(Closed) Newbie looking for advice – should I break it off?

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
9654 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

You should come first, you are going to be her wife, her family. You will be spending your lives together. She should stand up to her parents. Sit down with her and tell her everything you said here. That you feel she puts her parents first over you, that she isn’t comfortable in the relationship I enough to stand up to her parents. Ask her if she is 100% sure she wants this marriage. You should not be made to feel like this, I am so sorry! I wouldn’t just end things before sitting down with her to discuss the issues, but if marriage isn’t what she wants (not what her parents think) then it is better to learn that now and cut your losses before you spend years and years in a marriage.

Post # 5
Member
1586 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Yikes, that’s rough.

Don’t call it off. This is a delicate situation that I suspect few people on here can truly understand (FYI, there is a GLBT board that might be able to help better).

I say go through with it if she wants it too. Do it without her parents’ help. It sucks that they only semi-support her, but at least they didn’t cut her off. Hope they’ll show, but beyond that, do not put any obligation on the parents. They may be trying but they don’t get it.

 

Post # 6
Member
9654 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

@rebeccauk:  you’re welcome, communication is key 🙂 and your feelings are just as valid as hers and more valid than her parents

Post # 7
Member
4495 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Jacqui90:  +1. This.

 

I’ve seen family come in between relationships so many times, and if the person can’t defend their spouse and stand up to their family its usually a bad sign. Once you’re married her family isn’t likely to change their attitude toward your relationship and it’ll probably be a situation you end up dealing with indefinitely. I would definitely talk to your fiance about your feelings and your apprehension. I wouldn’t just call it off, but if she realizes the gravity of everything and how truly worried/hurt you are then that might give her the courage she needs to address the issue.

Post # 8
Member
64 posts
Worker bee

The first thing I want to do it give you a big hug! You deserve it.

I somewhat understand the situation you are in; neither of my grandparents liked my parents prospective (and eventual) partners. As a child growing up in that kind of toxic environment, I can tell you one thing: If your wife-to-be has your back, nothing matters. Mum and dad were always a unit. And if my grandparents didnt like it, then they were told to shove it.

And I didn’t lose out. While my maternal grandparents decided to sacrifice a life with their grandchildren, I had 12 wonderful years with my paternal grandparents (who both unfortunately passed away within a year of each other). 

I would suggest talking openly and honestly to your partner. Try to make her understand how you feel. It is going to be hard, especially is family is so important to her. But you clearly love her very much. Anything as special as what you have is worth fighting for. 

And don’t worry about your future children. Kids are very resilient – blood may be thicker than water, but it isnt more important than love. 

Post # 10
Member
522 posts
Busy bee

@Jacqui90:  +1,000

My brother is gay. He came out in college and eventually met his now partner a few years later. Something I can tell you is that it is so so so so so so important for your partner to not be embarassed to admit that, yes, she’s a woman who is in love with another woman. If she cannot do that (and it sounds to some degree like that is the issue) you are going to be relegated to a lot of awful moments in the future.

It sounds like she is definitely still buying into her parents beliefs. You don’t deserve that. You deserve a woman who wants to brag to the high heavens about the amazing catch she has!

I definitely agree you need to sit down and talk to her.

One thing that I have to say, my mother was not thrilled with my SO, he is not the type of man she wanted for a Future Sister-In-Law. However, she also knows that every single time I’m going to have that man’s back. I am veryyyy passive. I hate causing problems and usually let a lot of her craziness go without comment. But you better believe I will get in her face if she has any issues with him.

I completely understand wanting to keep your parents happy but there are a few topics that you should never back down on and a committed, consensual loving relationship with the partner of your choosing is one of them!

Huge hugs!! Keep us updated. Either way I know you will find happiness. Either she steps up and becomes the partner you deserve or you will find a woman who will!

Post # 11
Member
9142 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

Talk to her, tell her how you feel about the situation.  Obviously, she isn’t comfortable with her family’s inability to accept her for who she is.  She needs to figure out how to deal with her family while standing up for herself and your relationship.  If she is unable to do that, then it might be a good idea to step back from planning the wedding.  If she doesn’t love her herself for who she is, she can’t fully love you either.

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