Post # 1
This is a long story, but I’ll try my best to shorten it. My mother and I have a long history of fighting and then not talking to each other for a month or two. Then we kiss and make up, and it’ll happen again after several months. It’s been taxing on my emotions and highly stressful. So, when my FH and I decided to have a super small wedding (30 guests at the max) I had to tell my mother that her siblings weren’t invited. She blew a gasket and in the end told me to forget her and her family ever existed. Instead of handling the entire situation like a calm adult, she blew up and acted incredibly immature. She cursed at me and called me names while I tried to explain that we just couldn’t afford ten extra people. Quite frankly, we’re Italian and in my family you can’t just invite aunts and uncles without inviting great aunts/uncles and every cousin under the sun. In that respect, I’m glad my parents are divorced and we don’t talk to my father’s (also large) family.
I did make an attempt to reconcile with my mother and told her that I’m tired of our cyclical relationship and I truly want to work on bettering our relationship. She still said the same things as before and then blamed me for cutting her and her family out of my life. I’m tired of the back and forth and I’m tired of her crazy, delusional behavior. Her family doesn’t really talk to me and we’ve never been close. Same goes for my sister—we’re friendly, but we’ve never confided in each other like sisters should. I also refuse to invite her family just because she said I have to (she’s not paying) and if I were them I wouldn’t come anyway because I’d know it was an obligational invite.
Despite all that, I only have two issues.
First, we’re getting ready to order and send out invitations and I’m worried that my mother will come around after we’ve sent them. I know I don’t need to send her an invitation if this happens, but I’m wondering if I should send her one anyway as a good faith offering. I don’t want to do this for two reasons. 1- I don’t want her to assume that I’m ready to kiss and make up when I really want a commitment from her to work on our relationship. 2- If we get friendly and then she picks a fight closer to the wedding, I’m not going to want her to come
Second, how can I handle the questions from guests and Future In-Laws about where my side of the family is?
Post # 3
Oh my goodness. I hear you on the mother issues. My mother is currently estranged and I wish I could just not invite her…but unfortunately she is still married to my father (who I adore)…so I definitely hear ya on this one!!
As for the invite…it’s a tough one. I don’t think there is a right answer. Try to imagine your future and whether or not you will regret inviting/not inviting her. If you say that you want to work on the relationship, then it probably means that you want her there. Why don’t you hold on to the invite for awhile and give yourself a bit of time. Try flipping a coin…I find this usually helps us figure out what we truly want to do (you always end up hoping for one side to fall over the other…). Usually we regret the things we don’t do…If you do end up inviting her just try to keep a distance from her during that day so that it minimizes the likelihood of any horrible interactions.
As for replying to questions…that’s another toughie. First off, it’s really non of their business. Perhaps you could change the subject and they would take the hint? If someone pushes then I would just make up a default white lie…no need to go through all these details on what is susposed to be the happiest day of your life. Perhaps you could ask your fiance to cover this with them beforehand?
Hope it works out for you! Mother issues are never easy…
Post # 4
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
There’s been some major family drama recently between my brother and I. I’ll spare the story for this thread, but I was considering not inviting him, since I didn’t think he’d attend. My Dad said “No, you have to invite your brother.” And he’s right. Despite all the $hit that happened, he’s my family and I love him.
Even if you two are in “fight mode,” I have the feeling you’d still want your Mom at your wedding. Be the adult/bigger person and send her an invitation. I’m not sure my SIL will come to the shower (or maybe even the wedding), but she’s still getting an invite (even though she caused this family rift.) It may be a little catty of me, but when everything is hopefully one day better resolved, I can look back and be ok with how *I* acted.
With only 30 people at the wedding, you can easily give friends and his family a heads up beforehand, if you think that’s needed.
Are you sending out your save the dates, or the invites now? Seems really early for invites.
Post # 5
I think if you are just sending out save the dates you dont need to but when it comes 2 months before the wedding you will have everything in your head better and can send the invite if you choose so.
Post # 6
Thanks for all your input and advice! Here’s the update:
I tried to talk to her and let’s just say that it just didn’t work out. I think she has other issues that are influencing this situation and are causing her to misplace her feelings. I just don’t understand why she has to punish the rest of the family for her stubbornness, but that’s her choice.
I’ve come to the conclusion that she won’t be involved and my family won’t be attending. I’d rather not have the additional stress of her being there on top everything else. Oddly enough, her behavior has made me look at myself. Growing up with such an explosive mother as an example has rubbed off on me and I don’t like it. I’ve decided to work on myself so when I have children I don’t react harshly and push them away like she did. At least there’s something positive coming out of this mess. 🙂
We’re not doing Save-The-Date Cards (we think they’re wasteful) so we’re just sending out invitations earlier than expected. Only six of our guests are local so we want to give everyone else plenty of time for them to make travel arrangements. I understand the purpose of Save-The-Date Cards, but I just can’t bring myself to spend the money on them.
Post # 7
@SassyWriter813: I’m not inviting my mother and don’t feel one bit of regret. We haven’t spoken for a few months and last year we were on and off in terms of speaking and I got tired of her drama. I was too young to recognize the signs when I first got married but now that it’s my second marriage, its deja vu all over again. I’m wiser and stronger and I don’t want to be stressed out on my wedding day anymore than i need to be. She would make a spectacle and ruin the whole thing. I’d be so worried about what she might do or say that I wouldn’t enjoy myself.
Post # 8
I’m the same with my entire family. My parents are mentally ill and their familes are seriously messed up/not around in any positive way. In your situation, I would order an invite for her just in case she comes around but don’t send it unless that happens. Then you could just give it to her to show her you were hoping it would get better. But a word to the wise…my mother had a melt down and caused huge family drama at my sister’s wedding a couple years ago. While my sister is able to remember the good parts of her day/weekend, it was ruined. My father, who is now mentally ill after dealing with my mom for 30+ years, made it all worse because he just didn’t handle it like he should’ve and they ended up blaming us for all of it. It was actually after all of that that we became estranged.
So, my advice is to tread lightly. This day is about you and your fiance and no on else has the right to insert their bs into it. Hold your ground. If people can’t behave and add to your day, they come subtract from it. While you want things to get better, maybe it won’t be in time before your wedding. (I don’t know how close it is). It sounds like there are major issues that probably require extensive work before it starts to get better and that is a 2-way street. Even more than that, she is the parent and should act like it. We all can be understanding for the struggles people go with; but they are responsible for properly dealing with them and no one has to be understanding when they don’t.
Sorry if I’m over stepping or maybe projecting too much onto your situation. It just sounds very similar and I don’t want anyone to have to deal with the drama before or during their big day! Good luck!