Post # 1
Hello! This is actually my very first post in a forum…probably ever. But I’ve been reading over some posts and I’m truly just shocked that such a forum exists. I’m waiting for my SO to propose and it is eating away at me– who knew there were others going through the same thing AND talking about it?
My SO and I have been together for 2 1/2 years. I’m 22 and he’s 27. His sister (25) is getting married this summer, so obviously his entire family is in a tizzy, consumed by her wedding. As rightly they should be! It’s her big day and she could not be more excited. Unfortunately, I wish I had a little more excitement to throw her way. I feel like an awful not-quite-sister-in-law as I watch every dream of hers come true while I’m still waiting to START the waiting. You see, my SO and I are both strong Christians who have agreed to remain abstinent until marriage. We don’t live together, and it has started killing me everytime I have to walk into my door by myself to go to bed. FYI He is in school for physical therapy (change of career) and I am working as a technical writer. We both have a steady income, though they could be better.
Yesterday he told me he was looking at houses, and then we looked at some together and I suggested we start a joint bank account to start saving for the downpayment. At that point he looked incredibly confused and told me our parents would not like that, we’d be making them upset, etc etc. All because we don’t have a “formal” committment yet and his parents wouldn’t feel comfortable with us putting our money in together.
I understand where he was coming from, but I felt incredibly ashamed and stupid. Like he just pulled the rug out from under me! One minute we’re looking at houses together like an actual engaged couple and the next I feel like I’m getting slapped in the face over not having a “formal” committment. He apologized for the way he said it but I don’t think he realizes how hard it is for me to separate my situation. Guys can compartmentalize. For him, he struggles but then he knows he has a plan. I’m left completely in the dark. Knowing that I have anxiety, my SO has let me in on the month he plans to propose: April. But April feels so far away as everyday it gets harder and harder not to let myself slip into melancholy. I can’t even let myself think about wedding stuff or I get unbelievably upset. After all, I don’t have a ring– I feel stupid planning. Then again, I can’t get away from wedding stuff with his sister’s impending matrimony.
How do I cope with the waiting? How do I cope with the jealousy? I am starting to not be myself anymore, and I can feel it putting a strain on myself and our relationship. Any words of encouragement would be so profoundly helpful. Thank you just for reading 🙂
Post # 3
I think your boyfriend is smart man to want to keep finances separate until the formal commitment. I know, it sounds a bit harsh coming from him but he is just thinking about a future with you. (In my relationship, I was the one who refused to combine finances. My bf wanted to help me with my new car but I refused.) April is going to fly by for you so don’t worry about it. And, all weddings are different so what his sister might want isn’t what you would want so don’t compare. You can plan your wedding to your heart’s content.
Post # 4
I understand the hurt and pain,…. but you have a date!! Take a few minutes to read around this site and you will see people who have no set timeline (myself included!).
This is so good! You have a date! Even if he doesn’t propose until the last day in April, that’s only 103 days! It gives you time to do anything you want before the engagement, grow your hair, lose some weight, read that book you’ve been meaning to for ages, etc, etc. Honestly, just try and enjoy these last few months of the beginning of your life together 🙂
Post # 5
Also, just because you don’t want to start formally planning a wedding without a ring doesn’t mean you can’t dream about it! Are you on Pinterest? If not, one of us can get you an invite, and you can pull together ideas/inspiration and dream big without feeling like you’re being silly! All you have to do is hang tight until April! That’s so close! Hang in there 🙂
Post # 6
It feels so good to hear you all say those things. Thank you for your words 🙂 I just had been feeling really alone. And I know my SO and I are both working in our own way towards our marriage, but I had lost hope there for awhile in myself. I think I will take your suggestion and do something for myself in these next couple months to take my mind off things and make myself a happier person. I know I need to love myself before I can truly love someone else in a relationship, and that’s the point I’m slacking on now.
And yes!! I am on pinterest!! And I am almost always checking the Wedding category 🙂 Somedays it’s a good thing, somedays it just makes it harder, but I need to work on making it more of a good thing and thinking of the positive, not just the negatives. I am always looking at the glass half emtpy, and my SO is the complete opposite. It’s great for us as a couple but I don’t want to keep dragging him down with this issue so I’m trying to go at it by myself. If only I could borrow some of his perspective more often!
Post # 7
I think you should embrace the fact that you know WHEN your SO is going to propose and not dwell in what you don’t currently have.
I wish I knew when my then SO was going to propose- it would have made waiting easier because I KNEW for a FACT he was going to do it.
Post # 8
The good news is, 3 months isn’t a very long time. I’m glad you are trying to be happy for his sister, after all, you will want others to be happy for you when the time comes. It’s an emotional time, but soon all your patience will pay off.
Hang in there Miss!
Post # 9
I can relate to this post so much! I am also a Christian and abstaining until marriage, and also really struggling with the melancholy and jealous feelings. Some people on the waiting board (and I mean no offense to any of you, I’m just in a different situation) say things like “just enjoy your relationship” or imply that marriage doesn’t really change much. But it is a lot more difficult to be infinitely patient when you can’t live together and need to hold back on physical affection. And in my case, are in a long distance relationship and don’t even know when you’ll be back in the same city.
After almost 5 years in this relationship, and with about 6 friends getting engaged in recent months- all of whom have been with their fiance’s less time- some days I feel like I am going to go crazy before he proposes! And my only timeline is that it will be around the time we move to the same city, which is totally dependent on his job search. So I can really relate to your feelings of anxiety and the strain in the relationship. I struggle with it almost every day. But you have a very concrete and near-term timeline at this point, so hang in there! You aren’t completely in the dark! I wish I had better answers about how to deal with the painful feelings in the meantime, but so far I haven’t found anything that works. Feel free to message me if you want to discuss this further. 🙂
Post # 10
I completely understand where you are coming from. My fiancee and I also are abstaining until marriage and do not live together. When I was “waiting” it was tough. I also struggled with some jelous feelings and sadness because it’s like you said he has the control and knows when not you. Nothing I can say will truly make you feel better other than I feel for you and a virtual hug! (Total side note, it seems to happen when you least expect it, we got engaged 2.5 weeks ago and even though I knew he had the ring it was a complete surprise).