(Closed) Newborn at our Wedding

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 16
3716 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: City, State

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lnpboo:  honestly, if I were a mutual friend, I would judge you so much for not allowing a 6 week old to be there. At that age they are totally dependant on their mom. There’s a reason why most daycares don’t take a baby until after that point. 

As for other parents, 5 months and 9 months are totally different. I think you should allow the 5 month old to come, but it’s not as big of a deal.

If you suggested a babysitter I’d never met for my 6 week old, I’d laugh. I’d honestly think you were joking. If I realized you weren’t and the baby wasn’t invited, it would seriously impact our friendship. I wouldn’t come.

I’m sure what happened is your friend talked to other women and they said of course the baby is invited. It’s such a standard thing that I’m sure she thought she misheard you.

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by Pollywog.
Post # 17
2127 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

It’s a newborn. A child of only 6 weeks old shouldn’t be away from his or her mother for long. A 5 month old is very different, and usually a lot more independant already. Invite the 6 week old baby. Don’t invite the older babies.

Post # 18
1221 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

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lnpboo:  Their situation is different and telling them to leave their infant at home while they travel out of state for your event would be quite rude. I don’t think of newborns as “children” as it pertains to child-free weddings. They’re in a different category. I say allow it and be confident about your choice.

Post # 19
3827 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

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lnpboo:  I had no children other than My nieces and nephews at the wedding. However, babies under 1 were welcome. if you are still breastfeeding i can’t blame you for bringing. Or if the babies is still really young. You honestly won’t notice them there and your guests will understand. 

Post # 20
34 posts
  • Wedding: August 2016

Wedding planning is wonderful but at the same time you are spending a lot of time and money on what is meant to be your “perfect” and special day. It can be frustrating when friends and family don’t listen t your wishes. I totally understand! You probably would feel better if she had explained her situation to you. anyway, it like she must care about you if she is willing to travel with a newborn just to attend your event. I am sure it will be fine! Your wedding guests are people who love you, I doubt they will be judging you or your friend at the event. Have a wonderful wedding 🙂

Post # 21
666 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

No, stand your ground and let her know that you previously made it clear that no children are allowed at the wedding. Babies that young have no business being around crowds of people anyway. 

Post # 22
463 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

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lnpboo:  I guess I would just let it be. you told everyone no children. You can’t help if they ignore you. That looks bad on them. To the other parents being upset, if it ever comes up, you can politely reply “we didn’t expect any children at our wedding per our request.”

Post # 23
4225 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2015 - Hotel Ballroom

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lnpboo:  It’s your day. You already told her NO kids. By her not mentioning the baby in her RSVP, that is kind of like her going behind your back. Remind her you already said no. Go ahead and help her find a sitter, but you shouldn’t have to. It’s very unfair to the others that you told “no” to! 

Sorry if this sounda a little grumpy, but these sort of things get me really upset because I have BEEN the uninvited kid to a few functions, and it is always super awkward! Also, my family as a whole has a ‘problem’ with bringing the kids without asking…and I have seen how uncomfortable it makes the host, and how easily the event can be spoiled by an ill-behaived screaming little kid.

Post # 24
553 posts
Busy bee

Just wondering how you found out that they are planning to bring the baby?  It seems rather nervy of her, since you already discussed it with her AND she didn’t even mention it to you.  Um, not like it’s your day or anything, and therefore your decision. 

Post # 25
1304 posts
Bumble bee

Has the couple had the baby yet and is it their first? Maybe they don’t realize how much time/energy a newborn takes aka, they’ll decide not to come.

Is it at all possible that they decided to bring the newborn with them on the trip but they have someone staying in the hotel room to babysit?

I would hope most parents would understand the difference btw a newborn and an older baby but no doubt about it, it puts you in a super awkward place.

Post # 26
1739 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I agree 100% with Pollywog. For you to expect these parents to travel out of town without their 6 week old baby, or to leave their 6 week old baby with a someone else just to attend your wedding is ridiculous. I would (and do) seriously judge you for that. And if I were your friend it would seriously impact, if not end, our friendship. I don’t need, or want, “friends” who are so hung up on their own arbitrary rules that they expect me to leave my newborn just to see them get married.

Post # 27
1832 posts
Buzzing bee

You mentioned that they would be busy throughout the wedding having to take care of this 6 week old.  6 week olds still sleep a ton and someone with an older infant would be FAR busier taking care of their child than this couple.

I am all for kid free weddings – one of my DD’s drew a strong line on no  kids.  However – you have a friendship on the line and they have a newborn and are coming from out of state.  Do you want to ruin a friendship over 4 or 5 hours where a newborn will be around?  I can’t imagine other parents not being understanding of a newborn from out of state needing to be with his/her parents.

Personally, there are a lot of hills I think are worth dying on, this isn’t one of them.

Post # 28
2170 posts
Buzzing bee

I think you should check with them, OP. If they do plan on bringing the baby, against your wishes, I would let it slide but not allow any others. If anyone asks you the day of, which I doubt, you can say you are surprised or whatever. 

I understand that a 6 week old baby maybe should be around mom all the time, BUT that doesn’t mean the mom gets to choose both things. The parents have a tough decision to make, one of many since having a child. Go to the wedding sans baby, as the bride & groom requesst; OR stay home with the child; OR one of them, probably Dad can got to the wedding so mom & baby stay home.

Just because this couple has a baby, doesn’t mean you should change your plans, especially for YOUR wedding. Since your choice is no kids at your wedding, and this couple doesn’t want to leave baby with a sitter, totally understandable, they can respectfully decline and send a gift. Why is this not the appropriate option? Why is that, OP, who sounds very kind, unselfish, and understanding, should change what she wants for this couple? The world around you doesn’t change for you when you have a child. You have to make choices to raise your kid the way you want.

I’m just not sure why the choice is on any bride who decides to have a child free wedding instead of the choice being with the parents of the small infant. The bride made her choice to have a child free wedding, now the new parents have to make the right choice.  

Post # 29
1228 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I think you have the right to request a baby-free wedding, and that your friends are rude for deciding to bring their kid in spite of your request not to. If they can’t be away from the baby, they should skip the party, end of story. You don’t see parents  taking their new babies to fancy restaurants, the opera, the theater, a romantic getaway to a couples resort – I don’t see how a wedding is any different. There are places where babies just aren’t appropriate. They change the atmosphere and can be disruptive and distracting to other people’s enjoyment. It doesn’t matter WHY the parents can’t leave the baby – whether they’re breastfeeding, uncomfortable with sitters, or just plain can’t stand to be apart for a few days – it is still the parents’ problem to solve, not the bride and groom’s.

To answer your question OP, I don’t think you should worry about other parents at your wedding feeling upset, or wondering if certain parents got a baby pass while others were denied. I think most will probably just think, “huh, look at those rude people who ignored the “no kids” request from the bride and groom. How entitled!” Of course, I’m sure some people will think, “oh, X and Y brought their baby in spite of the no kids rule. Why didn’t I think to simply ignore the request of the bride and groom and bring my uninvited guest along? I’ll do that next time!” but luckily your wedding will be over by then and then they will be some other bride’s problem.

Post # 30
2898 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

If you phrased your response to her the same way you phrased it here, I think it’s entirely possible that she doesn’t realize your answer was “no, you can’t bring your baby.” What you said here was “I’m hesitant to say yes” (which is not the same thing as “no,” and sounds more like “it’s a possibility but I need more convincing.”) and “if you can find a sitter, you should” (which implies to me that if you can’t find a sitter, you can bring the baby). I’d bet twenty bucks that her takeaway from that conversation was “you can bring the baby if you really have to” and perhaps her plan to have family babysit fell through or she realized that she wasn’t ready to be apart from her baby for that long. 

I think it would be a shame if you told her, now after she’s likely booked flights and accommodations, that her baby isn’t welcome. I know it can be hard to say no to people, but in the future i think you need to be much more firm and clear when you’re communicating a negative answer. 

As for what the other parents in attendance will think, I wouldn’t worry. I have a 4.5 month old and I am totally comfortable leaving him with a sitter for a few hours. When he was six weeks, no way. Anyone who has had a baby will know the difference with no problem. 

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