Post # 1
My fiancé and I both have large families. Because of the size of our wedding and the number of family members and friends that have children we made a hard rule that children are not invited. We realize that this is inconvenient for some of our guests, especially those who have to travel. However, we hoped that if no children were invited, no parents would be offended.
A few months ago a pregnant friend asked if she could bring her baby, her son will be 6 weeks old at the date of our wedding. I told her at the time that we weren’t having children at our wedding and that I was tentative to say yes because we had family and friends that would not be bringing their children, and that we didn’t want to allow some and not others. I told her that I understood the baby would be an infant, but if there were other arrangements she could make she should do it. She said she could leave the baby with family. We received the RSVP from the couple as yes, no mention of the baby. Today I found out that the couple plan on bringing the baby. I thought I had made myself clear, but now I worry I wasn’t blunt enough. My fiancé has strong opinions that we should tell them the baby can’t come even if it means they have to cancel their plans to come to the wedding. (Full disclosure she will be traveling out of state to attend the wedding.)
I’m not concerned about the baby making noise or anything like that. I do believe that my friend and her husband will be overwhelmed with travelling with a 6 week old and that they will spend most of the wedding caring for the child; but that’s their choice and that too is not my concern. Frankly, I am flattered that they are willing to put in the extra effort to be there for my big day! What I am worried about is what the other parents who have children under a year old will think. We have two sets of parents with babies (9 months and 5 months) who are also traveling and are hiring babysitters to be at the hotel because we told them children were not allowed.
Do I tell my friend with the 6 week old that she cannot bring her son?
Do I recommend a babysitter for her to use and hope that 1. She is comfortable with a babysitter and 2. Takes the hint?
Is it fair to allow a 6 week old and not the 9 month and 5 month old?
Should I feel obligated to allow the other babies (under a year old)?
Should I just let it go and let things play out as they are, pretend to others that I didnt know she was brining the baby?
The wedding is 5 weeks away, if something is said it should be now. Please offer some advice, Thank you in advance!
This topic was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by .
Post # 2
Hmm that’s a toughie. I have 7 month old twins and honestly, it’s a reality that having babies means missing out on stuff. I know some people will say that breastfeeding babies have to be included but even as a breastfeeding mom I disagree, nobody owes me any concessions and if I can’t attend an event because I have parental responsibilities that’s ok, I’m a parent first. But as far as what you should do, it’s awkward since you already informed them that baby wasn’t invited and now they intend to bring baby anyway. I guess it would depend how I found out. If I heard it second-hand I’d probably casually mention something like “I’m so glad you can make it to the wedding, have you locked down a sitter for baby yet?” and then see what happens. If you were told by the couple directly, yikes I don’t know, as one who hates conflict I’d probably cave.
Post # 3
A baby that young should be with the mother. It is still breastfeeding very frequently. I’m sure the other parents will understand. They have been there too
Post # 4
Yes, it is YOUR wedding. But it is not reasonable for you to expect a mother traveling from out of state to leave her 6 week old newborn at home to attend your wedding. She will be excusing herself every few hours to pump, regardless of whether her baby is there. Frankly, this seems very selfish and insensitive of you and your Fiance.
For what it’s worth, I don’t plan to have children at my wedding, either. But I would absolutely make an exception for a newborn. Those with older babies will understand.
Post # 5
I certainly don’t want to fight here, but I do think it’s a little unfair to call me selfish and insensitive. I wonder if you missed my point. I do understand the dilemna they’re in. But is it fair to the other parents with children under a year old who respected our wishes – including those with babies who decided not to come. And frankly – should I worry about what those other parents think?
Post # 6
I think you need to ask yourself which scenario you’d prefer – that she comes with the baby or doesn’t come?
in my experience, mothers of older babies would not begrudge a fragile nursing newborn.
Post # 7
- Wedding: June 2016 - Cellar 222
Eh, as soon as I read your post I knew at least one person in the comment section would be calling you selfish. Don’t get too upset about it; it’s totally predictable that when someone expresses that a newborn is going to be an inconvience everyone gets their hackles up. You’re not being selfish…the fact that you’re worried about what to do tells us that you are being thoughtful about the situation.
I do think that a newborn is different from say, a one year old who can reasonably stay with a sitter for a few days but if you don’t want to have him there I would understand 100%. In that case, you may have to accept that your friend won’t be able to come or will have to attend portions of the day/ night in shifts. Rough situation for you, sorry. :/
Post # 8
The parents of the older babies will understand – they’ve had newborns themselves. A newborn is totally different to an older baby.
Post # 9
I think a 6 week old is different to a 5 month if it’s BF. It can take a couple of months to establish BF and in my area expressing is not recommend for the first few months so yes there is a huge difference between 6 weeks and 6 months.
I do however think it’s rude if they know you don’t want the baby there just to turn up with it. ask straight out if they have a babysitter lined up or do they need advice on childcare in the area. I would say that there are two other babies who’s parents have good babysitters and offer their contact details.
I don’t see how the other guests will be annoyed as you’ve treated them all the same but one set have ignored your wishes.
you do need to decide what to do if they reply that they are bringing the baby along. Have they booked flights? Is it worth falling out over?
Personlly i would let them know I’m surprised they went against my wishes but let them bring baby.
Post # 10
- Wedding: May 2016 - Sussex, UK
You are not being selfish at all. I just posted about something similar. I mean do we have a cut off age? Is 6 weeks ok but 12 weeks not? It’s difficult not to offend people and yes it is your wedding so your choice but who wants to offend their family and friends? You are being thoughtful. I personally think other guests should be OK as they’ve been there and 6 weeks is very young to leave with a sitter.
Post # 11
As others said. There is a massive difference between a baby who is 7mnths and a 6 weeks old. 6 weeks is very a brand newborn. Even if you take EBF out of the equation, because she will still be establishimg at that point. The baby is still veto very young.
Let the baby come
as for other people with young children who are leaving them for the wedding. Most people in that position will realias that there 7mnth d is vastly different to a newborn and so can not be compared.
Taking it wider a lot of people even when they know it is no children assume that doesn’t count a baby in arms that is stuck to a boob the whole night. The situations between having a newborn and just having a baby even one under 1 are very different
Post # 12
I think it’d be best to talk to your friend about it, ask if she’s getting a sitter, and if she hasn’t arranged one you could offer to help her find one.
But if she can’t find one, or isn’t comfortable leaving the baby, I don’t think it’d be an issue with the other parents. As some other commenters have said, a ninth month old and a five month old are very different than a six week old baby. Newborns need their parents constantly, and many parents aren’t comfortable leaving children under two months with other people. The other parents should understand.
Post # 13
Personally I would only travel out of state with a 6 week old for the wedding of someone I really care about, so I think it shows that she values your friendship. Secondly I would assume that having a childfree wedding doesn’t apply to tiny babies. I cannot imagine leaving a 6 week old with a babysitter.. I just wouldn’t do it. It ‘s up to you but what I would do is tell them you understand they’re bringing the baby and just double check that with them. And then I would call the other two people with children under one and let them know that you’re making an exception for this baby, and that you also want them to feel comfortable at your wedding and if they want to bring their child for a part of the event or if you can make things more comfortable then to let you know. I understand having a childfree wedding but children under one won’t cost you a cent and if it’s just the kids chances are they’ll sleep through most of it.v young children are vulnerable, parents are often not willing to leave them, which I totally understand, and I don’t think this is worth losing friends over. If these people didn’t care about you they wouldn’t be coming – they would just decline. Declining if you have kids is easier after all.
Post # 14
A six week old is very different from a 5 month old, even a 3 month. Definitely a newborn and I think a newborn is a different rule to even a slightly older baby. I would hope most parents would understand.
Post # 15
The baby has to come to the wedding. A 6 week old is way too young to be separated from mom. I would say that almost anyone who is a parent themselves would know that, and won’t be upset that their children weren’t allowed. They are traveling from out of state with a 6 week old for you, that’s saying something. This is not a hill to die on.