Post # 31
Have you considered that this could also be a miscommunication? If, as you stated in your OP, you told her that you were “tentative to say yes,” you essentially told her that you were saying yes unless you told her otherwise. What you intended to tell her was that you were hesitant to say yes, which would have implied that you didn’t think you could say yes. Those are two very different things.
Post # 32
The difference between a wedding and a restaurant, theater or opera is that there will be lots of other times when the baby is older that the parents can go to a restaurant, theater or opera, whereas, theoretically anyway, the OP will only be married once. That is a huge, and obvious, difference.
Post # 33
- Wedding: September 2017 - Rossino Castle
I would casually ask them if they found a sitter and what their arrangements are,and if they mention bringing the baby,I would remind them no kids are allowed,and don’t if they can’t come because of this,you’ll understand.
Kids here are almost never allowed to weddings,and every time I went to one with kids it wasn’t as enjoyable to me.I also can’t stand people who thinks rules don’t apply to them.
Post # 34
- Wedding: June 2015 - Backyard
I believe that ettiquette dictates babies (under one year old) do not follow the no-kids rule, because they are usually breastfeeding during this time. It is not polite to tell someone they cannot bring their under-one infant who requires breastfeeding. Other people with kids will understand the difference and should not be offended that they couldn’t bring their older children. If they don’t understand, that’s their problem and you are still being consistent with the no-kids rule because the clause states breastfeeding babies are allowed (Which then includes both the 6 week old and the 9 month old).
Post # 35
I agree with PP, six weeks is to young to ask a mother to separate from her son. Especially if she’s breastfeeding. Also, traveling from out of town? Not a parent, but I’d have declined if I couldn’t bring my six week old. I get it if the child is a year, but leaving a newborn. No way.
We had a child-free wedding except for the Flower Girl and a five month old. My friend was nursing (even though she did pump before coming to the wedding – she had to leave again to pump). He didn’t make a peep the whole time.
You will have to realize they might not attend the reception if her baby is not allowed.
Post # 36
I have to agree that you did NOT tell her no. You danced around the issue and basically told her that she could bring her baby if she could not make other accommodations. To go back on what you said and tell her no now that she has made plans is rude, IMO. People who truly want no children at an event need to be up-front about it from the beginning, not change the rules mid-stream.
I also agree that it is a lot of work bringing a newborn to a wedding and travelling. This friend must value you a lot to even be willing to do it. I agree with a PP that the decision now is whether you want to have her there (and preserve the friendship) or call her and tell her she isn’t welcome with a newborn (even after saying you would essentially be okay with it, and even at risk of damaging the friendship). I don’t think this is a hill to die on, either, but your wedding, your call.
Post # 37
The thing is, when you tell a mother whose baby is that young that the baby cant come to your wedding,you are saying “I expect you to leave your tiny baby with a sitter”,which is impossible and laughable to most mothers with children that small. You are also saying “yeah,im inviting you,but if you cant come it’s totally no big deal”,which is pretty much like saying “here’s your token invite but dont bother coming”. Which comes across as you not valuing this person’s friendship at all. Because it’s more important to you to have a paper perfect day than to be surrounded by your loved ones. So much drama just because of a tiny baby that you will likely not even notice? Not the hill i would choose to die on.
Post # 38
Just thought of an example – saying to a mother with a 6week old baby “here’s your invite but you cant come because children are not welcome,and as your baby is too young to be babysat youre basically screwed” is like saying “here’s your invite,you cant come because youre on a gluten free diet and were only serving wheat-based products,so youre screwed”. it just comes across pointlessly rude.
Post # 39
When I said “I was tentative to say yes because we had family and friends that would not be bringing their children..” what I meant to say is “I was hesitant…” My fault for typing that in the early hours of the morning. Although I do agree, I should have been more direct in my response. I was caught off guard when she asked, and didn’t want to offend my good friend.
In the end I thank everyone for their advice. Moving forward I’m not going to say anything to her, her son can come. I don’t want to start a fight with a good friend who is a new mommy. Especially when she is going to so much trouble to be there for me. As for the parents who honored our wishes, I assume they are ok with their situation. I hope, as many of you had said, that they will be understanding.
I have to say reading these posts made me feel better, it was nice to hear that other women feel that it’s ok to say babies can’t come. It’s also reassuring to know that other people sympathize with the situtation and understand that I have my reasons for drawing the line of the guest list where I had to.
For those of you who feel it is “laughable” to say that the baby cannot come, respectfully I disagree. It’s not as if I’m demanding she come without her son. I also don’t think it’s rude to invite someone knowing their is a chance they might not be able to make it. I’ve turned down weddings of good friends when I couldn’t afford to travel. It’s part of life, their is time to celebrate another day. We are blessed to have good friends who are willing to travel to see us get hitched, that hasn’t been lost on me.
For any new parents checking out this board to figure out if their new baby should be allowed at a friends wedding, consider asking the bride and groom in an email. Explain that you understand their situtation, and explain yours. Give the couple a chance to discuss it (get advice from parents and/or weddingbee) and choose their words carefully in their response… in other words don’t put them on the spot.
Also, try to understand that this type of decision is not a refletion of how your friend feels about you but could be the result of family dynamics or other external factors that you are not aware of.
Read more: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/newborn-at-our-wedding/#ixzz3iLvK5ddv
Post # 40
I think as PPs said… people with a 3 month old etc.. won’t be upset to see a 6 wk old; they know how crazy it was for them when they had a 6 wk old only a couple months earlier.
That said.. I also think your friend is very ambitious right now to think she’ll be able to travel with a 6 wk old. I’m curious to find out if they even make it to the wedding… I know all of my friends had pretty big plans for when their babies were born, and most of those plans were thrown away for the easier option.
Post # 41
They should decline your invite.
One of my wedding guests rudely brought a 7 month old infant after I’d explicitly let them know that we were having an adults only event. Many other friends were offended, because they’d left children (and infants, too) at home. It created a lot of drama, and left me with having to make phone calls to the offended guests a few days afterward to explain that the child was uninvited, and that no exception had been made. It’s a shitty thing to do to the hosts. Plus, the baby cried through parts of our ceremony. Just rude.
Hosts get to decide who is invited, not guests.
Post # 42
If anybody suggested that I should leave my 6 week baby because it doesn’t fit with their vision then I would laugh at them, probably not attend and then really rethink my friendship.
Here’s how it would seem to me: ‘Hi you’re my friend and I’d love you to spend time and money travelling with a new born to my wedding, I’d also like get me a gift but the fact you’re probably breastfeeding a child that’s only been alive 6 weeks is just soooo inconvenient for me and I don’t trust you to deal with your own baby who’ll probably sleep through most of it. So really what I want you to do is find a sitter at 6 weeks old even though that’s below the age most daycare will take children or decline my invitation but because you can’t attend, you can still get me a gift because I’ve graciously invited you to my day.’ (Because let’s me honest, anyone who wants to enforce this rule would probably be bitching if they didn’t get a gift in their absence after an invite because it’s the ‘polite’ thing to do).
Just my personal take on this but I would consdier that to be a very superficial decision and it would speak volumes to me about where my friend’s priorities lie. I’d like to think that I could be trusted to remove my child if it cried.
OP, there’s a reason you’ve danced around the issue and not put your foot down on it and it’s because common sense says it’s a ridiculous thing to do.
Post # 43
I think a lot of people here are misreading the OP. She is not expecting her friend to come and leave the baby. Its very reasonable to say I do not want children/babies at the wedding if you are not comfortable leaving him/her with the sitter then reply no!
Post # 44
I would venture to say that you really didn’t read anything I wrote or try to understand what my actual dilemna was. The problem was not that the baby might cry or take up space, it was worrying that other mothers might not understand. I appreciate all of the feedback on this board that have assured me that a six week old can be a special exception – even among other young babies.
The thing I’m learning from reading the posts on this board and on others is that things are different regionally and different within people’s own families. At the majority of wedding I’ve attended that allowed children, only children within the family had attended. It hadn’t occured to me that friends would want to bring their kids. Perhaps that is a sign that I am not yet a mother, that doesn’t make me a bad person.
For the record, I think it would be much more rude for me not to invite a good friend knowing that it might be difficult to attend. To me, if the roles were reversed, that would be much more hurtful. To your other accusation, I did not invite ANYONE I didn’t honestly want there. I don’t expect anyone who doesn’t come to send a gift, and any ettiquite source you look into would tell you that you shouldn’t expect a gift from anyone, even those who attend the wedding.
I danced around the issue because I was caught off guard and because it hadn’t occured to me that it would be a problem. Perhaps it is common sense to invite the baby, but my fear was it could have a snowball effect. The only thing that entered my mind when she asked was “if I let her bring her son, will my cousin who is leaving her 2 year old at home get mad, will our other pregnant friends need to bring there kids (there were a few), will my mom insist that if we allow one child we should allow all”. For me, the guest list was already larger than I wanted, and my parents were pushing for kids to be allowed. I didn’t want to open the floodgates. I don’t think that makes me selfish or petty for having those concerns.
As I said before, I’ve decided to not say anything and let the baby come. But on that note, I do believe that my friendship is strong enough that if I did explain things to her she would understand and continue to be my friend, even if she was hurt and offended. We are good friends and would move on. I personally believe that ending a friendship because someone expressed that a baby’s presence at an event might cause some family drama is far more superficial than a blanket no kids policy.
Post # 45
- Wedding: October 2019 - City, State
lnpboo: this is your wedding. If you want no kids and made that clear, they are the ones being rude to think they can still bring their child even though you said no children at all were allowed. I think when you make a rule like that, it’s up to them to decide if they are going to come and respect the wishes of the hosts or decline if they dont’ feel comfortabel attending without their baby. Those are really the only two options they have and you aren’t wrong for sticking to what you originally wanted. I think it’s amazing that people will call you rude and selfish but overlook the fact that these parents were told no and still ar eplanning on bringing their baby.