(Closed) newbie..patience is wearing thin

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
42 posts
Newbee

Maybe you could sit him down and talk to him (without getting angry).  If he is really into financial planning and stuff like that make a slide show for him.  Show him that it is possible to have a wedding on a budget (if that’s something you think you could realistically do) and explain to him why you want it so bad.  Instead of getting mad and angry show him how upset and hurt you are…  maybe cry a bit too for effect…  Haha.  I don’t know your SO so only you will know if that would work or not…  It sounds like you have been more so making little jokes here and there with the wedding thing (i.e. sending him links to rings online)… I think it would help if you seriously sat him down with something written out or some kind of presentation planned so that he realizes you’re completely serious.  Again I don’t know him so I’m not sure if this is something that would work… Hope this helps!  🙂

Post # 4
Member
22 posts
Newbee

I know how you feel. I have been with my SO for 7 years, and he gives the excuse of finances as the No. 1 reason why we can’t marry right now (he also has student loan debt he is trying to pay off). It would be easy for me to agree with your friends and tell you to move out, but I know how difficult it is to give up on a long term relationship that you have put so much into. I also have break downs when we are in the car laone, haha! Has your SO given you ANY kind of time line on when he thinks he WILL be ready??

Post # 6
Member
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

My boyfriend is very similarly-minded– very fiscally responsible and money-minded. He then confessed to me this winter that he didn’t want to wait much longer for us to get engaged, even though we don’t have much money. When I asked him why, he said the cutest thing. He talked about a recent production of “A Christmas Carol” we’d seen at a local theatre, and there’s a scene in which Scrooge is seeing his past self having “the when-are-we-getting-engaged” talk with his love, and he keeps putting it off for money’s sake. My SO said that it suddenly dawned on him that that was a huge mistake– the place that Scrooge’s life took a turn for the worst. It’s important to cherish what you have, and take steps to keep it– EVEN IF you aren’t in the “perfect” financial place.

Post # 7
Member
1013 posts
Bumble bee

I think you have every right to sit down and discuss this.  I would think that you defintiely it.  Can you just elope? Would he be happy with taking the weight of paying for a marriage off his shoulders? Because given your age and how long you have been together, he should have his shit together by now and stop making excuses. 

Post # 8
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee

How do you feel about eloping?? Do you feel like you want/need a wedding? Because it seems like you are going through the motions already–all you need is the official piece of paper and the ring. If finances are the only problem he has, maybe eloping would be a stress-free solution for both of you??

Post # 9
Member
1406 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Darling Husband and I weren’t together long before he proposed but he’s very very content managing the finances….even if I’m an accountant.  He dated girls in the past that had NO idea how to manage money and b/c of listening to his stupid friends, he thinks MOST women are only after money.

I think you need to talk to him.  If you leave w/o doing it, you’ll never know.  I never understood men who are willing to “create” a life with a woman and then not consider marriage.  It sounds to me though that you are fed up and I would be too.  I hope he at least listens to HOW it makes you feel and explains his reasoning w/o giving empty promises.

Post # 11
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee

It’s a tough situation. To me, it sounds like he has so much wearing on him that he can’t fathom putting anymore on his plate. I don’t think he even has time to realize how unfair it is to you because of the weight of the other things he has going on. I don’t agree with your friends that you should just move out of the house–he has enough on his plate, and I feel like this would be just another shot in the gut for him. If you’ve put 8 years into this relationship, stood by him for every trial and tribulation, then you both deserve to try to see it through. The tough part is how to do that. I don’t know if your guy is into talking things through, but maybe you could sit him down and tell him you know he has A LOT on his plate, you see how it is wearing him thin, and you want to know if there’s anything you can do to take some of that burden off of his shoulders. 

It’s hard to give you the best advice without knowing all of your situation…but let me know if you can see where I’m coming from.

Post # 13
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee

It souns as if it is as I suspected–he just has too much weighing him down to give marriage any real thought. So unfair to him, and you. i’m sure if he could change that he would in an instant. Let me say this…there ARE guys out there like him–and I know one personally. My sister married “C” after being together for 4 years–they had everything they ever wanted. She was 29, he was 33. At 35, she had her first child. Life was great. Then BOOM! “C’s” father, who was very involved in their lives (He and “C” owned a pop and son business together and he was the one that got them their home loan/business loan since he was a veteran loan officer at a bank) just up and disappeared. By disappeared, I mean he left for work one morning, took all the money he could out of the business, forged some fake document that left my sister $25,000 in debt and “C” filing for bankruptcy, and left his wife nothing in their bank accounts. His passport was flagged but it was too late…he fled the country. NO ONE knows why. It was such a blow to “C” that he never recovered. My sister and he divorced 2 years later. He just couldn’t give any of himself to her anymore. He was out of a job, filing for bankruptcy, trying to take care of his mother, etc. He got depressed and never came out of it. She stuck by him for 2 years before she realized enough was enough. She is having to file bankruptcy herself because of what his father did to them and what the subsequent divorce has left her with. 

I know this isn’t exactly what has happened in your case, but at some point, you’re right–something has got to give. He has to live for himself and be happy!! I just hope you two figure out how to make that happen.

Post # 14
Member
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

What pp said. If it’s that you want to be married then tell him you would like to get the family together and do it. If it’s the wedding you want well it sounds to me like he’s in overload and that would be piling more on. If you just want to be married remind him you would like a family with him someday but not soon and you would like to be married. Honestly it’s not popular to say here but the wedding is way to much to do for one day and I doubt he can handle it all. it’s up to you to decide how long you want to wait but if it was me I would skip a wedding it takes two years to plan and jump right to the marriage.

Post # 17
Member
162 posts
Blushing bee

I’m sorry to hear that your relationship didn’t work out. It sounds like he had no intention of marrying you and just wanted to continue your comfortable live-in relationship for as long as you’d allow it. Now you’re free to find someone who truly loves you and wants you to be his wife.

He said you left him alone to deal with his dad, so I’m assuming that you were taking on part of the burden of care? Maybe that’s one of the reasons why he wanted you to stay even though he didn’t want to marry you? Because you were an unpaid carer for his dad?

I find it very odd that after four years together he bought a house on his own, instead of with you. I’d have seen that as a huge red flag for lack of commitment. Also he kept his finances secret from you even though you’d been together for eight years! (probably because he didn’t want you to realise he was lying when he claimed that you couldn’t marry for financial reasons) And when you left he didn’t beg you to stay because he loves you – he begged you to stay because he needs help caring for his dad.

From the sound of it, leaving was the best thing you could do. I wish you luck with adjusting and moving on with your life Laughing

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