Post # 1
Member
6009 posts
Bee Keeper
So my sister got engaged this weekend; she just texted me and told me her date and that I was going to be a bridesmaid and that my daughter (who would be 13 months at that time) would be her flowergirl. She didn’t ask; she told me. Here’s the backstory:
When I was in labor with my daughter, this sister texted my husband and asked if she and my 4 year old nephew could come up to visit 3 days after the baby was born (they live 5 hours away). He said that would be great, we’d love to see them, etc… The day they were supposed to come visit, my mom called and told me my nephew had a cold. I texted my sister and let her know that, because we were trying to keep Addie away from my nephew’s germs, we didn’t want him kissing or holding the baby. She FREAKED OUT. She called me and told me they weren’t coming up to visit because we obviously didn’t want them there. Then, she called my mom, dad, all of my other sisters, my grandma, and a bunch of her friends and told them I wouldn’t allow her to see the baby. Then she wrote on Facebook that we weren’t allowing any family members to come up and visit. Then, she refused to answer my calls or emails every time I tried to contact her. This morning’s text is the first time I’ve heard from her, and she’s never met my daughter (who’s almost 6 months old now).
I don’t want to start more drama, but I don’t want to be her bridesmaid. And I don’t want my daughter to be her flowergirl. At the very most, I want to attend her wedding with a present and smile. I know I’m being kinda petty, but do you think I’m overreacting? Fwiw, my husband doesn’t even think we should attend the wedding. Ugh, I am just so not over her past bad behavior. I could hardly muster up the kindness to text her congratulations on her engagement this morning.
I’ll add a poll, just because I like them. 🙂
Post # 3
Member
3176 posts
Sugar bee
Before you address anything regarding her wedding the two of you need to talk, plain and simple. I think a dicussion needs to happen over what occurred when your daughter was born. Personally I wouldnt want to end a relationship with a family member over one incident, regardless of what happened, I think you should talk this out unless you feel you will never want her in your life.
Post # 4
Member
3762 posts
Honey bee
I would just say, Congratulations and thank you for asking me to be your Bridesmaid or Best Man and Dirty Delete to be your Flower Girl. We will have to talk it over with Darling Husband and see if that is what is best for our family.
I would then come back with some other excuse (money etc) as to why you can’t participate.
Post # 5
Member
1498 posts
Bumble bee
Just be honest. Let her know that what she did has effected the way you view your relationship with her and you aren’t comforatble supporting her in that way. That you’d love to attend the wedding, but having you and your daughter be a part of her day in that capacity just isn’t the right thing for you and your family.
No need to be mean or demand anything. If she apologizes, which she should, then you can go from there and see how you feel about it.
Post # 6
Member
3762 posts
Honey bee
June has some good advice as well. What is the past history of you and your sister. Is this common behavior? If so, it sounds like it would be a stressful wedding.
Post # 7
Member
1498 posts
Bumble bee
@caszos: I disagree, making up an excuse is not the right thing to do. Honesty is always the best policy as cliche as it sounds.
Lying to your sister is stooping to her level, IMO.
Post # 8
Member
971 posts
Busy bee
If you don’t want to be in the wedding, tell her you don’t want to be in it. Nobody can demand that you be in the wedding.
Don’t make any excuses like you can’t afford it because she’ll probably offer to pay for your dresses and won’t leave you any “outs”. Simply tell her that you’d rather enjoy her wedding as an observer rather than a participant.
Post # 9
Member
1030 posts
Bumble bee
Agree with others, an excuse is a terrible idea.. it’ll just dig you into a deeper hole. I think it’s totally fair to speak the vulnerable truth – that you were hurt by her actions, and you don’t feel right being in her wedding party, but you still want to be there for her and rebuild your relationship. You can’t go wrong with the truth..
Post # 10
Member
5977 posts
Bee Keeper
I think the two of you need to talk, and very soon. I know you tried to reach out to her when everything happened initially, but she was clearly hurt and angry at your reaction to your nephew’s cold. Two wrongs don’t make a right, and you boycotting being a bridesmaid in her wedding isn’t going to fix things. I know you’re upset with her for not meeting your daughter in 6 months, but she did make an effort. And while I understand your reaction (I would protect my baby as well), texting her about it wasn’t the best way of communicating how you felt. So, while I think she’s in the wrong for not meeting your daughter in 6 months, I don’t think you’re fully blameless in the situation either.
Try to give her a call and see if she’ll talk about it. Apologize for not wanting your nephew near your daughter, but let her know that you were looking out for her best interest. Hopefully offering the olive branch will get her to apologize for the way she reacted to the situation…which was very poorly.
I hope things end up working out!
Post # 11
Member
2398 posts
Buzzing bee
I would tread very, very lightly.
From her perspective, you saying no will probably seem like yet another rejection of her family by yours and trigger the same sort of reaction.
It may be that you shouldn’t be in the bridal party, but I would talk to her (in person – no phone or text), to hash out your feelings around the subject before making a decision.
Post # 12
Member
6009 posts
Bee Keeper
This is completely normal behavior for her. Typically, I just let it go; I try not to let these things bother me because I know this is just a part of her personality and it’s not like I can change her.
This time is different. I guess what I’m most upset about is the fact that she hasn’t tried to fix the situation at all. She refused to talk to me after my daughter was born no matter how many times I called or emailed. She hasn’t even tried to meet my daughter, and honestly, that hurts a lot. I know that I shouldn’t let this create a permanent gap between us; I am just not over it enough to apologize, much less have a civil conversation with her. Ugh. I’m just not at the point where I can rationally and calmly talk to her about this, yet.
Post # 13
Member
3709 posts
Sugar bee
I think that before you decide anything, you should talk to her. Six months is a long time to go without talking to a sibling…even if you had a fight. Maybe inviting you to be in the wedding party (demanding might be a better word) is a way for her to break the ice. This could be an opportunity for your daughter to get to know her aunt and vice versa.
Post # 14
Member
5823 posts
Bee Keeper
I remember this story! I remember thinking she was totally crazy and over-reactive.
I would e-mail her and ask for an apology for what she did six months ago. Explain how much it hurt, and that it really changed how you view your relationship with her. If she apologizes, I think you should just accept and be her Maid/Matron of Honor. I think you could say you’re honored that she wants Addie to be the Flower Girl, but is there any other little girl she could ask instead? If she doesn’t apologize, then I would decline. Attend the wedding, yes (because you may reconcile in ten years and it would be sad to miss the wedding completely). But not as her Maid/Matron of Honor.
I think it’s Drama Queen BS that she’s suddenly asking you to support her when she actively DIDN’T support you. And it seems like she’s setting you up to look like the bad guy. Be prepared for another immature FB attack.
Post # 15
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
yewwwwwww the drama llama is in your home!!!!
I think a chat’s in order. Let her know you want to talk about what happened 6 months. If she gets irrational, just tell her your relationship has changed and you would prefer to be a guest.
BUT, i also think she could be trying to move past the incident (as awkwardly and poorly as she’s doing it) by telling you you’re going to be her Maid/Matron of Honor and Addie will be her flowergirl. Like it’s all forgotten. Except, not so much in any rational person’s head.
Post # 16
Member
6009 posts
Bee Keeper
First of all, MS, your siggy makes me smile. 🙂
Secondly, I know you guys are right. I need to just talk to her. Like JamaicaBride and ejs said, maybe this is her attempt at resolving things… First, I need to get to the point where just thinking about it doesn’t cause my blood pressure to rise.