Newly Engaged & Devastated by Dad's Ultimatum

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 31
Member
305 posts
Helper bee

Don’t grovel, send your father an invitation (don’t expect him), and have a wedding you can afford with your fiance’s family.

Post # 32
Member
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2022

Your dad and stepmom both have issues. Neither are your fault. I absolutely would not “apologize” for anything. They’ll just keep treating you badly. If you invite him alone, he will insist you invite her as well. Cross them both off the guest list and celebrate your day with your friends and fiance’s family.

Post # 33
Member
555 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
explore1the1world :  Your father’s wife is asking you to apologize for existing. How could you even do that? Save your dignity. 

At best, your father and his nasty wife are clueless. Far more likely she’s a sadist. I’m so sorry Bee. ☹ That conversation with your dad is going to sting for a long time. I hope you can some solace in the new family you’re making.

I’m just going to cross my fingers for you that he drops that hag before he dies so you both might have a chance to reconnect. If not it’s his loss.

Post # 34
Member
246 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

HOW ROTTEN! 

I read that and my mouth dropped open in disbelief. I am so sorry that your own father would even tolerate that kind of behavior from his wife when it comes to his children, and that he then took it a step further and VOCALIZED that kind of demand of you. That is pure and utter garbage. Like other PPs have said, pay for what you can afford, leave him and his disgusting sack of garbage of a wife in your rear view and create a life you deserve which includes not letting people like that near you or the family you create. 

Post # 35
Member
7976 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

This man is not deserving of the title “father.” It never ceases to amaze me how a parent can choose some piece of tail (both men and women are equally bad in this regard) over their own children. He has told you loud and clear that he chooses her, not you. Not ever you. 

So save your breath and don’t apologize for being born. Tell your “dad” that you’re sorry he isn’t man enough to choose his daughter – just once – on her wedding day. And maybe buy his wife a leash. And don’t take a dime of his money.

Post # 36
Member
2966 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

View original reply
mrsptobe2017 :  This is what OP needs to read. Over and over again. Very well put! 

OP – you have nothing to apologize for, so do not apologize. She is literally demanding that you apologize for *existing*. That is incredibly fucked up. 

And don’t take a cent of your father’s money even if he does offer it. It’s just not worth it. He and his wife will just use that money to make increasingly absurd demands. 

I’d be hesitant to even invite them to the wedding, and I most certainly would not offer either of them ant kind of official role. 

It sucks and it hurts and it’s ridiculously unfair that you ended up with the kinds of parents you did, but you’re an adult now and you’re allowed to choose your own family. You don’t have to be stuck with people who treat you poorly. 

If you have a good relationship with your brother, is suggest giving him the typical father of the bride role. If not, perhaps Megan Markle it and have your fiance’s dad walk you down the aisle. 

You have a new family now. The one you were born into was never a family in the first place. Don’t allow yourself to get hurt over and over again by trying to hold on to something that never was. 

Big hugs to you. I can’t imagine how much this hurts. 

Post # 37
Member
3431 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Sorry. No way would I grovel to her. Shame on your dad for asking you to do that. Don’t count on any money from them. It’s not worth the heartache. 

Post # 38
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee

She is gross and obviously emotionally abusive to your farther. However, he is an adult and allowed this woman to come between him and his children. You don’t owe her shit let along an apology for ruining her life. And sorry Bee your dad is a first class ass for even repeating her garbage to you. He made his choice and now you should make your choice. I would not take one dime from him nor would he be invited to my wedding. They are both toxic and I would cut them both out of my life. If your father can’t treat you with respect than why keep him in your life?

Post # 39
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee

She is disgusting and obviously emotionally abusive to your farther. However, he is an adult and allowed this woman to come between him and his children. You don’t owe her shit let along an apology for ruining her life. And sorry Bee your dad is a first class ass for even repeating her garbage to you. He made his choice and now you should make your choice. I would not take one dime from him nor would he be invited to my wedding. They are both toxic and I would cut them both out of my life. If your father can’t treat you with respect than why keep him in your life?

Post # 40
Member
1265 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

View original reply
explore1the1world :  First off, congratulations on your engagement!

But… what an awful situation to be in with your father. I agree with the other bees that you shouldn’t apologise, for a wealth of reasons, but also because I can almost guarantee it still won’t get you what you want. A person like your fathers wife (I wouldn’t dare call her a step-mother!!) will never be content – she’ll always be unhappy and manipulating/blaming/hurting others to try and fill some sort of hole inside of her. What do you really think the chances are of you guys starting fresh, even if you bend over backwards with this apology and groveling?

I’m outraged for you at the audacity of the request. Seriously, what an awful woman. I’m also extremely disappointed for you that your father would back her in all this. I just don’t see how you can win here. You may have to accept that you cannot have your father in your life the way you would like. I suspect both answers to the ultimatum will result in the same thing, but one will also strip you of your dignity. 

I hope your therapist is able to help you unpack this further and reach a decision that you’re comfortable with. Sending my best!!

 

Post # 42
Member
1087 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

You have your wedding without him. Period. If he truly believes any of his wife’s nonsense then it is time to let him go until he sees that he has lost his entire family due to this woman. Any contribution he was going to give is not worth it, either postpone the wedding until all funds are in hand or just downsize a bit. I think that you should show up to their house and tell them of your decision, if she get confrontational just keep it civil and walk out. Also don’t count on any type of inheritance from your father as I am sure she has secured all that for herself at this point. 

I am sorry this has happened. 

Post # 43
Member
5227 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

View original reply
explore1the1world :  I think we need reminders sometimes. You spent a lot of time distanced from your dad. I wouldn’t be surprised if you started to get confused, started to think that maybe you had things wrong, that maybe they didn’t happen the way you thought they did. So we test the waters

My mother has a way of confusing me. It would take just one conversation to make me think that everything I ever knew to be true was wrong. That she actually really was a victim and that I was the bad guy who misread the situation completely.

So I just don’t allow her to confuse me anymore. If we are in contact at all, I give her 20 minutes on the phone max. And if she starts in with some bullshit, I interrupt her and get off of the phone.

Toxic people are so good at manipulating and turning things around to turn you into a bad guy.

He actually wanted you to apologize for ruining his wife’s life. That’s not normal. That a grown ass adult would actually think that his kid ruined his spouses life… that’s not normal. It would be comical but he sat you down and had an actual conversation asking you to do it. 

So take this as a reminder. You tested the waters, and he’s still manipulated by a toxic mess, he might even be a toxic mess himself.

Post # 44
Member
3682 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

View original reply
explore1the1world :  I’m really sorry about your dad and his priorities.  In case it’s not 100% crystal clear, this is utterly his fault and his problem and has NO reflection on you and how awesome you are.  Sorry you got dealt a shit hand when it comes to parents, but your Fiance sounds wonderful and you are moving forward with your own wonderful little family.  Hugs!

Post # 45
Member
386 posts
Helper bee

Neither of them get an apology.  That said, I’d invite him alone and if he shows up, he shows up.  Have security in case she shows up with him.

Don’t take money from him.  You’re a 30 year old adult; you don’t need daddy to pay for your wedding.

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors