Newlywed and we keep fighting about my husband parents…

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
5 posts
Newbee

Let him go on his own. Seriously I would be devastated if my future parent in laws were treating me so badly and you’re now his wife. There is no excuse for their behaviour or his inaction.

Take that vacation for yourself and let yourself recover!

Then after that you and your husband need to set some serious boundaries, as in he needs to do this. Because it will only get worse now you’ve married into his family.

How do his other relatives feel about the parents? If their sympathetic I would try to get them to talk to the parents but apart from that you need to relax!

Post # 3
Member
3220 posts
Sugar bee

View original reply
pussinboots07 :  Say to him something along these lines: “You have two options. 1.You stand up to your mother and let her know, without a shadow of doubt, that her behavior will not be tolerated any more, or consequences will follow, or, 2. She will get to meet the meanest b**ch she could ever imagine [you]. Your choice.”  Of course, you must then be willing to act accordingly. 

Post # 4
Member
2417 posts
Buzzing bee

I would not be attending this wedding. And I would be having very serious discussions with Darling Husband regarding ACTUALLY standing up to his parents and prioritizing the health of our marriage over his relationship with them.

The time for “splitting the difference” and trying to please whomever is in front of him at any given time was over the moment you got married. You are now his WIFE, and you are his highest priority. Period. Forever.

I would not be able to move forward in the marriage until he got that through his head.

The question of whether or not to go to the wedding is not the actual issue here. His refusal to honor you above his parents is. The wedding argument is just a symptom of the issue.

You need to fix the issue, not the symptom.

If you can’t get him to come around, you should get into couple’s therapy.

Given the extent of how nasty his mother is to you, I would start severely limiting contact, and even consider going No Contact.

Post # 5
Member
616 posts
Busy bee

No to the wedding. No to giving any more money to them. No to them visiting for long periods of time if you’re not comfortable with it.

You teach people how to treat you. If your husband wants to continue to be abused by his parents, that’s his perogative. But you will not stand for it anymore.

Get really strong with this. Your husband needs to know that he cannot sacrifice his wife’s happiness and sanity because he’s afraid to disappoint his parents. I’m sure at one point they taught him that disappointment was a part of life and that our actions have consequences. Time for him to teach it to them.

So no, you will not be going to India in December for a wedding. If they ask why, your husband will tell them, “You really upset pussinboots07 at our wedding when you did X, Y, Z. Because of your behavior at our first wedding, we’ve decided that we don’t want to go through with another one.” If he won’t say it, tell him YOU will do it. But either way his parents need to hear this. 

Teach them that they can’t treat you like crap and still get everything their way. If they treat you with respect, they will get it back. If they treat you like crap, there will be no relationship.

Show your husband how serious you are about this. Do it now before you spend the rest of your life being pushed around by them.

 

Post # 6
Member
1836 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

View original reply
pussinboots07 :  

However, he refuses to stand up to them, or do anything about their behavoir.  He literally won’t tell them no.  And there’s your actual problem.  You have a Darling Husband problem not a IL problem.

Man if I had a dollar for every time I said this…..sheesh!

Bee why you signed up for this without getting resolution or at least on the same page is beyond me.  I remember your other posts.  Did you think it would get better?  (Don’t even say yes because we told you otherwise)  I’m pretty sure we told you to address this B4 getting married.  Sooo you ignored your better sense and now you’re stuck.  You need to decide that you will at least stand up for yourself NOW or do nothing and stay miserable.  (Side note:There’s no way in hell a virtual stranger would say some shit to MY mother and get away with it…..no effing way in hell!)

In short…..get some therapy so you can grow a pair bee.

Post # 7
Member
5211 posts
Bee Keeper

F no I would not be going.

Just to clarify are you invited to attend another persons wedding? It’s not the reception for yours in India is it?

Either way…hell no. They were awful to you. No way. 

Post # 8
Member
7023 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I agree with PP–this is a husband problem far more than it is an inlaw problem. He’s willing to go along with his mother’s horrible behavior, even with them planning a wedding that the two of you will be stuck paying for without your agreement. Let him visit his parents alone while you Zen out at a spa. You already know he won’t have your back if you go–so don’t go. Don’t subject yourself to this any longer.

If he’s smart he won’t go either, and when she/they complain he’ll tell them that you are his wife, he won’t tolerate you being mistreated, you are already married and don’t need another wedding and if/when the two of you visit you will be staying in a hotel. If he’s not smart he’ll go and listen to his mother complain about what a horrible person you are and return to treat you poorly. If it’s the latter you will have some serious thinking to do, Bee. These relationship issues typically don’t just go away on their own. 

Post # 9
Member
538 posts
Busy bee

You know growing up my mother always told me that when I got older and got into a relationship, it was MY job to navigate my family and my boyfriend’s job to navigate his. Your husband should be taking care of this issue and if he’s not, you have a marital issue not a mother in law issue. 

When you get married you become a unit, partners and it’s your partner’s job to have your back. Even when it comes to his parents. 

Post # 11
Member
401 posts
Helper bee

I obviously don’t know your background but I definitely agree with PPs that you should not go to India for this wedding. You also need to discuss this seriously with your husband. He can no longer put his parents first, you are his WIFE. As for going to India at all, if you truly are scared to be with your Mother-In-Law alone then heed these anxieties. In India women have fewer rights and in some regions are still victims of honour killings. I have heard so many stories of women who have travelled to India for their husband/boyfriend who haven’t returned. I am not suggesting that this is what would happen but to caution you that by traveling to India to stay with a family who hasn’t treated you kindly you could be putting yourself at risk. 

Post # 12
Member
538 posts
Busy bee

I hope you don’t mind me saying this but I wouldn’t have even gotten married in the first place. I couldn’t be married to someone that I didn’t trust to support me and back me up. (Or someone who would justify someone else being physically violent to me or anyone else for that matter.) 

I also get the feeling that you yourself know you shouldn’t have gone thru with this wedding. When you mentioned your wedding in your latest post you talked of obligation and expectations; two things I don’t associate with motivations for what should be a joining of love.

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