Newly married but not excited… help please

posted 1 year ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
4863 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

I think it’s best to leave the marriage. You sound so, so unhappy.  People get divorced shortly after the wedding, it happens. You were pressured into marryinf him BC you didn’t want to lose the money you put down and perhaps hoped in spite of everything that things would improve when married. They didn’t. Contact a lawyer and go for a separation. This isn’t a way to live. GL

 

Post # 3
Member
2326 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015 - Ruby Princess

I stopped reading at about the 4th paragraph because there was no reason to read more. you ignored your gut, and now it’s screaming at you that you made the wrong decision. Infidelity and debt aren’t always dealbreakers, but yeah together, and repeatedly, nope. 

I would seek support from friends and family and begin making a plan to leave. asap. don’t waste your life. 

Post # 4
Member
48 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Oh my gosh bless you. I think you need to be brave and leave him. Life is short, before you know it 10, 20, 30 years could pass and you could still be unhappy. Chances are he will cheat on you again, hes done it already and people can sense when partners are not 100% committed and he may want to get attention elsewhere. He may be secretly relieved if you end it too. If not now in the future he may look back and be glad you were brave as well.

That aside it’s your life and you deserve to be happy. People make mistakes but it’s better you do something about it now than years down the line when it will be even harder. I am sure your parents will place your happiness above the wedding costs and all that stuff.

I feel sorry for you because it seems you genuinely have gotten in over your head. You can do it, it will be hard but think about how much happier you will be in the future.

Post # 5
Member
2299 posts
Buzzing bee

arrg :  out of all these reasons, you didn’t list not ONE SINGLE thing as the reason you’re staying of your own volition. You’re worried about what others will think of you from the outside looking in. Ask yourself this: do you really want to waste your entire life trying to keep up a false image of yourself just so that other people can be happy, or do you wanna live your life and be happy with people who will support you no matter what?

 

I sincerely hope your answer is the latter. Leave, bee. This is no way for you to live.

Post # 6
Member
2683 posts
Sugar bee

arrg :  I can sympathize because I was you five years ago.

I didn’t trust my gut and I also hoped he would change and be the man I wanted him to be.  Spoiler alert…they don’t change.

We lasted just over two years and then divorced.  I have not regretted that choice for one minute.

i would recommend therapy for you to try and figure out how this happened and to have someone unbiased to talk to.

 

 

Post # 7
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee

You have to get out of this! Divorce him, your happiness matters!

Post # 9
Member
254 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: City, State

He’s the right guy, but he’s not the right guy for you

Post # 10
Member
652 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Sorry bee, you sound sad and miserable. Be brave, take the step and leave this man. He’s just not right for you. 

Don’t worry about what others will think of you. You need to be happy and right now, you’re just not. Your instincts have been telling you to leave all along, but you didn’t listen to it. 

Also, I suggest seeing a counselor instead of your pastor. Your pastor wasn’t helping no offense. Good luck bee.

Post # 11
Member
4498 posts
Honey bee

You had dozens of red flags (including infidelity and lying about finances) and you ignored them.  Surprise – a marriage certificate doesn’t make red flags suddenly disappear.  You built a life on a shaky, superficial foundation (handsome, protective, fit) – it really shouldn’t be that big of a shock that the marriage you built on that poor foundation is crumbling.

The majority of your comments about what a great guy he is centers around him doing laundry.  You are aware that pretty much every adult does laundry, right?  And you could hire a laundry service.  There are lots of great guys out there, most who do laundry – doesn’t mean you marry all of them.  Just because someone is great, doesnt make you compatible partners.  Someone doesn’t have to be a horrible person to not want to be married to them.

Post # 12
Member
122 posts
Blushing bee

Also, your parents might have been together for 33 years because they had to suck it up and couldn’t afford to leave, that’s another generation and a different social context – now we do have the choice, and you should listen to your brain and find someone you can fall in love with.

Post # 13
Member
6171 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

There are sooooooo many nopes about this.

It’s unfortunate that no one around you told you, before you got married, that canceling a wedding may be hard but canceling a marriage is harder and that it was okay (even RIGHT) for you to decide not to go forward with the wedding if that was what would be right for you.

I would start divorce proceedings immediately. You do not need to stay in a relationship where you are unhappy just to justify the expense of a wedding.

Post # 14
Member
24 posts
Newbee

I was you except I didn’t have all those red flags before the wedding. I was very, very young. So was he. He was (I thought) right for me, because we were both raised in a conservative, Christian home. I thought you could make the big promises and just keep them. 

As soon as we got home from our honeymoon, I woke up and vomited (literally felt sick laying next to my ex). He became abusive and controlling immediately upon waking up. He expected me to stay home and care for him. I was an honors student at university, and I had other plans. 

I stayed with him for 2 years because I “didn’t believe in divorce.” It was 2 years too long, I wasn’t myself at all with him. 

You should go to a licensed counselor that is not your Pastor. Get help for the anxiety and distress you’re experiencing. And if you feel the same after that, you need to leave. You deserve to be your best self and to feel free to enjoy life. 

Post # 15
Member
2135 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

You had so many red flags and kept going. I get your reasoning but I’m not sure you have many reasons to move on. The first year of marriage should be a pretty happy time. I have a feeling that the indfidelity and finances issues really changed your mind about how you felt overall about him. It’s really important that you enjoy spending time with the person who you are going to spend the rest of your life with! 

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