(Closed) Newborn at our Wedding

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 46
Member
2065 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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lnpboo:  If anyone else complains, just tell them that you are making an exception for the baby because it’s too small to be left without it’s mother, whereas the older children are old enough to be babysat and you had to draw the line somewhere. 

Post # 47
Member
1249 posts
Bumble bee

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DaisyBlossom:  You were right about only one thing – You should not attend if you cannot leave your baby. If the host of ANY event says that there are no children allowed, just because you have a young baby who cannot be left alone does not give you the right to be the exception to the rule. That’s just plain rude. If you cannot leave your baby, you don’t attend. It’s simple. You don’t bring the baby anyway.

I’m not a fan of child free weddings at all – I think children are a part of the family and deserve to be a part of the celebration. BUT if someone sent me an invitation that said it was an adult only reception, that’s their decision and not mine. If I couldn’t leave my children then I wouldn’t attend. If it were a close friend or family member, I’d probably feel a bit slighted that they didn’t want my children there, but there’s no way I would ever bring them anyway.

If I couldn’t bring my 6 month old baby, but saw that there were other babies there, I would be pretty annoyed. If I were close to the bride, I would probably ask “Why did so and so get to bring their baby?” and then the bride would have to be honest and say “They just brought the baby anyway, I’m sorry.”

OP – I don’t know if there’s much you can do at this point. I would probably just leave it and hope for the best. Maybe your friend will realize that what she’s doing is rude and inconsiderate to the other guests who are following the adult only rule and not bringing their children.

Post # 48
Member
3080 posts
Sugar bee

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lnpboo:  My daughter, SIL and their infant traveled to visit us this weekend. Their normally 2-hour trip turned into 3, because of traffic. The baby cried half of the trip and my SIL almost turned around and went home. When they got here, the baby was fussy the whole weekend. Parents got about 2 hours of sleep each night and napped during the day, while I cared for the baby. They didn’t do anything they planned to do all weekend.

The last thing they would consider taking a newborn would be to travel for a wedding of a friend, especially one that’s attended by hundreds of people (germs!) and potentially very loud music, at the reception. We were going to go out to dinner last night and even ditched that idea. 

All I can add is that if your friends decide to travel for your wedding, I wish them good luck.

Post # 49
Member
4835 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

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lnpboo:  “Should I just let it go and let things play out as they are, pretend to others that I didnt know she was brining the baby?”

Do this one.  Your wedding is 5 weeks away.  You don’t need to deal with this.

If other parents notice and are miffed, they’ll probably assume that because the baby is so young he/she made the cut off.  If they don’t and they confront you (doubtful) just play dumb.

It’s really hard to tell a friend who’s traveling from out of state to not bring her infant.  I think your attitude of being flattered that she’s willing to make the effort is right on.

Post # 50
Member
1308 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016 - St. John\'s Lutheran Church

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BubblesandCupcakes:  Can you explain this a bit more to me? I’m genuinely curious. Like, isn’t a 5-month-old baby still breastfeeding? And couldn’t a 9-month-old baby also be breastfeeding? Or is it like, they could be, but they could also take food if necessary, and the 6-week-old can’t?

Post # 51
Member
2165 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

I honestly don’t know why someone would want to bring a tiny, helpless breast-feeding infant to a place where there are dozens of people all around. Some of them breathing into the baby’s face, others not paying attention to where they walk.

If the mother has no one to leave the baby with, or the baby won’t take a bottle, she should stay home. It is part of being a parent.

Post # 52
Member
2442 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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marriedtopizza:  There are a few differences – one of them is that, until 12 weeks or so, a breastfeeding mom and baby are still establishing their breastfeeding relationship. The baby goes through growth spurts and cluster feeding and mom’s supply is still pretty dependent on baby’s demand. She probably wouldn’t be able to easily pump and stash enough milk to feed a six week old for the amount of time baby would need to be watched, and she would probably wind up with some painful engorgement at the wedding (unless she’s hiding in the bathroom with a manual pump). 

But even without the breastfeeding issue, a six week old baby just feels so small and fragile and helpless. They are completely dependent on their parents to be sensitive and respond to their needs. They sleep and eat erratically.

By five months, babies just feel more sturdy. They can usually entertain themselves for a short time, they can “communicate” in some ways (smiling and laughing, pushing things away or pulling them in), they might be eating some solid food and – if she’s breastfeeding – mom’s supply is established enough that she doesn’t have to worry that going five hours without breastfeeding will cause her supply to dip, and she’ll have plenty of time to stash away eight or twelve ounces of breastmilk for bottle feeds. 

Post # 53
Member
3080 posts
Sugar bee

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lnpboo:  

Around here, you get 6 weeks for a maternity leave – natural birth and 8 weeks, for a c-section. I was back at work full time 2 weeks after a c-section, because the person hired to fill-in for me quit. I either did work at home or went into the office nights and weekends, so my husband could take care of the baby. We used a neighborhood lady for a sitter, after 6 weeks. 

I attended a wedding when my 2nd child was 3 weeks old. We all went to the ceremony (public, in a church), then went home and neighbors cared for my children, until we left the reception, after the cake was served. If my husband hadn’t been out of town on business, he would have been the one staying home with them. I wouldn’t have thought of asking for an exception for my newborn – the bride’s nieces and nephews weren’t even there.

Post # 54
Member
13 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I think it’s good that you decided to let it go for now. Like others have mentioned, it sounds like maybe your friend misunderstood your response as permission to bring the baby if she couldn’t work out other arrangements rather than open defiance of your requests. I recently received an invite for a friend’s kid-free wedding in October. Our son will only be about 6 weeks old at that point, too, and exclusively breastfed. I sent a message to the bride mentioning that I saw the note on her wedding website about no kids and wanted to see if that applied to newborns, because I didn’t want to assume one way or another (because it’s definitely the couple’s right to decide who can and can’t come). She said it would be OK, but in our case, if the answer had been no I would have had to decline the invitation because I doubt I’ll feel comfortable leaving him that young. 

Post # 55
Member
1308 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016 - St. John\'s Lutheran Church

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KatieBklyn:  Thanks, this is really interesting. I know so little about child development, the youngest baby I’ve ever held was about 6 months.

Post # 56
Member
2442 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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marriedtopizza:  I didn’t know most of that myself until after my kid was born! 😊

Post # 57
Member
78 posts
Worker bee

If you’re worried about budget and size, most venues don’t charge for babies because they don’t eat anything.

If you really don’t want the six-week old baby there, then you need to expect that the parents won’t attend either.

Post # 58
Member
78 posts
Worker bee

Also, this is exactly why babies and kids are allowed at my wedding. Some people get so snark about this topic, but honestly I’d rather have a bunch of kids running around acting like kids than adults getting drunk and acting like a-holes. 

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by carrjc66.
Post # 59
Member
2168 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

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lnpboo:  This sucks. We also ‘suggested’ no kids for our wedding too – our Groomsmen and wife had a 5 year old and a newborn (1 month old) at the time of our wedding. They literally told us they would not be coming if the kids couldn’t come. This is a GM! What to do….we addressed their invitation to ‘and family’ and for the rest of our friends with children we left it adressed to the adults only. Everyone else managed to find babysitting for their kids and no one (that I heard) seemed to have a problem that someone’s kids were there and their’s weren’t. I agree with PP – for a 6 week old you have to make an exception. Or realize the couple might not come. FWIW – it is a big deal to make a trek out of town with a newborn. Understand how tough that is on the new parents and they are making that effort for you.

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