(Closed) Newly single, problems with ex-DH (vent)

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
592 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Wow, sorry you are going through this. Your family really needs to get their priorities in order and figure out where their loyalties lie. This man is emotionally stressing you out and they are siding with him, that’s beyond ridiculous to me. I think you need to make it clear to them that he is harrassing you and their support should be for you not him.

Post # 4
Member
11270 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@Miss Sorbet:  break ups are hard, especially when they are one-sided.  i know how you feel.  i broke up with my ex (together 8 yrs)  for a number of reasons and i, of course, was the villan.  he played the victim to all of our neighbours and friends and his family.  none of them would talk to me.  he was the complete reason we broke up but he put the blame all on me.  he told everyone that i blindsided him, meanwhile we had discussed our issues for many years and he never wanted to resolve them.  i finally had had enough.

my advise is to split everything up as soon as you can and move on with your life.  get rid of your phone and get one that isn’t attached to his plan.  get a new laptop so he can’t hack into it.  tell him to leave you alone and if he continues to poke his nose into your life you will be forced to take legal action.

when that last thread of attachment of him is gone, you will feel completely relieved.

good luck with everything.

Post # 5
Member
850 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Trinisexy2: I think it’s a huge mistake on your part not to share what you are going through with YOUR family for his sake. I understand that he doesn’t have a family, but that doesn’t mean you should go through this alone. You should not be beating yourself up (and let him emotionally torture you) for ending a relationship that you don’t feel is right. Just because he’s hurt, it’s was not okay that he was essentially stalking you. Please reach out to your family. It may take some time, but they need to support you and someday, they will regret it if they don’t help you. They don’t have to “choose sides” right now but you deserve to be listened to by your family. It might take them time to come around, but without letting them into what you are experiencing, the emotional distance will only grow.

I would also suggest seeking a counselor of some kind. It would do you a lot of good to be able to share your thoughts and feelings with a person who is outside of the situation, who can offer you advice as you heal from this. You need someone on your side who is looking out for you 100%. 

 

 

 

Post # 6
Member
155 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I’m sorry but you need to tell you family what is going on. If he is being that psychologically abusive towards you it is totally unacceptable for your family to be forcing his presence on you by including him in family gatherings that you are attending.

Post # 7
Member
88 posts
Worker bee

@Miss Sorbet:  I am so sorry you are going through this. His behavior is EXACTLY like my ex-DH. My family did not love him like your does though, but my ex took every opportunity to badmouth me to them. I never let on about the emotional abuse he was inflicting until we had to go to court for a second time due to his harrassment of me after the divorce. I testified for nearly 3 hours about his abuse, most of which my parents never heard. It was horrible. He was surely shamed by that point since his family was in the courtroom as well. I still have interaction with him since we have 3 kids, but it is better. He still has his moments and can still cut me with words, but my Fiance has been such a great support. 

I understand not wanting to “tattle” on him but do you really think your family would be as supportive of him if they knew how he was treating their daughter/sister, etc.??? Please talk to your parents. They love you and want to support you.

Break off all contact with your ex now. Get a lawyer and let all contact go through that lawyer. Log every text, email, etc that he sends you. Take pictures of them if you need to. Keep a journal of his harrassing behavior. These things may come in handy, they did in my case. 

Go to counseling. You probably won’t realize the damage this controlling behavior has done on you for a while. 

Best of luck and feel free to PM me!

Post # 8
Hostess
12243 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

II think you need to tell your family and start keeping track of all of this crap. Also, I don’t want to scare you, and really this probably doesn’t apply, but for safety’s sake, I have to say it. He is stalking you via cyber stalking. He is saying things that are showing he’s not well right now. He’s playing games with your family.mhe feels the need to exert control over you and spy on you after three months. These could be the signs of a big baby, or a stalker who could lose it. 

 

Please tell people what’s going on and approach your interactions as if he is not safe. Better safe than sorry. So sorry you are going through this. 

Ps there is an app to scan your phone for spyware. And I would keep the receipfor rom your computer spyware removed. That is not normal. 

Post # 9
Member
732 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

I really have nothing new to add, I completely agree with the PPs…there is no valid reason in the world why you should be “protecting” him at any level, when it comes to YOUR family! Blow the lid right off of his crap and let everyone and anyone who will listen, KNOW EXACTLY what he’s been doing! Stalking, harassing, abusing. THEN, if your family still feels the need to “take his side” find new “family” :-/ 

stand up for yourself, defend yourself, protect yourself. A situation like you’ve just described can really only get WORSE unless you become extremely proactive! Best wishes OP, I’m very sorry you’re going thru this right now. 

Post # 10
Member
1469 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Miss Sorbet:  you need to tell your family what he’s been doing and demand that they stop talking to him and inviting him over. They shouldn’t want to support someone that makes you feel like shit intentionally. my family was really close to my sister’s first husband. They were together for 11 years and while it was hard, she laid the boundaries down and told us she didn’t want us talking to him. We stopped bc we knew where our loyalties should be. That is what’s supposed to happen when a couple divorces. Especially when you’re so young! 

 

Im glad you know you don’t deserve to be treated like crap. He will try to make you feel it until you take him back or he moves on. He can only move on if he stops seeing you and your family!

Post # 11
Member
93 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@Miss Sorbet:  

Write a letter telling your family what you told us.  Make copies and send it to every family member.  By writing a letter, you can get all the information out there without wording it wong because you are nervous, and you can communicate everything without being interrupted.

Post # 12
Member
9230 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

@Tinatiny1:  

ITA.  This guy is a nutbag.  Unfortunately, he could also be dangerous.  And imagine how your family would feel knowing they were inadvertently feeding into his pathology to your detriment?

 

You must tell them, and do it now.  This guy’s behavior is not normal and you don’t know how far he will go.

 

Tinatiny1 is absolutely right about documenting everything.  You may need a restraining order sooner rather than later.

Post # 13
Hostess
7560 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

I agree with the letter. A similar situation happened to a friend of mine. Her family would not stop talking to the ex. She finally wrote everything down and made a request to everyone that they no longer contact him or involve him in her life. Luckily, everyone understood and respected her situation once they saw everything written out. I hope the same happens to you. 

Post # 14
Member
9230 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

@AlwaysSunny:  

 

I think writing everything down is a wise idea i as well, not only to give to her family, although that is the first thing that needs to be done.

 

 

 

Post # 16
Member
2747 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

You are so strong to be able to do this with so much dignity and no support to turn to. My hat truly is off to you. Hang in there and in a few years time, you will look back and see just how ridiculous everyone else around you is behaving.  You will be in a happier, more self-confident place and see exactly who, in your life, is true to you.

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