(Closed) Newly married, crossed his family, he’s threatening to go-now what?

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
893 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

My FI’s family does almost all communication through his cell phone. I don’t find it offensive at all. It is part of the digital age. We don’t even have a house phone, since we know no one would ever call it.

I wouldn’t be offended by them not calling the house phone.

It sounds like you both got an invitation to a birthday party but you are upset because they called his cell phone to do the inviting.

This is not worth all this conflict, people call cell phones to make plans with both members of the couple these days.

The issues with the family aside, it sounds like you are taking out your frustrations on the hubby and I can see why he is upset, although his way of handling the situation by leaving is not helping things.

I think you two need to calmy sit down and dicuss the issues without any yelling. Then, maybe both of you can approach his family and let them know that you want them to call the house instead of his cell phone because it feels like they don’t care about you when they call his cell.

I’m assuming they have absolutely no idea that it upsets you, cause I would never ever realize that would offend someone.

Post # 4
Member
171 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

If I were you, I don’t think I would want to be with a husband that acts like that. Esp. if he is saying he’s moving out and spending the night at an ex girlfriends. It really doesn’t seem (imo) that your arguement was that big of a deal for him to leave and come back giving you his wedding band and not coming back to your house.

Post # 6
Member
3126 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

First off, I am sorry that you are feeling hurt by your in-laws actions, and that your husband did not stand up or stick by you when the going got tough. It must feel awful to have this come between you.

I think it is important to realize that different family structures behave…well…differently. For instance, in my family get passed from my sisters to my mother to me, instead of having them communicate directly with me. Does this mean they don’t like me or want me to be part of their events? No, it just usually means that they communicate with her more than they do me, and thats okay.

I never call people’s house phones, I only use their cell phones. And I communicate directly with the person I have most in common with and have the most to say to. You are still relatively new to the family, and so it may take them a little while to warm up to you to the level you want or expect.

I think it is a little difficult to control your husbands interactions with his family based off of what you think is the right thing to do. I would also be a little put off if my Fiance called my family to discuss an issue he had with them, and then sent an email to another family member about the issue. I would say the first step would have been to come to an agreement with your husband about how it should be handled, not just one of you decidng how it should be handled. It is important to come to a compromise together even if it takes a little more time.

I would suggest that you DO apologize to your husband, and then have a discussion about your feelings and what can be done to make you feel like more a part of the family, although now that there are a lot of different emotions involved, it may be a while for things to calm down.

Post # 7
Member
572 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Honestly I think it’s sad that your husband is so willing to just call it off as easily as he did so I would be looking at this like a wake up call.  I get the home phone thing somewhat except we don’t have a home phone, just our cells.  No one on DH’s side calls me or answers when I call them from my phone but I’ve just gotten used to it I guess. 

My husband is the one to always make the effort in calling his mom; she never calls him and their relationship has always been on his shoulders.  I hate that but it’s his choice, just like it’s your husbands to keep doing this.  Darling Husband finally had enough and no longer calls her like he used to.  This is kind of “pick your battles” territory.  It’s his relationship, he has to maintain it not you. 

It sucks that they can’t say “Hey, nice wedding!  How was the honeymoon?” but it’s nothing to dwell on or lose your marriage over.  Some things you just have to decide to let go and that’s something I’ve had to let go- we didn’t receive 1 positive comment from my Mother-In-Law.  You have to decide how much you want all this to come between you.  I’m not saying just let him walk all over you but just pick your battles and choose how much you want all this to affect you.  I do agree with you that the husband shouldn’t go where the wife isn’t welcome.

Post # 8
Member
769 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

I’m a little confused.  Have there been past drama/problems with his family?  Do they intentionally try to leave you out of events, dinners, etc.?  If it’s just that they call his cell, I guess I don’t really understand what the problem is.  Calling someone’s cell is usually the easiest way to get in touch with someone.  For example, I usually call my MIL’s cell when I want/need to talk to my in-laws.  It would NEVER occur to me that my Father-In-Law might feel offended that I don’t call the house line.  Perhaps I’m missing something?

I am sorry that he just left like that – totally uncalled for.  I’m just wondering if there’s more to the story?

Post # 9
Member
649 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

@R.Elliott: See, I disagree. If I had a house phone and they only called his cell – I would “get it” that it’s just easier for them to talk to their blood relative “point of contact” but I also would be a little put-off.

I don’t know how many “invitations” I got to dinners, Thanksgiving, Christmas and all that crap through my fiance (now husband) instead of directly to me. You have no idea if they’re real or if they’re just my fiance being nice. I never behave that way – I always directly contact people because you want to make sure that you don’t offend someone. I consider it to be an issue of upbringing and manners.

Can people be blindsided by the fact that they haven’t been sensitive to someone else? Of course. That’s what this sounds like. It came from left field.

I’m at work – I’ll write more later – but I will say that it also, sadly, sounds like you had this pent up for a while and since you let it go all at once – the recipient is dumbfounded. Always happens – because if they WERE self-aware and knew how they had made you feel, they wouldn’t have done it at all.

Post # 10
Member
1137 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I guess I don’t see what the big deal is. If they want to call his cell instead of the house phone, why is that a problem? Just because your family and friends do things one way doesn’t mean that his family doing things differently is a personal attack.

My in-laws always call or email my husband with invitations for both of us, because they know they will get ahold of him on his cell and he checks his email religiously. I have never been offended by this.

If they intentionally didn’t invite you to the party, that would be a different conversation altogether.

Post # 12
Member
325 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I completely agree that 1.) I wouldn’t see it as offensive and 2.) I would probably never call someone’s house phone.

I think you probably have different ideas about this phone issue, but you should probably try to see it from his perspective. It’s hard to understand why someone is mad at you or your family regarding something you’ve never seen as important. To him it probably never even crossed his mind or theirs, and then to have someone upset with him about it probably put him on the defensive.

And then to have a dramatic situation created out of it, I could see where he might be like WHOA! He probably should have talked it out (you both need to) but please understand that this is a nonissue for a lot of people, and not even an issue that most people don’t care about, but not even an issue or point of thought.

 

It would almost be like me saying, OMG you don’t put cilantro on your eggs? That’s cra-cra! and getting upset or hurt by it.

 

goodluck

Post # 13
Member
572 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

You also need to remember different does not mean wrong. 

Post # 14
Member
649 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

@Amani: Do you ask to speak to your FIL? Or do you only speak to your MIL?

My Mother-In-Law never calls my cell and never asks to speak to me when she knows I’m standing right there. I think it’s offensive for sure.

In fact, I’m crazy agitated now that I’m thinking about all the times that my Mother-In-Law, SIL, whateverIL didn’t bother to contact me directly. Didn’t BOTHER. The fact that the “easy” choice here is being painted as the “reasonable” or “right” one bothers me.

Post # 15
Member
893 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@shellshocked:“I’m afraid my husband’s message to me this weekend is that he sees me as an outsider too — that if it comes to a choice, and it did this weekend, at least — then he’s in their circle and not mine.”

That, I think, is the real issue at hand. You are his wife and legally related to one another. Maybe you can bring up this issue with him and see if you can come to a better understanding. The notion that my husband would just drop me in favor of the rest of his family, is a scary thought. YOU are his family now too!

Post # 16
Member
325 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@coconutmellie: See that’s strange to me. It would never even register to me if my mom never asks to talk to him when he’s in the room or vice versa. I don’t think I would notice or mind. In fact, I would think if it was odd that they would ask to speak to him (or me) just because I am there

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