Newly wed and concerned with husbands lack of interest in sex

posted 2 weeks ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
502 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

ounceuponatime :   Did you have a sex life before marriage?

Post # 3
Member
360 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2018 - City Hall

ounceuponatime :  Did your sex life together start once you got married? 

If so, is it possible that he’s feeling insecure about his performance or a lack of confidence in his abilities..?

I think you need to dive deeper the next time you talk with him about it and if he’s still not seriously acknowledging it by really talking about it, I’d suggest couples counseling (therapist or even at your church if you go). 

Post # 4
Member
2513 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I’m guessing you didn’t have sex before marriage.

if so there are a few things that could be going on.

1) he’s scared of the reality of sex, worried about his lack of experience / ability etc

2) he’s developed a Madonna / whore issues about you. Sometimes men find it hard to see their wives as sexual beings. They love them but feel they should be kept pure

3) he’s gay … just putting that one out there

4) it’s a mixture of all three.

 

you need to talk to him about it and perhaps look at some counselling / support from your priest. 

Post # 5
Member
845 posts
Busy bee

Twizbe :  

The Madonna/whore complex is disgusting. If it is that then OP has a bigger issue on her hands, because that’s an extremely patriarchal and damaging mindset. 

Post # 6
Member
2513 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I think if he’s gay that’s the bigger issue … ariesscientist :  

Post # 7
Member
845 posts
Busy bee

Twizbe :  Well obviously, but I think the whole mindset behind Madonna/whore complex is a bigger issue than just sex, which was my point. 

Also, he might be asexual rather than gay, not saying that’s the case but it’s possible. 

Post # 8
Member
104 posts
Blushing bee

Is he a virgin? How old are you? If he’s a virgin and long accustomed to taking matters into his own hand, having sex with a woman is a very different thing. He may be having performance anxiety/issues. Why haven’t you sat down and had a mature discussion about your sex life?

Post # 9
Member
509 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

I would probably try to stop thinking about sex and feeling loved as being the same. If you didn’t have sex prior to marriage, did you have a decent intimate life aside from that (i.e. close loving physical contact)? I’d try to do a lot of cuddling, massages, and just physically being close. If there are no issues aside from a mental block for him, that could help bridge the gap and help you feel some more of that loving contact. A therapist or counseling is a great route to take, but it could make a mountain out of a mole hill to tackle it as an outright issue as opposed to doing some gentle groundwork that may more naturally lead to more sex. I’d make it a plan B. As the saying goes, when you hear hoof beats think horses not zebras.

Laying in bed in lingerie waiting for someone to notice you may not be the best way to broach sex, especially if it’s new to the two of you. His previous comments about the vast amounts of sex you two would be having suggests to me that he’s set up all sorts of expectations and not has mentally trapped himself in a place where he just can’t live up to it. 

Can you do something really low key like putting on a romantic movie (good distraction if he has a mental block), cuddling close, and just see what happens? If nothing lower key works, I’d definitely try a therapist, as the longer something like this goes, the harder it is likely to be to resolve.

Post # 13
Member
5780 posts
Bee Keeper

Are you physically initiating? Maybe if you take the lead he will feel more comfortable?

Post # 15
Member
774 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

ounceuponatime :  Madonna/whore complex would make the most sense to me since he acts awkward when you wear obviously sexy things. Could be he is uncomfortable viewing you as a sexual person. I can totally understand how you’d feel rejected. I would ask him exactly what about the lingerie makes him uncomfortable. 

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