- 2 years ago
My inlaws are truly horrible people. Usually, in conflicts, I think all parties have done something wrong. In this conflict, I really don’t think I’ve done anything wrong. I’ve been courteous and generous to his parents. My parents have been courteous and generous. Regardless, they treat me, my husband and my family extremely poorly. His mother is deeply unkind to me. My conversations with her are typically on one of four topics: 1. my failings (mostly about my apperance), 2. my husbands failings (mostly about his professional failings), 3. racist comments, and 4. repeated stories about my husband as a child. That is it. On top of that, she is extremely rude to my parents and pretty much anyone nearby.
Just as ONE example, my mom was paying for bridal party to get ready on my wedding day. We invited his mother to join us as my mother was getting ready with us, and my SIL was in the bridal party. I didn’t want to play favorites, even though I had reservations about inviting her. During the getting ready period, she insulted my mother’s apperance after her hair and makeup was done. She then tried to boot me, the bride, out of the makeup chair so that she could get her own makeup done. She was told she had to wait as she had arrived 3 hours late. After that, she had a temper tantrum at the makeup artist. She also asked me to steam her dress for her, and made some snarky comments about my apperance.
My Father-In-Law is ok, except that he always asks us for money despite being (allegedly) very wealthy, and his wife spending money like its water (coach bags, dior, custom made dresses). We literally gave him money for food while he was visiting, and gave him spending money. He technically owes us several thousand dollars that I do not expect to see again. That’s in addition to the money we flat out gifted him. He was staying with us after the wedding. Even my husband was worried about bringing our cash wedding gifts to our home while he was there. We deposited the cash immediately following the wedding, as we were both worried his father might take it.
My husband agrees with me that his parents behaved very poorly. He is upset they haven’t paid us back, and feels embarassed about their behavoir. However, he refuses to stand up to them, or do anything about their behavoir. He literally won’t tell them no. Whenever we discuss it, he blames their behavoir on cultural issues. He is Indian. (The only good thing about his parents is that they live 18 hours away in India.) However, I don’t think the issue is cultural. His grandmother, sister and aunt attended the wedding, and were perfectly nice and normal. I’ve spent a fair amount of time with his grandmother, and she has alway been lovely. She has never said anything unkind, ever. Additionally, there is no culture in the entire world where it is ok to insult your hostess and peer as his mother insults mine regularly.
The issue I’m having is that my Darling Husband wants to go to India this December for a traditional Indian wedding. He doesn’t want to do the wedding, but it is important to his parents. I initially was open to the idea, even excited about it. Following all the drama his parents created on their last visit, I flat out refuse to do the wedding in India. His mother was extremely badly behaved while she was here with my friends and family. I’m truly afraid of being alone with her and in her control in India. She is always meanest when she and I are alone, and I will have no one there to support me. (I do not think my parents will be willing to attend anymore, or if they do they will do so to protect me from her.) My Darling Husband promises he won’t leave me alone with her, and that he will stand up for me this time. However, I don’t trust him to actually live up to his word. Again and again, we’ve talked about having boundaries. When push comes to shove, he doesn’t stand up to his parents. He hasn’t so far at least. I’m very sorry to disappoint his parents, but I don’t want to be tortured by them anymore. I’m also afraid that they may try to make us pay for the wedding in India. (My husband conceeds they may try to do it. We really don’t have the money for that. We don’t own a home, and we are paying for my husband to attend school part time out of pocket.)
Instead, I want to spend our money on a nice vacation for him and me. I want to have a good time, and forget his parents exist. They’ve visited us in the US for about 8 weeks in the last year. I want a break from them. I NEED a break from them. I will go visit them in India next year, when the dust has had time to settled. I will go when I’ve had time to forget some of the slights and unkindnesses. I still will not have the wedding in India. I will also insist that we stay in a hotel, and not at the family home. I don’t want to cut him off from his parents, but I need to protect me too. I need time and space. I also resent how much money and vacation time I’ve wasted on these people.
He and I are really disagreeing about this. What can I say to get through to him? I’ve told him about his mother’s antics at the wedding and many of the things she said and did. He saw a portion of it. (Happily, his mother was crazy rude to some of his friends at the wedding, and he heard about her meaness from them too. His college bestie and I bonded over some nasty things she said to us.) However, he always has an excuse even for the inexcusable. Anyone had success in a situation like this?
Sorry for the long post!