress over her. She has tried to friend me on FB, but I denied her. I may have considered it if she had messaged me or tried to contact me in other ways (she knows how to find us), but just requesting me on FB was the nail in the coffin on that.

So yeah, you JUST got back in touch with him, so I understand why you are upset, and you have every right to be, but I’d talk to him again and try to build the relationship, as long as he keeps up his end!

Post # 5
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I’d give him another chance if that is what you want (which it seems you do)…but honestly, I would not allow him to walk me down the aisle and give me away. Because what if he does drop out of your life again? Not to be negative but I have a close friend who had this happen, and now it makes the wedding photos from her walking down the aisle a bit painful for her to look back at. If he has never been involved in your life I really don’t think he has any business walking you down the aisle since he basically had no part in shaping the adult you’ve become. You can attempt to have a relationship with him, but right now he has all the power, and for your own wellbeing I think you need to take some of that back – this relationship, for right now, needs to be on your terms and what you’re comfortable with. And I would also call him up and tell him that you’re hurt he’s cancelling, and that he had to do it through your mom rather than you.

Post # 6
Member
3697 posts
Sugar bee

Even though the whole “giving the bride away” symbolism is no longer relevant, a more modern take on it is that the people who have walked with you through your life up to this point are the ones who accompany you as you walk toward your new life with your husband.

Your father, through everything he has and has not done for twenty-six years, has never really walked with you through your life. So, it’s kind of presumptuous and artificial for him to walk with you down the aisle. It is probably easiest and best all around if you plan on not having him take that particular role. That way, as a PP has said, if he ends up bailing on the wedding, it won’t taint that part of it the way it otherwise would have. And you will walk with the person who HAS always been there for you through your life up to then, your mom.

My $0.02, anyway. I hope you and your parents are able to work this out in a way that is satisfactory for everyone.

Post # 7
Member
4945 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@KCKnd2:  Your father, through everything he has and has not done for twenty-six years, has never really walked with you through your life. So, it’s kind of presumptuous and artificial for him to walk with you down the aisle. It is probably easiest and best all around if you plan on not having him take that particular role. That way, as a PP has said, if he ends up bailing on the wedding, it won’t taint that part of it the way it otherwise would have. And you will walk with the person who HAS always been there for you through your life up to then, your mom.

I’d probably do this if I was in the situation. He could still come as a guest, and if you want a relationship with him, you can still do so. I’m sorry he’s disappointed you so many times in the past. ((hugs))

Post # 9
Member
687 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Glad you’re feeling a little better! I’m sorry I don’t really have any advice for you since I’m not in your situation but if things don’t work out with him being involved in the wedding (hoping this isn’t the case) my best friend does not have a relationship with her dad and at her wedding her mom walked her down the isle and instead of the father/daughter dance, she slow danced with her mom and it was the most amazing and touching thing πŸ™‚

Post # 10
Member
1649 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@mousebride:  I’m sorry about your dad. You sound incredibly lucky to have such a supportive mom and grandpa though!

To be honest, I probably wouldn’t want my dad walking me down the aisle if he had acted like your dad has. If he wasn’t there for me the first 20+ years, then he has no right to give me away on my wedding day. However, you seem to have a good attitude towards the situation. And you’re right; if he doesn’t show up then it’s his loss not your’s. You’ll still have your mom, grandpa, and a loving husband. . . and he will have his controlling and jealous girlfriend.

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