(Closed) newly married, deciding to do distance because of grad school

posted 5 years ago in Married Life
  • poll: should i go to grad school?
    yes - to LSU : (50 votes)
    70 %
    no - move to boulder, be happy, start a family : (20 votes)
    28 %
    yes - to christie's : (1 votes)
    1 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    2554 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    Is he absolutely not willing to take up the job in New Orleans? It makes the most sense. He gets a job, you get to go to grad school, and you both get to be together.

    Post # 4
    Member
    3340 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island

    It sounds to me like the only two options are LSU and moving to Colorado (and possibly pursuing a grad degree online).  I’m all for bettering yourself, so I think he should support you in your desire to go back to school.  At the same time, you’re going to get married…so you should be making these decisions together.  Where was he when you applied to schools?  Why did you apply to LSU if he was never willing to move there in the first place?

     

    Post # 5
    Member
    2559 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    I would really resent this. My Darling Husband took his undergrad years to move across the country and get the education he wanted (as he well should have – we were young and maintained our relationship through long distance) but he had the insight to know that I also have educational needs and when I got into graduate school after we were done with undergrad, he packed up and moved, no questions asked. He supported me by his presence and willingness to move int the same way I supported him moving across the country, studying abroad, etc. when he needed that. Your Darling Husband has a job offer near your full-ride graduate program, and it’s only two years? He needs to appreciate what you’ve done for him and return the mutual respect and love by supporting you in this, and to me, that means taking the job in LA.

    Post # 6
    Member
    3574 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    Honestly, in this economy I don’t think a grad degree will help you.  You’ll miss out on two more years of experience at a job and there is no guarantee it will be a magic fix for your career.  I think you should move with your husband and look into schools near him for the next year.

    Post # 7
    Member
    633 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    When you make a lot of sacrifices for someone, it feels like they should be as willing to sacrifice for you in turn. Unfortunately, when the rubber hits the road, this rarely happens. You both need to have very frank discussions about this, because you are setting yourselves up to have very life changing and resentment-building situations at hand. You don’t have to choose between home and career, women have proven that for decades, and studies show that they are happier both in and out of the home when they have their own purpose and drive. That said, you may have to choose it with a different SO, or be willing to sacrifice the location.

    Post # 8
    Member
    114 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    Hi date twin!! 🙂 First one I’ve come across on the bee!

    I think I actually have a relateable situation going on. I moved to the Twin Cities to be with my FH a year and a half ago because he had a great job and I was trying to get into graduate school. We got engaged and a month later I got into graduate school (to be a Physician Assistant)… in Wisconsin. He has a FANTASTIC job in the Twin Cities, where there is a “hub” for the type of work he does. However, he is moving to WI with me while I am in school, so long as his job allows him to work there (he consults). We’ll figure out where we want to make a life after I graduate.

    (Oh, and I had to plan our wedding to fit in the only 3-week break I get for my entire 2 year program. Crazy!)

    Now for your conundrum. CONGRATULATIONS!!! Getting into graduate school, with a full ride, is a HUGE acoomplishment. In my experience, you should write down your feelings and your thoughts and then sit down and talk to your FH and let him know exactly what you’re thinking. (Writing it down helps me remember what I was thinking with a much clearer mind – cuz this will probably be an emotional convo.) Figure out what he’s thinking! Forgive me if you’ve done this already, but it seems like you two need to have an honest, thorough discussion about it.

    I voted that you should go to school and he should take the job in New Orleans. It would be insane to give up a full ride scholarship to pay $50k++ in some other location. In my 7 years experience working in health care, there is quite a bit of flexibility in job availibility. I think it would make most sense to be near eachother (since it is possible) and then move when you finish. You’ll be looking for a job then anyway!

    Good luck! 🙂

    Post # 9
    Member
    6360 posts
    Bee Keeper

    I don’t understand why he won’t move to Louisiana. I’d be… well, having a lot of discussions with him.

    Post # 10
    Member
    3092 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    I’d personally go to CO.  I sort of did the same pre-marriage talk.  We were LDR and I was applying to grad schools in CA where I lived.  Eventually I decided I wanted more, I wanted school, to be with my hubby, to have a date for events, to share a house and to live in a better city.  so I moved to Seattle with Fiance, worked, and applied to UW and I will be graduating 1 week before the wedding.

    Post # 11
    Member
    3574 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    I can understand your FI’s position.  A medical residency is a BIG DEAL.  He has worked hard for that.  Now when he is at the end and about to be done, you want to move elsewhere.  I think getting a masters in communication could be done basically anywhere, at any time.  I don’t mean to be harsh, but he has made a big committment to being a doctor. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    5405 posts
    Bee Keeper

    I think you should 100% take the full ride (umm congrats!) to LSU and your Fiance should go with and take the job in New Orleans. You will be so thankful to not have the debt from the pricier program.

    And I totally agree with you that you sacrificed for his career and now it’s his “turn.” We have been through something sort of similar, and I know how it feels to feel like you’re the one doing the sacrificing for their career. It should be a back and forth, with both partners sacrificing as needed. Plus, 2 years will be over before you know it–time really does go fast. You have stayed together through med school and residency–that should be the hardest part!

    Now, if the job offer in Colorado would be exponentially better for him career wise, I would probably change my opinion. But since you didn’t give that impression, I’m assuming he just prefers Colorado. 

    Post # 13
    Member
    719 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2014 - South Bonson Pier & Community Centre

    @nancyclarissa:  Is there a grad program in CO that you could apply to? I couldn’t imagine working on my masters without my husband there to support me and hold me when I have panic attacks (which, unfortunately, is quite frequently – grad school is stressful! lol). My mentor told me, when I was applying originally, not to go to a program that isn’t willing to pay to have you. With the uncertainty of the economy, and the jobs deficit, there’s no guarantee that you’ll see a return on your investment any time soon (if at all!), so having extra debt isn’t a smart move. Two years isn’t that long, but in the grand scheme of things do you really want to do that? … and that’s the problem of having two professionals in the family. I “wasn’t allowed” to attend my dream school because there simply weren’t any jobs available for my hubby there. With your husband being a doctor, I would imagine that your career is always going to come second (not that that’s a bad thing).

     

    Post # 14
    Member
    24 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    First off, congrats on gettng a full ride and GA position! That is certainly something to be proud of!

    As for the issue, I think that only you and your Fiance can make that decision. What are you reasons for wanting to go to grad school? Will it really help you find a job, or better yet, find your dream job? Or is going to grad school more of a personal challenge? Are you going to be ready to start a family soon? When you do want to start a family, are you planning on staying home with the kids, or would you rather work? If you are planning on taking time off from work once you have kids, would going to grad school be worth it to you, especially if you plan to take off quite a few years? Do you as a couple work well with long distance, despite how much it sucks, or do you find yourself fighting over silly things? If you still really want to go to LSU, would you Fiance support this decision, either by being long distance for 2 years or moving there with you? Would you be able to wait a year and apply to schools near your hometown, if there are any? You don’t have to answer these, just something to think about!

    I will say this, though: grad school tuition is expensive! Even with a decent scholarship, I still have to take out quite a bit of loans. If you do want to go to go to grad school and LSU is a program that fits your wants/needs, I would be hesitant to pass it up!

    Post # 15
    Member
    9142 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

    @nancyclarissa:  If you plan to eventually live in Colorado after grad school then letting him get his foot in the door is a really good idea.  And I always vote for zero debt so you should definitely pick LSU based on that (but dividing households will cost you money as well.)  Why didn’t you apply for schools in Colorado?  Could you take another semester or year off to apply to Colorado schools?

    In this economy, him having a good job is a big deal.  I would have him take the job in Colorado but continue to look for something else in Louisiana whle you apply for grad schools in Colorado.

    Post # 16
    Member
    264 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: December 2013

    This probably isn’t a very popular opinion, but in my perspective, there just isn’t a lot of room in a traditional mariage for two “big” careers. You want to go off to LSU to pursue yours, and he wants to start his in an area where he ultimately wants to live, and neither of you want to make the sacrifice. Unfortunately, you’re going to have to sacrifice somewhere- it will either be on the career front or the home front. (And to be clear, by “you” I mean you as a couple, not you the individual). 

    I’m not sure what the right answer for the two of you will be, but long distance causing a breakup already in the past tells me that that probably isn’t going to be a very workable solution for you. Ultimately, I have to say having moved cross country right after graduating and not being able to find a job and having no local personal or profession contacts to help, I understand his desire to do his residency in the area he wants to settle down.

    Are there no programs near his residency that you could enter? The free ride is a wonderful incentive to go to LSU, but even if you had to pay for a program closer to his residency, that would be debt you as a couple would be taking on together in order to start your married life living together.

    The topic ‘newly married, deciding to do distance because of grad school’ is closed to new replies.

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