(Closed) Newly (ish) married and seriously questioning the relationship. Help, please!

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 109
Member
3423 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

So sorry.  Cannot imagine how you are feeling.  I wish there was some magical wand to make relationships perfect, but there isn’t.  The most telling thing you write is:

“I’m willing to try, but it’s because I feel that it’s the right thing to do, not because I actually want to try.”

If you don’t want to don’t.  I know that is easier said then done. But everyone should want to be with the person they are with.

 

Post # 111
Member
101 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

I just read your post and I wanted to say I’m sorry you’re going through this. I think this could have very easily had been me. I met my ex when I was 19, and we dated for six years. If he had proposed to me in that time frame (well, not that last year), I probably would have said yes, and then I would be right where you are. I loved him and we had a lot in common. We were good friends. He loved me, treated me well, had a great job. But there was no real sexual attraction.

Luckily, he didn’t propose, and I came to realize that I wasn’t in love with him anymore. I tried for about a year to make it work, but in the end I felt a lot like you. Not so much with the growth part, but more that I just didn’t want to be with him anymore. He wasn’t the man I wanted to share the rest of my life with.

I’ve been with my current BF for a few years now, and it’s SO different. I thought I was truly happy in the first few years I dated my ex, but it just wasn’t the same feeling as my current relationship. And, no, I’m not just referring to passion. I’m referring to how all the mundane, boring, trivial life things are just WONDERFUL, because I’m sharing them all with him. He’s truly the man I can envision growing old with.

I know you’re married, and the situation is more complicated. But, marriage isn’t magic. Feelings aren’t going to come just because you’re married. If you want to try to make it work, then do! But it doesn’t sounds like you want to. So, do you stay with a guy you’re not happy with and risk the both of you becoming miserable and bitter? Or do you leave, and risk regretting it? Obviously, only you can answer that, but I just wanted to share my experience. Just please don’t only stay because you’re married. Stay because you really want to work it out with him.

 

Post # 112
Member
14 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@lanalnoco:   I completely agree. Those butterfly feelings do fade overtime, but can be reactivated at timesSmile  It takes quality time and listening to eachother. And I hope you and your spouse can work it out…I reallly do. Hang in there! 

Post # 113
Member
85 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I know I’m a little late to the thread but hopefully this will still get read. I know exactly the situation you’re in because my best friend faced a similar situation with her husband. They got married at 22 (we’re now 31), and the romance had faded before they’d gotten married. He’s a wonderful guy, she’s a sweet girl who just started questioning if she wanted more (he was her second boyfriend).  

Here was what she did — she took a month long ‘sabbatical’ and went to travel in Asia. She came back with (ahem, sorry) sex toys.  You say you’re not passionate about your man, but some good crazy sex will solve that. My friend raved about the vibrating uh, ring…. anyway. 

So that’s my advice.  Maybe a couple’s counselor (because talking will help if you have issues), a vacation by yourself where you’re totally alone and dont speak for 30 days, and sex toys.  I would give it another 3-6 months. 

Otherwise, I think everyone else on the thread said this but…. because you’ve always had him, you have NO IDEA how awful dating is…. how men will just have sex with you and never call you again, how lonely you will feel…. then you find someone and give your heart and he cheats on you six months into it…… do NOT fool yourself into thinking that this time next year you’ll be blissfully in love with the man of your dreams. Finding someone who will appreciate your uniqueness and love you … it’s SO hard to find. It is rare, and it is precious. I would really be reluctant to let go of it.

Post # 114
Member
241 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

You two made vows that probably included “for better or for worse” and also most likely “till death do us part”. Neither one of you is dead – its time to get through the “for worse”.

If you feel that the “feeling” of love has faded – thats because it does. its takes WORK – HARD work to not just keep a realtionship together, but to keep the love going.

What do you want/need to do to to “grow/change/explore” that you cannot do with him or at least while on your own but still being married to him? I can’t think of anything short of rampant sex/dating that you would need to be single to participate in…

If you feel that you need to date other people – then think about what it is that you want to find in someone else that he is not giving you – and TELL him that. and have him tell you if there is anything that you can do for him. 

*edit* after reading your latest update I would STRONGLY like to recomend that you and he both look into the books “The Love Dare” and also “The 5 Love Languages” it could just be that he doesnt speak your love language and doesnt know how to give you the love that will spark your own towards him. Both of these books have saved a number of marriages if the revies and testimonials are anything to be believed.

I am BEGGING you to look into these books and give them a read before you make the decision to get divorced. 

The Love Dare is basically a (30 day I think) dare to demonstrate love to your partner – you can both do it. Some things are small and easy – others may be harder. But PLEASE give it a try – 30 days of doing what a book says isnt a big price to pay to possibly save your marriage – right??

and The 5 Love languages is about how everyone has something different that “speaks love” to them. There is a quiz on their website to find out what yours is, and their book goes into how to learn to “speak” the language of someone else if their primary love language is not the one that you speak.

Post # 115
Member
3423 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@elletiger:  Wow that’s some aweful advise. 

“Don’t leave your guy becasue dating his hard and you will get hurt, this is probably the happiest you can be so just deal with it.”

I hope you don’t feel like that about your relationship

 

View original reply
@lookingforadvice77:  

People change a lot during college and I think that’s the #1 reason early relationships don’t work our forever.  I got engaged to my college b/f only to feel miserable about the wedding.  Then I met my now husband and it was messy with cheating and all so that’s really not a path I recommend either.  But if I hadn’t had met him while still engaged I prob whould have gotten married to him and probably felt like you feel.

I’m not going to tell you to leave or stay you ahve to decide for yourself and figure out what will make you happy – in the end that is what’s important.

Post # 116
Member
85 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@Atalanta – no, I was merely pointing out the “grass may not be that green here but you have no idea if it actually IS greener outside of your bubble” syndrome. I think if you re-read through the prior posts you will see a shocking number of Bees who were with abusive, manipulative men, or those who lied, or even ones who have addictions beyond their control.

 To my mind, solving the physical intimacy (or lack therof) goes a long long way toward solving the feeling that they’ve grown apart and that there is no romance.

The OP here wants to leave with all her heart and if she can’t work past that feeling she should. I have certainly done that myself previously. I think her taking couple’s therapy is a positive step, but it is only one step in a long list of possible solutions.  I don’t think it’s fair to leave while saying “I’ve done everything I can” when that is not the case…. it’s more accurate to say “There is more I could do to work on the marriage, and if I did those things it may help, however I’m don’t want to do that… I just want out.”

 

Post # 117
Member
4560 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I’m so sorry that you are even more confused. I just want to clarify that the Magic I was talking about isn’t butterflies and rainbows. The butterflies have faded for DH and I, but there is a bond that is there. Even when he drives me crazy, I love him soooo much. And the sex is infrequent (we have it early 40’s syndrome and the hormones just arent as active), but when we do it’s amazing. But we are affectionate and touchy. 

I’d also like to point out–good relationships aren’t hard work (I hate when people say that). Tey take effort (and at times, hard effort, but it shouldnt be work). Do  you have a hobby that you love? I love sewing. In order for me to complete a project, I have to put effort into it. There are times that I have to rip seams out, resew it, and rip the seam out again. It is so frustrating for a 5 min task to take 3 hours. I’ve thrown my project across the room in anger. But I still love to do it. And pick up the project the first chance I get. It’s effort, but not hard work. 

But gardening–I like the idea of gardening, I read about it, I plan for it. But when it comes down to doing it–UGH. That is hard work. I’ll do it for awhile, but even when it’s easy and all I have to do is water something, it’s just hard work and I dont want to do it. 

Is your marriage effort or hard work?

I understand you want to work on this because you think  you should (that’s what a good person would do). But how does this fit with your ‘dont rock the boat’ syndrome that has locked you into this life? 

If you want to work on this, I think  you should still separate and live in different places. I think you need the space. You are so stressed and confused and just having him breathng you air is prob too much. Once on your own, you can date each other without the stress of daily living.

Good Luck!

Post # 118
Member
504 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@lookingforadvice77:  I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your story and your struggles here, and thank you to everyone else who posted advice and stories.  Reading this thread has been both heartbreaking and enlightening, and it may even have changed my mind about some things.  I have always thought that marriage is forever, that commitment can overcome everything, love and passion can be cultivated, and divorce is never an option.  In fact I think about love and marriage very logically, the same way as your husband does.  (He actually sounds very similar to my husband too.)  But now I wonder if maybe I only think that way about marriage because my marriage is one of the “magic” ones.

If I were in your shoes, I would fight for the marriage and for the good man who is your husband.  But I can also say this: I come from a broken home so I know what it’s like to enter adulthood and crave stability, comfort, consistency.  I was able to find in my husband, who was my first serious relationship, both stability and passion.  There are many times when I have thought about how lucky I am, not only to have met my husband, but also to have met him early.  Because I know that I would have settled for far less.  I could easily have married someone who was not nearly as perfect for me, simply because I wanted to settle down and I didn’t know that a man like my husband existed.  I probably would have been content with that, but I’m so glad that I never had the chance to do so.  I never imagined that I would find someone who is so compatible with me, who I have such crazy chemistry with, and is also 100% committed to keeping our marriage strong.  And I want that for you too.

Also, do you know about Myers-Briggs personality types?  I would highly recommend reading up on them and figuring out yours and your husband’s types.  I have a hunch that many of your differences come from a fundamental difference in the way you view the world, due to your personality types.  There are some good resources out there on understanding different types and making them work within a marriage.

You are definitely between a rock and a hard spot, and you are handling it so well.  I fully support whatever you decide to do, and I hope you keep us updated.  You seem like an awesome person and I feel like we would be friends in real life.  I wish I could give you a hug for going through all this!  

PS, I also love the way you write.

Post # 119
Member
158 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

@lookingforadvice77:  So I lied… I looked at your threads tonight rather than tomorrow.  I remember reading all of your threads prior to having an account and thinking, “I get it.”

 

So, I don’t know which of my posts you have read, but most of them will tell you that, like yourself, I know what it is like to grow up too fast and be the one that is always okay.  I never thought I would let myself get into a serious relationship until I was 30ish and accomplished because I owed it to myself to be free and let loose without having to worry about anyone else, and I knew if I did get into one that I would likely get married due to my loyalty, dedication, and ability to pick decent people.  I was successful (flirting and fleeing when they asked for more) until my fiancé popped into my life, and after trying to flee, for some reason that I still don’t understand, I let myself take a chance.  Just like your husband, my fiancé is the dependable, smart, stable, mature person that was so refreshing and easy to be around compared to all of the examples that fickle, irresponsible parental figures set.  It makes sense on paper (because they are the missing piece that we desired growing up), but is it right?

 

My fiancé and I have been together for five years and he is an easy target for me to take my frustrations out on because he just listens and lets me get out all of the nasty, brutally honest thoughts that I have.  I have felt a version of your doubts for the entire middle of my relationship; however, I have always been honest, almost selfishly so, about my doubts with my fiancé.  And for someone who has never gone through anything significantly dramatic in his life, he is amazingly strong and supportive, never holding anything against me—it has always been easy to be with him and love him.  It is definitely not the fight hard, love hard relationship that I thought passionate love was—it is a slow burn for me.  Every time I would wind myself up with doubts, I would eventually come down to the fact that I was not happy and wanted to be alone.  I blamed my fiancé and myself for taking the “easy” path of a relationship versus first proving to myself that I could make it in the “real” world by myself, but then I knew that I could and was just trying to get approval from everyone else by shoving it in their face (as being a doctor protected me from people who wanted to think I was stupid or just take a chunk out of me). So, then I started realizing that everything I did in my life was for everyone else and that I had no clue how to make myself happy.  Realizing that my fiancé, talking, writing, dreaming (about making it to my next goal when I would start being happy and living/adventuring), and reading romance novels were the only things that I knew made me happy, was a wakeup call; I had spent most of my life waiting for my turn to be selfish and self-absorbed in my pursuits for happiness.  I still struggle with choosing what I’d like to do versus what I know the safe and smart option is, but it is my fiancé who always tells me to just let go and do whatever the heck it is that I want to do—he has my back when I say I’m travelling to Scotland to see if I want to move away (and leave him) forever because he a) knows I’ll come back and b) wants me to be happy at any cost.  I never did go wild and crazy, but I have finally let loose.

 

The reason I tell you all of this is because, no one can tell from your description whether or not your relationship is right; however, I think our situations are likely very similar.  I think you need to be sure that it isn’t your personal happiness (outside of your husband and marriage) that is making you doubt your relationship.  You have to be a person capable of happiness to expect it from relationships that you’re engaged with.  You mentioned not getting time to be young and go wild; well, what is it that you want to do in life that you don’t think you can do with a husband?  Make a list, talk to your husband about it, and then do the most important ones—he needs to support you in this.  See if the sense of accomplishment and testing of the waters makes you feel happier in your relationship.  Do not do anything half-way, go balls to the wall as I so classily like to put it.  Think of it as a process of elimination.

 

Now, if it turns out that you are still unhappy with your relationship and helping yourself has not improved anything (especially, alongside therapy), than it is time to look seriously at divorce.  I think you could find someone who you will be happier with, but I think it’ll be due in large part to the fact that you had time to yourself to do whatever you want.  Marriage should not be restricting, which is the message that you are sending—it should be freeing.  Now that I have started thinking about big choices in terms of what I really want to do, not what the right choice is, I am leaps and bounds happier and without doubts about getting married.  When I think of my relationship now, it is like floating without fear or worry, when before it felt like I was putting myself into a straightjacket (because of how I would work myself up over it).  From the sounds of it, as others have stated, you are looking at this like there is no room to grow in your relationship–the cliché is true that you both need to grow, but together.  If he doesn’t want to support your growth, then that is his own problem; as your husband, he should only want you to be happy and willing to help you get there.  From what I can tell, I think what you need right now is a cheerleader, so your hubby needs to get out his pompoms while you make that list and start communicating with him about your needs.

 

I could be totally off base and making too many assumptions and reflections from the little that you described outside of your relationship, but I think this pointed focus on your relationship may be a sign for you to consider (and what tipped me off that you are probably taking, at least some, outside frustrations out on your safest relationship like I did).  It may be time to take a break from focusing so much on your relationship as the sole cause of your unhappiness and instead, let your therapy sessions explore other possible causes.  You don’t need anyone’s permission to do anything.  This is your life and it is too short to be miserable, so if it’s a divorce you think you need then do whatever the eff you want to to make the change that you believe will make you happy—you are in charge here.  I can tell that you are very intelligent because you are looking for other ways to look at this while also trying to take a rough estimate of the odds that this will work itself out versus end (for reassurance), but I think we both know that none of us on this forum can tell you what to do in your marriage.  Just remember, everything will be okay as long as you are honest and brave in your decisions—that may mean leaving, it may mean leaving and realizing that you shouldn’t have (and trying to get him back), or it may even mean realizing that he is not the problem but the outlet.  If you keep trying, you’ll figure it out—I have complete faith in saying this after reading how gracefully and thoughtfully you explain yourself and respond to the different ideas on here.  You’ve got this girl!

Post # 121
Member
698 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@lookingforadvice77:  I was in your shoes once. Thank GOD that relationship didn’t turn into a marriage, although I look back now in terror at the bullet that I dodged by him not proposing, because I would have said yes. 

From ages 18-21 while all of my friends were out drinking, jet setting and indulging in whatever they wanted, I was a homebody learning how to cook, clean, budget, have perfect attendance at work and live a sexless albeit stable life. I should have known that something was not right when I had to hide the fact that I took a puff of this or a drink at so-and-so’s house. I would sneak and wear sexy clothes when I was out because I felt so rejected at home. And in my young brain, I reasoned that the dichotomy could exist between a committed marriage for security (he wasn’t going to go out and cheat on me, or leave me homeless) and a fun life outside of the home and inside of my mind, a double personality. 

But I grew up and realized that leading a double life is the most awful thing you can do to yourself. I thought I loved this guy and that he was my best friend, but as I realized that a *best friend* should accept all of you, I grew to resent him. By the time I finally came out and asked him to leave, despite his begging to stay and bitterly trying to convince me that no one will love me like he did, I almost hated him. After several years he was a good guy, an amazing guy, my family mourned over him, but he was so bad for me. 

It’s taken me several years after that to learn that true love is about being “known fully, even as you are fully known.” If you ever feel as if there is a you that is in your relationship, and then there is a you inside of your head, and the two have different needs and dreams and desires, you are in the wrong relationship. To be one whole person is a beautiful feeling that I never even knew existed until I met my Fiance.

 

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