(Closed) Newly (ish) married and seriously questioning the relationship. Help, please!

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 122
Member
29 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@lookingforadvice77:  Take it from me. Divorce is an ugly, emotionally draining ordeal – not to mention incredibly expensive. But if you are in the wrong relationship, it’s better to end it now before you have kids, a house, etc.  If you’ve been in therapy and you’re still unhappy with the way your life is going, GET OUT NOW.  

I have been in your exact shoes. I met my ex-husband when I was 19 – he was my second serious boyfriend. We never should have been married, but at by the time I was 25 and had dragged out our engagement for four years, he told me I had to marry him or break up with him. I was terrified to leave the stability of the relationship, so I married him. It backfired in the worst way. After all the excitement of the wedding wore off, I realized I was miserable. It ultimately poisioned the entire marriage for both of us.  Yes, the divorce was sad and I second guessed myself many times as I moved out of our apartment and struck out on my own. But that struggle allowed me to grow and find myself: and the man I was truly meant to be with. It also allowed my ex to find someone who could love him in the way he deserved – it was a better ending for everyone involved. 

Post # 123
Member
315 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@sablemuse:  

From ages 18-21 while all of my friends were out drinking, jet setting and indulging in whatever they wanted, I was a homebody learning how to cook, clean, budget, have perfect attendance at work and live a sexless albeit stable life. I should have known that something was not right when I had to hide the fact that I took a puff of this or a drink at so-and-so’s house. I would sneak and wear sexy clothes when I was out because I felt so rejected at home. And in my young brain, I reasoned that the dichotomy could exist between a committed marriage for security (he wasn’t going to go out and cheat on me, or leave me homeless) and a fun life outside of the home and inside of my mind, a double personality. 

But I grew up and realized that leading a double life is the most awful thing you can do to yourself. I thought I loved this guy and that he was my best friend, but as I realized that a *best friend* should accept all of you, I grew to resent him. By the time I finally came out and asked him to leave, despite his begging to stay and bitterly trying to convince me that no one will love me like he did, I almost hated him. After several years he was a good guy, an amazing guy, my family mourned over him, but he was so bad for me.

Wow, I could have written pretty much all of that myself, word for word. Unfortunately in my situation it did lead to marriage. Big mistake.

Hope you’re doing well, OP. 🙂

Post # 124
Member
698 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Miss Sorbet: ((BIG HUGS!))

I look at it this way, I didn’t make as huge of mistakes as some of my friends during their young days (experimenting with harder drugs and unhealthy sex) so maybe in some way the universe was giving me a leg up.

Post # 125
Member
85 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Reading this I got teary-eyed. I feel like I know you. Lol. You sound a lot like my sister. (Don’t worry you’re not, she’s not married)

 

First off, let me say that I am so sorry to hear that you’re going through this tough time. Secondly, I want to share something with you that I learned a few years ago that really woke me up.

 

Love is a choice, not just a feeling. I think it is safe to say that all of us wives out there don’t feel passionately in love with our husbands all the time. There are times when my husband drives me insane. It’s at these times when I remind myself that I have something wonderful. I have a man who is honest, sweet, caring, faithful and loving who chose to marry me. I think about how when I was younger and I would pray that I would marry a good man and I make the choice to view my husband that way. I choose to see him for his good qualities, I choose to see him for all the things I did before we got married.

 

If you’re craving passion, you need to communicate that with your husband. Take a vacation, alone, without the kids (if you have any) make a point to be goofy and lovey. Buy new lingerie. Surprise your husband with his favorite dinner. Make love randomly in the middle of a Sunday afternoon in your living room. I’m sure your husband won’t reject that idea. LOL

 

What I’m saying is, if your marriage is lacking passion it doesn’t mean that it’s a doomed marriage and it’s bound to be boring and stable and BLAH until you die. You have the power to change it into what you want it to be.

 

Go on dates, be spontaneous. If it means playing hooky from work once in a while-DO IT. Everyone is allowed a trip to the dentist twice a year aren’t they? Tell your boss you need half a day off to get a root canal and go do something with your hubby!

 

If your marriage isn’t passionate it’s not your marriage’s fault. YOU have the power to make it as passionate as you’d like.

 

If you want to travel. Go traveling. With your husband!

 

The key here is to communicate with him how you’re feeling. Tell him what you’re craving. What you desire.

 

Don’t get trapped in the lie that you “fell out of love”

The topic ‘Newly (ish) married and seriously questioning the relationship. Help, please!’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors