Post # 1
I think my case is fairly unique. I left my job teaching in China to come home and create a good life for my wife and I. We got married about 8 months ago. Since then, it’s been a struggle. She has worked hard and saved a lot of money but I’ve struggled to find decent full time employment.
Well, 2 weeks ago she decided it was too hard here and went back to China for 2 months to have a break and visit all of her friends and family. Her parents are quite poor so she bought them a dog and an electric scooter.
I’ve been left here to find full time employment on my own. It is pretty hard as it is the longest that we will have been without each other for the whole 3 years that we have been together.
She is also planning to use the savings to take them on overseas travel. She has also invited a friend to join her so she won’t be lonely. I felt left out by that. She didn’t offer to invite me. See, we made plans to do a lot of nice travel and she promised that we would go to Japan. Well, instead she is going to take her friend and might be heading there.
Being left on my own here feels relly bad after all the sacrifices and effort I made to get her out here to live with me and get married.
I guess it is the feeling of being left out at the moment. I’m stuck here on my own. She told me just before she left that I should stay here in our crappy one bedroom apartment meanwhile she has a good time – that’s apparently my punishment for not having full time employment. And we haven’t even been on our honeymoon yet!
I just feel envious that she can go and have a good time whilst I’m stuck here due to poor finances. I don’t feel like we are married.
Anyone got any horror stories like this after just marrying?
Post # 3
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
Sounds pretty bad. Have you talked to her about it? It seems a bit odd that you’re not even a year into your marriage and she’s off in another country visiting family and friends for two months? It sounds like she’s on vacation from you and your marriage and you have a right to know what’s going on.
Post # 4
@beachbride1216: Tell me about it! She decided to leave for 2 months because she missed her family and the food back home. What is hurting me is hearing that she is going to enjoy herself travelling and having a good time.
I knew she was going to take her parents somewhere nice. But I am unhappy that a friend is going to join her now too. Travelling with friends and having a good time. She completely forgot me back here and thinks I should stay here, get work and get a better place to live.
I am now resentful of her and want to consider separation.
Post # 5
@beachbride1216: Apologies for the ranting. I am just feeling really down and out about my work situation. So, naturally feel jealous that she was able to take off and have a good time!
My parents were trying to convince me to concentrate on finding full time employment and using the money to find somewhere better to live.
To forget her andd let her go and have fun. Just it stirs up jealousy and I find it hard to sleep without her. To rub salt into the wounds, she says that she could have bought a cheaper second ticket but there was nowhere for me to stay with her.
Finally, would it have been better to leave her here to suffer? No of course not! She is with her family and familiar surrounds now. We have had a rough life since moving back.
Oh, and I remind myself that I’m young and will get plenty of chances to travel in the future. So, if I don’t get to these other countries, I will in the future!
Just unsure if I will take my wife after this. What if she was a stay at home wife? I guess I could turn the tables on her and go on holiday without her.
Post # 6
@soul83: I think that’s a good point — if she was the one that was out of work and bummed about it, and you took off on an awesome vacation without her, that would look awful! “Hey, while I’m gone, make yourself useful and get a job to support me when I get back. Cheers!”
I don’t really have any advice except to agree that this sounds awfully unfair
Post # 7
Maybe both of you guys could just move back to China. It sounds like she really misses it there, and maybe you can still get your old job back…
Post # 8
That is sorta odd. FI traveled back home and asked if I wanted to come at least. I agree move back to China maybe? That way your both happier.
Post # 9
Are there perhaps cultural issues that are complicating things? If you are native Australian and she is native Chinese, then your upbringings and customs may be very different. It may be worth looking into how deep a role your cultures play in your personalities and values, and how that translates to relationship styles.
Not “blaming” things on different ethnic or cultural backgrounds; there are tons of happy multi-cultural couples all around the world! But it does take a bit more understanding of those cultural values to make a relationship work.
Post # 10
This sounds like this is something that can only being solved between the two of you. Is she homesick and finding excuses not to go back to australia? Is she blameing you or resenting you for not having a good job so feels the grass is greener on the other side? Has she maybe decided that she doesn’t want to live in australia but doesn’t want to tell you? Is she totally oblivious to the fact that she is hurting you? It could be anything, there is no way to know without talking with her directly.
Post # 11
@fishbone: I agree with you on this! That is what I was thinking as I was reading the situation.
OP, so sorry you are going through this! Do your best to keep your spirits up! Do you have any friends nearby that you could perhaps go out for a coffee with or have a meal just to get out and do something for you? I hope you take care of you as best you can despite the stress you are feeling.
Post # 12
I don’t know why she is insisting on taking friends with her. She promised that the money was to save for a house. Instead she is spending it away. It is hard to watch someone you sacrificed so much for going and having a good time and leaving you behind. I agreed to her going to spend time with her family. We were worried about her health.Now she tells me that she will take a friend to go travelling. What about me? No she doesn’t want to move back to China even though I would love to. I hate my life and I’m tired of being left behind. I now see my wife as just another person getting on with life, so it is time for me to get on with my life now.
Post # 13
We have had a lot of problems in this year upcoming being “married”. I do not feel we really every got to enjoy that. A lot of stuff happened over this past year. Marriage is nothing to take lightly. You guys must figure out how to fix this. It sounds like to me she is homesick and is upset you are unemployed. I feel bad for you that they get to travel and you don’t. You have to talk to your wife.
Post # 14
Well, she seemed fairly happy to be home when I webcam chatted with her this morning. I had a rough night of not much sleep 🙁
Her mum came over and talked to me briefly too. I was called clingy when I mentioned that I wanted to travel with her. Though she was affectionate and acting like her usual self today. Calling me dear, blowing kisses and saying she loves me. Told me to keep up the effort back here looking for work.
A marriage can’t work without money…so of course I need to concentrate on my future. There’s no questioning that. And I need to let up on myself.
Bugger it. I’ll probably laugh at this post in a few months time when I’ve got full time work and enough income to go travelling in the new year. Then I can make up for all the suffering now.
It’s still eating away at me that she decided to go for so long. Got told not to call her because it is expensive…try and save the money o.o ironic…
But I can see her on the computer every night. Throw in my HTC phone with the mobile messenger and I can chat any time of the day or night when she is online too.
Post # 15
I actually don’t think your case is that unique, it’s just posted under “newlyweds” rather than “intercultural.” I can more relate to your wife’s point of view – I left my country to be with my (now) husband, and the first six months were one of the hardest moments I’ve had to go through. There was a lot with the culture shock, so even though I was forced to return to finish school I needed to go back and take everything in. Part of me wishes that right after school I didn’t take the first plane back to France and that I spent more time with friends and family before I uprooted my life away from them. Now I only see them once a year for maybe two weeks, it really sucks. I love my husband to death, but no one person will ever complete you entirely – I really miss my friends from home. The thing is, there is never a good time to visit home for a long period of time because you are either in the process of establishing yourself, or you are too established that your job won’t let you leave for more than a couple of weeks. I just got married myself, but if I had the means to go back home for 2 months, I would certainly take it. My husband would be ok with it, because he 1. appreciates I need to come up for air every now and then 2. knows I’m coming back.
I think that there are several factors in the mix. As the non expat spouse, I believe you do have more of a responsibility for the well being of the two of you, as in general the expat spouse has much more adjusting to do. I do want to return to the US one day, but I realize that I have to come up with a plan which will ensure we are ok, and my husband’s well being is ok. I also think you are not giving enough credit to cultural issues, as you don’t have to merely adjust to being married, but the backdrop of your relationship has changed.
Please don’t resent your wife, you are all she has in her new home. If my husband started to resent me for all the times I had difficulty adjusting, we certainly would not have made it this far. Yes, you should talk to her and try to work though some of these issues – I think you have a valid point of view, but so does she. Two months is not that long, and she’ll be coming home. There is a good book I’d reccomend called Intercultural Marriage: Promises & Pitfalls. It has a lot of good advice and some of it relates to couples from Eastern and Western cultures.
Hope this helps a little, best of luck.