(Closed) newbie here needs advice

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
2891 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

First I want to say how sorry I am. I can’t even imagine how you must be feeling right now. I can’t tell you the right way to handle it only how I would handle it. I would just start acting different around him. This wouldn’t be contrived it is just how I am. I would become very withdrawn and quiet and he would have to work real hard to get me to open up and tell him what is wrong. I would eventually “confess” and we would then be forced to deal with the issue. I doubt at that point that he would be upset just relieved to get me to open up. (But see I am imagining me and Froggy so I know how this would play out.) Honestly with your SO’s history and those emails it would be a long time before I accepted a proposal if ever. But that is my reaction what do you want to do?

Post # 4
Member
3166 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

the issue here is trust. you don’t trust him. if in your gut you always feel something is going on, then you’re either right or you two need to work on your trust issues. he’s cheated on exes but what about you? were they serious relationships? the same coworkers? i think there are times when this might be a legitimate concern and times when it may be overblown but you know the specifics and must decide yourself. i’d be up front with him, apologize but say that you guys have trust issues in this department and the conversations he engages make you feel violated. if you get engaged, i would highly recommend pre-marital counselling. good luck!

Post # 5
Member
1506 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

It sounds as though you’re not being honest with yourself. You were never over his past cheating so you snooped through the computer and found some suspicious conversations. That doesn’t excuse his actions, but you need to accept the fact that you have trust issues with him and talk to him about what you found and how it makes you feel. If you don’t feel comfortable enough to communicate with him when you’re uncomfortable you’ll only end up harboring resentment and your relationship will suffer.

Post # 7
Member
963 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com is the best resource for cheating spouses/significant others.  Go there and read read read.  I hope it helps you to figure this situation out.  It has helped me tremendously.

Of COURSE you have trust issues with him – why wouldn’t you?  He’s cheated on you…multiple times.  He should be doing everything he can to make you feel safe.  He’s not.  You should be able to “snoop” whenever you want – that’s the only way to gain back the trust.  You snooped and you found something.  THAT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!  There is something broken in him that he isn’t working on – he isn’t changing.  And he won’t change unless he starts to put in some hard work.

Post # 9
Member
415 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I’m surprised that he’d be mad at you for reading his emails.  Of course you’re going to read them given his history!  It sounds like that might be a bit of defensiveness – if he’s not writing anything bad, then who cares if you read them?  Not to mention that he left it open!  I was in a similar situation years ago, and I chose not to let him know what I read, but to act like I found out another way (actually I acted like I could just tell, so he’d think I had special powers and couldn’t get away with anything in the future, lol).  That way I could still snoop without him knowing I was doing it, and opening another account that I didn’t have access to.  But if you want to take a healthy route, just talking to him about it might be a good option.  Good luck, and I hope a little flirtation is all it was!

Post # 10
Member
92 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

@apprehensiveamy:

My heart goes out to you and I can only imagine the confusion your heart feels at the moment. This issue seems very multifaceted. Though there is nothing you can do to change what he has done in the past, as the woman who may become his wife and may desire to be his wife, you’re going to have to tackle this (head) heart on. Before you make the forever commitment, you’ve got to know that you trust him, not an 85% trust, but a complete trust. Also, communication is key. Picking the right words, time, mood, and tone always helps. Maybe avoiding ‘you’ statements. (Example: I was hurt and a bit apprehensive about the situation, instead of You hurt me and I’m apprehensive about your cheating scandals.)

Also, if you two do decide to stick it through, whether or not this issue is resolved, premarital counseling is a healthy decision you can do for your relationship/marriage.

Post # 11
Member
384 posts
Helper bee

I am so sorry this is happening to you.  HUGS and positive vibes coming your way.  If this has happened in the past and it’s happening again, I would like to go on record and strongly advise you do bring it up to him and consider leaving the relationship.  I am so sorry to say that.  I speak from experience.  My ex-husband did this type of emotional cheating once.  I forgave after lots of counseling together and him begging to keep his marriage.  Then, it happened again and a third time. 

More than likely that’s what happens. 

You deserve someone 100% devoted to you. 

Post # 12
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

I think you should bring it to his attention what you ‘accidentally’ saw on his computer. Tell him you didn’t mean to snoop, but you noticed a conversation that seemed a little flirty and made you uncomfortable. His reaction will tell you what’s going on – if he gets defensive and angry at you then I’m sorry but he’s probably at least being inappropriate with her.

The two of you need to sit down and talk about what is appropriate/inappropriate conduct with the opposite sex in order to build trust. You obviously don’t wnat to have to check up on each other all the time, so if you can agree on this that might help things.

ETA: If he understands how it makes you feel when he does this, I think that will help him ‘get it’ and avoid being in those situations in the first place.

Post # 13
Member
92 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

@prshadow:

You said it right: emotional cheating.

Post # 15
Member
92 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

@apprehensiveamy:

If you ever need someone to hear you out, you’re welcome to buzz me, little bee. It’s nice to support one another.

Post # 16
Member
384 posts
Helper bee

Meeting her is a good thing – you can scope out the “situation” and see what your gut tells you.  Follow your intuition.  It’s your best tool, believe me.  Had I listened to mine I may not be in the situation I’m in at the moment.

Good luck – I hope you get everything you desire.  What’s best for you is what you should get.  You deserve someone that you can trust 100%.   When trust is gone, there is nothing.  No amount of crazy, wild love can cure distrust.  none.  No amount of longevity can make it “right” for someone to emotionally cheat. 

Cheating is cheating and that doesn’t always equal sex.  But, by the same token, it’s natural to have a little crush and even feel a tingle sometimes….it’s whether or not you act on it.  It all depends on how emotionally close they have become.  For example, is he talking to her about really personally intense things that he hasn’t shared with you?  And perhaps even more important… has he had conversations with her where he would not want you to be in the room listening? 

Those are things to ponder.  I don’t mean to sound as if I’m saying “no way – walk away from him now” – I just happen to have a lot of experience with this.  This is how my 14 year marriage ended.  Just like Mrs. Kitty said, send me  a PM if you need to talk.  I hate to see anyone go through what I went through.

It’s not fun. 

I’m with someone now (3 years) and I trust him as far as other women BUT he’s got marriage commitment issues (hence why I’m on the boards).

Geeez – it’s always something isn’t it?

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