- 3 years ago
I need some help sorting out what’s going on in my mind. I recently got married and I anticipated it would feel much different. I wake up daily (not exagerating) that I made the wrong decision in marrying my now husband. We’ve been together for five years with a year and a half engagement. We started going to our pastor for pre-marriage counseling roughly six months before the wedding. 3-4 months before the big day I had a come to Jesus moment and almost called off the wedding. I had found out that he had some significant debts and I started second guessing a lot of things that I’d pushed off while we were dating.
First off, I reached out to him first. I was single and we’d known one another through mutual friends but thought that he seemed to be the “perfect” guy for me because he seemed to share the same simplistic lifestyle and he was into fitness like I was/am. Fast forward we relocated states away to be together. There were two instances of infidelity. One before we moved in together and another in the midst of our relationship. To make this post no longer than it has to be, I won’t go into details but these things resurfaced at the 3-4 month mark before the wedding. I met with our pastor because I was an open book with him and wanted his genuine insight into this and how I should move forward. He said there were things we needed to definitely address but that he thought we had what it took and he believed in us. So I put that stuff aside, we brought it up a few times in counseling and my now husband was responsive to it during our meetings. He would mention things on the way home, though, that contradicted his agreeance and humbleness that seemed to override in our meeting which bothered me because then I felt as if he was just telling the pastor what he wanted to hear or that he didn’t truly believe what he did was that impactful.
I didn’t want to postpone the wedding because at the 3-4 month mark, that’s crunch time. Deposits are in, dresses are ordered, save the dates are out, etc. and all that money is lost if a wedding is postponed/cancelled. So… we moved ahead. I felt better after a few talks with our pastor but I was also super busy with work and finishing my masters and wedding planning that there was no time to be in my own head truthfully.
I had a breakdown the week of the wedding and cried my eyes out. Everyone called it nerves but I wasn’t nervous about the decor or the cake or the flowers… i was worried if I was making the right choice. You see… my husband is a great guy, people like him, and they genuinely love seeing us together. I love my husband too. He’s a handyman (even though sometimes he’s a bit careless), he sends me notes or flowers just because, and he genuinely wants to see me happy. For some reason though, not even 60 days after the wedding, I cannot stop thinking that I made the wrong choice. Not because I don’t care for him or think he’s a good person or envision him in my life, but there’s this overwhelming sense of “what did I just do” instead of what I think I should be feeling which is excitment and contentment.
If I’m being honest, he goes away often and most of the time I don’t miss him. He and I are both into fitness but we have grown apart in that area. I run an online business surrounding fitness but I also have balance in my life. I like the idea of coming home every once in a while with a bottle of wine and sitting on the front porch just talking. My husband on the other hand counts it as calories. He has a body image issue and it hinders the extracurricular things we do because you can tell it’s on his mind if we’re out to dinner or if we were to have a drink at the house. He’s awesome because he does laundry but there doesn’t seem to ever be a “let loose” time. We could be on our way home from somewhere on a Saturday and he’s talking about getting home to finish the laundry or what he needs to get done before Monday. I like to look forward to the weekend to go have dinner or drinks somewhere on Friday or hit the boat on Saturday. Things that break you away from your every day existence Monday-Friday.
I was talking to a friend and she asked me, “when you think of going on vacation or having a bunch of people over for a BBQ, do you get excited because he’s there and you have fun together or do you look forward to seeing other people more?” My honest answer was that, I don’t think I really have genuine fun around him because he never lets loose. He’s always on alert and it doesn’t allow me to relax either. I’ve had these conversations with him but he just says “that’s just me” or “I’m fun, we have fun together”. It’s hard to talk to him because he believes his actions are just who he is. He rarely if ever understands that what he does or what he says may have an effect on me negatively. Instead he’ll just say “why would I be sorry if that’s how I feel?”
Gosh there are so many things to say… so many emotions I’m feeling or things that I’m questioning. We think differently about finances, his family is entirely different than mine and I have a superficial relationship with them merely because we’re together, we think of fun as different things, and I don’t know what else. I’m sorry for rambling but I need some help in what to do here. This is obviously something that’s been on my mind for a while. I’ve always just put it on the back burner but now I keep kicking myself for not leaving when he was with another girl a couple years ago, or when I realized his family is nothing like what I’d like out of in-laws (the fact that they contributed nothing to the wedding and didn’t even say thank you or GOODBYE to my parents at the rehearsal or wedding is beyond me), or when I kept pushing to be together even if it meant leaving a great position to take a mediocre one.
I don’t know who to talk to. I’ve told my two best friends but don’t want to talk to other friends becuase they all have a bias and I don’t want them thinking ill of him or our relationship regardless of what the future brings. I don’t know if I should talk to my pastor because I know no matter what, he will not believe there’s any way to go but to work on it (and maybe that’s what I have to do… idk), or do I go see a counselor that has no bias to him or I? I obviously never viewed getting married with the option to get divorced. My parents have been together for 33 years this fall and I’ve never viewed marriage anything but lifelong. I just don’t want to live my life looking back, regretting, wondering what if, or minimizing my likes because they don’t correlate with his.
Any guidance is extremely welcome!