- 7 years ago
- Wedding: July 2010
Hi bees. I am writing under an alias because I am so embarassed. I didn’t even know whether I should write my post in newlyweds but they’re all so happy in there, I didn’t want to bring everyone down! How to make this short? ish. Hmmm.
Here goes. Hubs and I have been married since mid-July. Ups and downs. Love each other madly but change doesn’t come easily to either of us, I guess. He’s lived a much, much quieter life than me thus far but he made whopping changes since meeting me and has moved into my place, now ours, into a new city, change of venue for work for him. etc. What he hasn’t changed is his picture-perfect view of his family which, let’s face it, like everybody’s, is anything But! They seemed okay leading up to the wedding; I included them, their kids (All) in the wedding party and I’ve always been super warm and kind and generous to them, the sisters.
Here’s the rub: in the 15 months hubby has lived with me (four of them married)! they have NEVER ONCE called our home phone… not once, to say hello, ask how we are, thank them for dinner or Christmas Eve, wish us luck before the Big Day, say how beautiful the Big Day was, ask about our honeymoon. Nothing. Nada. My guy is always the one to call them, usually from his cell, and without schedules, usually when I’m not around. And the few times they have generated any communication, with him of course, it’s been through his cell only. I have been feeling lousy (and neglected) about this. My family and friends would never, ever treat him, or us, this way and they know they’d have to answer to me if they did! They leave loving and interested messages on the home phone for us BOTH. All the time. Heck, and I’ll give you this much, EVEN my ex-husbands family leaves loving and interested messages for us BOTH asking how we are, always including him too, and by name. NEVER A SINGLE CALL OR MESSAGE FROM HIS FAMILY OR SISTERS.
I finally cracked this weekend. Yep. When he told me the youngest of the newphews had left a message, an invitation to the Dad’s birthday party, on the cell phone. I ranted about why his sister couldn’t have called the house. My guy, upon my rant, walked out of ours. He cannot take any criticism about his family; cannot acknowledge them ever being wrong. When he returned Saturday evening, I tried again to tell him how I’ve been feeling, how he might be feeling too that they never call to ask after him either, or ask about us as a couple, NOT ONCE, and he dialed his cell — I was SURE he was calling his sister directly to discuss this in front of me, and I was very excited — and instead left a message for his nephew that he’ll be coming to the birthday celebration but that I wasn’t feeling up to it. Omigod!
I insisted he call his sister. He agreed and left her a message on her cell, but then decided he actually couldn’t handle the conflict, her returned phone call, so he again walked out of the house. When she called, TWICE, she hung up TWICE when she heard my voice. I called her back, braced myself, and calmly, evenly told her how I’d been feeling. She did a complete about-face, told me no one had ever ATTACKED her like that before, spoken to her that way… and on and on. Swear, bees, I wasn’t rude or loud or outspoken… just… well, spot on. Next, my hubby called her apparently from outside on his cell… next thing, about an hour later, he stormed into our apartment, threw down his leather jacket, took his wedding ring off and told me I could keep it, told me his sister never wanted to see me again .. and that he’d been looking for a new apartment. Omigod.
I believe he went to the family get together on Sunday. Even though I had left him (calm) messages on Sunday saying he shouldn’t go where his wife isn’t welcome, that we should talk about this, that his sister is manipulating him, that I never, ever attacked her, that I tried to air my feelings and told her so and told her it was in the (constructive) hope that we could at least be in some semblance of contact every month or some at home. I told him he should come get me and take me with him. He never called me back on Sunday.. and yes, I flew the coup by the time I realized he had gone to the family birthday WITHOUT ME and stayed with a girlfriend last night and went right from there to work today. I don’t know what I’ll find when I come home this evening.
You better save your urgent suggestions that he seek therapy or that we go for counseling together because he is adamant about not doing that. I will mention again that he has grown much, very much, since we met 3 years ago. I guess he wasn’t ready for me or anybody to cross some mythological line he’s drawn for himself where his family is concerned and I’m not sure where to go from here. Heck, I’m not even sure he didn’t sign a lease, yeterday on a new place. What should I do next? Oh, and I sent a very measured e-mail, not an apology per se, but just laying out what I had tried to do on Saturday evening with the sister – sent this to the brother-in-law, wishing him a happy birthday yesterday, and saying I was sending it through him because she doesn’t have e-mail. I said I was sorry if I hurt her but that I have been feeling hurt and neglected for some time, that I imagined hubby was too though he never complains (I said all this in the email), and that my discussion should never have been seen as an “attack”, and finally, that she should reconsider her response for all concerned. So that’s where I am. What should I do? What would ya’all do?