Post # 1
I just got engaged to my wonderful boyfriend of over 3 years last week! He’s an avid golfer so it was fitting that he popped the question on the greens. Our families have gotten along… until now. I grew up in a huge, devout Catholic family. When I say that I mean my parents are Catholic, their parents are Catholic, all the in-laws converted … basically everyone I am related to is Catholic. (I have over 30 first cousins to put things into perspective.) Since my senior year of high school, I started questioning the church but kept it to myself, of course. I continued to go to mass to make my family happy, but feared exploring other churches for they would strongly oppose it. When my FIANCE (hehe) and I first started dating, he went to mass with us a few times until he decided he didn’t agree with the things the church teaches (like praying to Mary, confessing sins to a priest, the belief of purgatory, etc.). His family is Baptist, but his paternal grandfather is Catholic. His father converted to Baptist but Fiance is not interested in converting to be a Catholic AT ALL. We have had the church talk time and time again. He says we must do what’s right for US and for our family in the future. I agree but am so afraid of letting my family down and possibly shunned… We decided to wait until after we got engaged to finally tell my parents. (NOTE: I’ve dreaded this day forever and my heart drops every time I think about it.) I started with my father who is usually laid back and open-minded about things. He FLIPPED. He felt that I was betraying him and his entire family. He made it sound like I might as well worship the devil if leave the church… Needless to say I was in tears and even more afraid to talk to my mom. To this day he doesn’t talk to me, refuses to even look at me, and leaves the room when I enter. I found the courage somewhere to sit her down the following evening and she was completely calm… which is crazy to me because I thought she would freak out more so than my dad! She understands where I stand but she still sides with my dad. She says she will still love me if I leave but will be very disappointed. This past Friday, my parents talked about it I guess and my mom sat me down Saturday. She said that my dad told her that if I leave, he will no longer welcome my fiancé and me into the house nor will he attend the wedding… I am heart broken. I cry every time I think about not having my dad there… not having him walking me down the aisle… I am a huge Daddy’s girl and I just don’t understand why this is happening… Do I stay Catholic to please my parents in hopes of seeing my father at my wedding…? Or do what I feel God is calling me to do and expand my heart to a new church in hopes of growing stronger in my faith? How do I plan my big day without the love and support of my dad….?!
Fiance doesn’t want to convert because that would be a lie to us. Why convert if you don’t believe in it whole-heartedly? But I also love my family and I’m scared to death of losing them. He says my dad will come around. The wedding isn’t until 2016. Also, I live at home still to save up money while getting my degree. My maternal grandparents live with us too so when the news get to them they will be so crushed/angry/I have no idea but I’m scared…
Please help. I’m desperate. And sorry if this is the wrong board.. first post.
Post # 2
You are an adult. You can’t try and please everyone. When you accepted that proposal, you are now with your FI- not with your father. I’m sorry and please don’t take this offensively but your dad is being a completely asshole and being very controlling. He should respect your beliefs, morals, and decisions as an adult. That is so not right. I hope you have the courage to stick up to him. If he doesn’t go to your wedding over this, that shows a lot of his own character. He will regret it someday.
Post # 3
Also- you say that your wedding isn’t until 2016. There is a BIG chance your dad will calm down and come around by then. I’m sorry you’re going through this!
Post # 4
Emotionalrose: it’s so sad that your dad is being like this. I can understand, I guess, that he feels strongly about this, but you are a grown up starting her own family life. Honestly if you can’t stand up to your dad long term, your only choice is to marry a catholic. only you can decide how important his approval is.
Post # 5
God is in your heart and wherever you go, you don’t have to go to church in order to believe.
Post # 6
- Wedding: July 2015 - City Hall!
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. But at the end of the day your walk with god is just that. yours. no one elses.
Post # 7
Your dad is being ridiculous. As a christian myself, it is not christian to shun your daughter. God would not condone that behaviour. I suggest you write your dad a letter expressing your grief at his actions. Explain to him that you will not sacrifice your future with the love of your life but that it is extremely devestating that he wants to cut you out of his life simply because you have found your soul mate and your religious views differ now. In writing you get it all down, every thought, every feeling and after that, see where he lies.
Post # 8
Do not allow your parents to control you with religion. You are an adult who is capable of making your own decisions about your religious beliefs. When controlling parents use estrangement threats to get their way, the best thing to do is call their bluff so that they know that manipulation will not be tolerated.
I am a Daddy’s Girl too and it killed me that he wasn’t there to walk me to my husband when we eloped. However, I had to do what was right for my husband and I. My mother was just being too ornery and insulting for us to have her there when we married.
Post # 9
I agree with PP saying that this is your walk with God, not your dad, not your mom, not your Fiance.
I know this is very hard and scary to go through. My mother went through the exact same thing as you did. Although she had accepted Christ prior to their wedding, her mother did not find out until after the wedding. She also acted how your dad did.
My point is, no one should dictate your faith in God. You alone are in charge of your spiritual life. Please don’t shy away from God because of this experience. He knows what the future holds and He has good things in store for you. Trust in Him to work in the lives of your family and everyone else involved. I hope everything works out!!
Post # 10
You are perfectly free to choose whichever religion best fits your life. But your father is also perfectly free to choose to distance himself from you based on his strict religious values. This doesn’t make him an asshole and the first step to helping him accept your views and beliefs is to accept his. You may not agree with his views but he’s no more required to change his views to suit you than you are required to change yours for him. You may want to speak to a third party, someone religious but with no stake I’m what religion you ultimately follow; someone like a priest at a different parish or a rabbi, who has probably helped other families learn how to live in harmony whilst following different faiths.
Post # 11
You have to decide for yourself how to approach your religion. It’s not your dad’s place to choose that for you, and it’s incredibly unfair for him to give you that kind of ultimatum. Hopefully, he will calm down with time. You are starting a new life with your Fiance, so you will have to figure out how your religious beliefs will mix. From what I’ve heard, Catholics marrying Protestants is a relatively common thing as long as you respect each other, and maybe talking with your priest or others in interfaith relationships may help.
Post # 12
You need to make this decision yourself. You and your fiance are both believers in God and Christ, and this the very doctrine of any christian religion, so this should be the essence of what your family is believing in. At the very least, your father should be glad that you’re marrying a christian, right? I’d give it time, two years to go, and you’ve just spring this on them recently. Give them time to get to know your fiance for who he is as a person.
Post # 13
- Wedding: April 2015 - Family Farm
Emotionalrose: Have you looked into the Episcopal Church? My Grandmother was Russian Orthadox and Grandfater was Baptist. Episcopal is pretty middle of the road. I was raised Episcopal but spent more time in a catholic church simply because my best friend is Catholic. My Fiance was raised DEVOUT Baptist and he loves the Episcopal Church.
Your family needs to understand that they are not behaving in a christian manner. That sort of attitude is unacceptable. Definitely set some rules. You are adults. This decision is not theirs.
Post # 14
Emotionalrose: Catholic, Baptist, Penecostal, Othodox….it’s all Christian to me. In a sense, people like to separate tradition too much and never focus on what the foundation of the belief is…Jesus. I think you dad does need to reevaluate his heart, does he follow Jesus or tradition? As for you, as christian, I say follow Jesus, because that is the most important.
Post # 15
Emotionalrose: I am so sorry this is happening to you. Your parents are acting so childish and ridiculous! You are an adult and should be entitled to make your own choices. Do not let them bully you into doing what they want you to do. Instead, focus on your life that you are building with your fiance. They are completely in the wrong here and hopefully they will come around. You will not truly be happy if you let them bully you into their way of thinking. I wish you luck and hope that this all works out for you!