(Closed) Newly (ish) married and seriously questioning the relationship. Help, please!

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2463 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

i think this is the key part of your post: “I am feeling the need to grow and change and explore (many things that I probably should’ve done in college or after college), but I don’t know how or if I can do that within this relationship”

why do you feel you can’t grow within your marriage? do you feel like your husband is holding you back from your ambitions or needs or not supporting what you feel like you need for yourself? does he know that you feel inhibited? I’d be worried about “throwing in the towel” as you put it without trying to make a change with him first– he probably doesn’t deserve to be blind-sided if he doesn’t know you’re unhappy, or to be used as a scapegoat if the problem is one with sorting out your own needs/desires

Post # 4
Member
1399 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@lookingforadvice77:  You’re right- both you and your husband deserve to love and be loved passionately.

Love is not just a feeling- it’s also a decision. Intense emotions fade if you don’t care for each other and your relationship carefully. You need to maintain communication, do sweet things for each other, make an effort to keep your relationship emotionally and physically active/interesting.

If you feel like you’ve already made that effort and it hasn’t work, or like that effort is not a possibility, I think you owe it to yourself and him to separate.

Post # 5
Member
2555 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

In all honesty, I think you already made up your mind that you want a divorce and just came for support. You have it from me. Both you and him deserve happiness.

Post # 7
Member
3830 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I know a couple going through something very similar to your situation. They met young (i believe in highschool), married young and for the last 2 years the wife has been miserable. She cares deeply for her husband but feels like she has lost herself. 
She has moved out of their house as a trial. If she was unhappy enough to leave then i dont really think she will go back but who knows. They still care about each other and even though it is very difficult for both of them, they have accepted the possibility thier marriage could end. 

I definitely sympathize with you and urge you to work through this in couples counselling. That doesn’t mean you work though it and stay married, but at least make the effort together to try. And then, if the need be, seperating is best. Its not your fault. Obviously you didnt enter the marriage thinking this would happen.  

Post # 8
Member
12 posts
Newbee

People do change and it is important to be happy. I do not think abuse and adultry are the only reasons for divorce. If children are involved, then that’s another factor to consider.

Post # 9
Member
2183 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011 - Florida Aquarium

Can you articulate why you married him? Have those things changed? Are you certain that he wouldn’t support you in these endeavors?

I wouldn’t divorce him without being totally open with him first. Maybe he’d surprise you.

Now, if you just want out, then you just want out and the decision is made.

Post # 10
Member
484 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@lookingforadvice77:  I feel your pain.  I had a very similar experience in that I had a serious relationship from age 17-22.  I felt the same way you felt, that he was my first boyfriend, that I didn’t love him passionately, and that even though it was very hard at the time, breaking up was the best thing to do.  I’m so glad we did because looking back on it, he was never the right person for me and I moved on to experiment a little, date around, have fun… and of course, meet the person I believe I was meant to be with all along, and now I’m marrying him and couldn’t be happier.

Of course, your situation is different in that you are actually married.  Divorce is a big deal.  It’s not as easy as just breaking up.  That doesn’t mean it’s not the right answer in your situation.

I don’t know what other bees will have to say on this subject, I suspect my opinion may be in the minority, but reading through what you said… this is not a situation that counseling or more time together will resolve.  You’re still young.  As painful as it is going to be, I think you should look seriously at the idea of splitting up.  The longer you wait, the harder it will be for both you and your husband when you eventually realize you can’t take it anymore.  You don’t sound happy and it’s not fair to either of you for you to stay in a relationship where you are not happy.  After time has healed some of the pain, you’ll feel free to go out and meet the man that you will be able to love passionately forever. 

Post # 11
Member
9142 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

Have you talked to your therapist about having a joint session with your husband so that you can address your concerns?  Marriages are not sunshine and fireworks 24/7; it is work from time to time to maintain your relationship.  I don’t think your marriage is completely doomed, you just need to feel comfortable communicating with your husband about your needs.  Increased communication and understanding as well as expanding yourself by experiencing new things (together and apart) can inject passion back into your marriage.

Post # 12
Member
732 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

It possible to grow and change and explore with your husband..Im getting married young and we plan on keeping things exciting, random trips, go see the world ( i know this wont be possible allll the time but every  so often would be lovely=D). Not right now but once we’re older.. Maybe that’s all you need? take a nice trip, somewhere you’ve always wanted to go! I dont think divorce is the first thing that should come to mind in any situation..other than abuse, but thats just me. Try talking to him about planning something exciting, and if that doesnt help then try something else, and remamber communication is key in any relationship. I hope everything works out

Post # 13
Member
1685 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I went through a period like that myself (I refer to it as my quarter-life-crisis period).

Fortunately for me, I wasn’t married, and we could break up.  We did end up getting back together after a year.

Regarding the question of why you can’t grow within your marriage, it’s because you can’t really learn about yourself when your identity is so closely tied to someone else.  It’s periods when you are stuck outside of your comfort zone that you really learn your own character.  Your SO is your comfort zone.  (Obviously people will disagree with me, but this has been my own experience)

I don’t really have any solid advice for you, but I wanted to say that this is normal.  I’m happy I took the time to discover myself in my 20s and I think overall it saved my relationship with my Fiance in the long run.  Unfortunately, you aren’t in a position where you can walk away easily and your circumstances are completely different from mine.  So really, what matters now it what you want.

Is this need/feeling/desire worth losing your marriage over?

Post # 14
Member
9578 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

I had similar feelings with my first serious boyfriend (17-21).  He was probably months away from proposing when I broke up with him.  I was lucky enough to realize he wasn’t the right one for me before this happened. 

I just knew I didn’t even want to be with him, at all.  I wanted to explore what else was out there because deep down I think I knew that this wasn’t the person I was meant to marry.  I had moved on internally months before I ended it.  There was no way I could have “grown with him,” as some people put it.  I am a completely different person today than I was when I was 20 (as far basic views on life go- such as religion, culture, etc).

I think when it comes down to it…I had settled by dating him in the first place.  I was young and I thought I needed a boyfriend (I had never had one!), and hey, there one was who was available and willing as well as nice, caring, etc.  But that didn’t mean he was the right person for me, personality and outlook-wise. 

After I broke up with my first boyfriend, I dated many, many people and it took me many years to understand what I want, need, and deserve out of a relationship.

As a result of that…I was happy on my own as my own, whole person (apart from a relationship) long before I met my fiance, and I believe that helped a lot.  I didn’t need a relationship, and I didn’t need a marriage to fulfill any goals in my life.  That meant I had no reason to ever settle for something less.  It’s not always fireworks and flowers for me and my fiance, but at the end of the day I know he is perfect for me.

Can you explain where and in what aspects you feel inhibited?  If it is something like needing more excitement, or traveling, etc…that is something that you can work on together.  Or…do you think your husband is not the right person for you and that there is someone else out there who would be better? 

Since you’re married I think you owe him the truth.  I think you should be entirely truthful with him and see how he reacts to it.  It might surprise you, or maybe you’ll still feel the same way.  But I think you owe it to your marriage to at least have everything out in the open.  Go to counseling together.  If it doesn’t work and you still feel the same, then so be it.  But at least you will have tried.  Either way, you (and him) don’t deserve to stay in an unhappy marriage.

Post # 16
Member
927 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I’m 26, and feel like mid-late 20s are a time when you question just about every life decision. I tend to have short bursts of the feelings you described…like life is slipping away and I’ve not travelled or done so many things I wanted to by now. What helps me is to remember all the good things in my life, even the “boring” stuff. I am more than willing to give up some of my dreams for the man I love, but it’s not always easy. A good marriage is where you both decide every day to sacrifice for each other. Do you ever consider what he may feel he gave up for you?

I am pretty anti-divorce, but you both deserve to be happy with your lives. If you’ve tried everything and it’s not possible in this marriage, then that’s nothing to be ashamed of. But I do think he deserves to know how your feeling, and to be given the opportunity to work on things with you. You owe him that much. Passion comes and goes. You took vows with him, so please don’t give up on the marriage before you’ve really tried everything. Most of what you wrote sounds like you are unhappy with yourself & where you’re at, even the best husband in the world can’t make you 100% happy. See if there’s new areas of life you can explore within your marriage that will make you happy…& who knows, he may even be feeling the same way and want to join you on some new adventures.

I wish you all the best and really hope you find happiness. If your husband really is “an amazing man–smart, creative, kind, responsible” then I’m sure he wants you to be happy too & will help you with what you’re going through.

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