(Closed) Newly married but facing a few problems

posted 6 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
9139 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

Sounds pretty bad.  Have you talked to her about it?  It seems a bit odd that you’re not even a year into your marriage and she’s off in another country visiting family and friends for two months?  It sounds like she’s on vacation from you and your marriage and you have a right to know what’s going on.

Post # 6
Member
4415 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@soul83:  I think that’s a good point — if she was the one that was out of work and bummed about it, and you took off on an awesome vacation without her, that would look awful! “Hey, while I’m gone, make yourself useful and get a job to support me when I get back. Cheers!”

I don’t really have any advice except to agree that this sounds awfully unfair Undecided

Post # 7
Member
43 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Maybe both of you guys could just move back to China. It sounds like she really misses it there, and maybe you can still get your old job back…

Post # 8
Member
2777 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

That is sorta odd.  FI traveled back home and asked if I wanted to come at least.  I agree move back to China maybe?  That way your both happier.

Post # 9
Member
3885 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Are there perhaps cultural issues that are complicating things? If you are native Australian and she is native Chinese, then your upbringings and customs may be very different.  It may be worth looking into how deep a role your cultures play in your personalities and values, and how that translates to relationship styles.

Not “blaming” things on different ethnic or cultural backgrounds; there are tons of happy multi-cultural couples all around the world! But it does take a bit more understanding of those cultural values to make a relationship work.

Post # 10
Member
1327 posts
Bumble bee

This sounds like this is something that can only being solved between the two of you. Is she homesick and finding excuses not to go back to australia? Is she blameing you or resenting you for not having a good job so feels the grass is greener on the other side? Has she maybe decided that she doesn’t want to live in australia but doesn’t want to tell you? Is she totally oblivious to the fact that she is hurting you? It could be anything, there is no way to know without talking with her directly.

Post # 11
Member
356 posts
Helper bee

@fishbone:  I agree with you on this! That is what I was thinking as I was reading the situation.

 

OP, so sorry you are going through this! Do your best to keep your spirits up! Do you have any friends nearby that you could perhaps go out for a coffee with or have a meal just to get out and do something for you? I hope you take care of you as best you can despite the stress you are feeling. 

Post # 13
Member
1230 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

We have had a lot of problems in this year upcoming being “married”.  I do not feel we really every got to enjoy that.  A lot of stuff happened over this past year.  Marriage is nothing to take lightly.  You guys must figure out how to fix this.  It sounds like to me she is homesick and is upset you are unemployed.  I feel bad for you that they get to travel and you don’t.  You have to talk to your wife. 

Post # 15
Member
741 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I actually don’t think your case is that unique, it’s just posted under “newlyweds” rather than “intercultural.” I can more relate to your wife’s point of view – I left my country to be with my (now) husband, and the first six months were one of the hardest moments I’ve had to go through. There was a lot with the culture shock, so even though I was forced to return to finish school I needed to go back and take everything in. Part of me wishes that right after school I didn’t take the first plane back to France and that I spent more time with friends and family before I uprooted my life away from them. Now I only see them once a year for maybe two weeks, it really sucks. I love my husband to death, but no one person will ever complete you entirely –  I really miss my friends from home. The thing is, there is never a good time to visit home for a long period of time because you are either in the process of establishing yourself, or you are too established that your job won’t let you leave for more than a couple of weeks. I just got married myself, but if I had the means to go back home for 2 months, I would certainly take it. My husband would be ok with it, because he 1. appreciates I need to come up for air every now and then 2. knows I’m coming back. 

I think that there are several factors in the mix. As the non expat spouse, I believe you do have more of a responsibility for the well being of the two of you, as in general the expat spouse has much more adjusting to do. I do want to return to the US one day, but I realize that I have to come up with a plan which will ensure we are ok, and my husband’s well being is ok. I also think you are not giving enough credit to cultural issues, as you don’t have to merely adjust to being married, but the backdrop of your relationship has changed. 

Please don’t resent your wife, you are all she has in her new home. If my husband started to resent me for all the times I had difficulty adjusting, we certainly would not have made it this far. Yes, you should talk to her and try to work though some of these issues – I think you have a valid point of view, but so does she. Two months is not that long, and she’ll be coming home. There is a good book I’d reccomend called Intercultural Marriage: Promises & Pitfalls. It has a lot of good advice and some of it relates to couples from Eastern and Western cultures. 

Hope this helps a little, best of luck. 

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