- 6 years ago
- Wedding: February 2012
My husband and I have only been married a few months, but we’ve already been fighting a lot, mostly about his evasive-seeming behaviors (i.e., hiding a lotion he bought from me b/c he was embarassed it wasn’t “manly”) and his indifferent reactions when I let him know hiding things/lyings doesn’t sit well with me, be it silly or serious things you’re lying about. When I approach him, I think I’m expecting more of a “dream husband, so sorry I hurt you response!” Yes,I understand this is unrealistic, but I’m sure other ladies can relate to having woman-level expectations of a man’s communication skills as a measure of his love.
To catch you up, we dated for 3 years before we got married, and went to counseling when we were engaged for both general pre-marital preparation to make sure we both understood the other’s needs, and to discuss a few particular issues surrounding his sometimes insignificant, othertimes hurtful lying. Some are white lies to protect him from embarassment (No, I didn’t eat that whole pizza myself … heh), some big/awkward (No, I don’t look at porn — followed by me finding hidden porn in his apartment before we married, ugh). Anyways, we addressed all of these issues in counseling almost a year ago now, and he expressed his lying is often fueld by embarassment or insecurity. I forgave him, but I knew, even if some of the lies were small, it was going to take time for me to completely resolve simply being lied to. Big or small, my trust for him was damaged, but he promised he’d work to rebuild it.
Anyways, my point is lately, I’ve found myself worried he’s hiding stuff again. For example, I found out shortly before the wedding he was spending nearly $40/month on lottery tickets but never told me. We weren’t discussing our spending habits if they weren’t over $100 at the time, but I have to admit I judged him for what I saw as throwing money down the drain. I saw him staring at lottery poster in a store window the other day, and then he swore he was just “looking inside.” Bull! Omg, just tell me you were looking at the poster. Stop lying about small, stupid things! Being lied to in the past by him has made me super anxious at times. Thoughts?
Update: Please Read Before Replying
For all of you telling me I need to be less judgmental, maybe it would help to divulge more information. I really didn’t want to share this, but I think doing so may actually help me get well-rounded feedback. Blah. Here it goes. Put yourself in my shoes. Shortly after you get engaged, you discover a framed photo you gave to your fiance as a gift stuffed away in a cabinet with porn dolls and porn DVDs a WEEK after he told you how happy he was to display it on his desk at work. You later discover (over a period of three extremely emotional days of him letting more and more out not by choice, but by you asking every uncomfortable question under the sun) that he has looked at porn almost daily the entire time you’ve been dating, yes, even those nights before he came to visit. Oh, and he saved his favorite photos in a folder he’d look at, the times he claimed to be thinking of you. Oh, and he rents out a storage locker in his basement that you didn’t know about for 2 years of more porn, boxes of it he admits he was “holding on to in case this, i.e., you and him, didn’t work out because he’s insecure and was single for a long time before he met you” And that’s after you’re engaged. Sorry to be candid, but this is where my trust issues come from. And no, he didn’t come totally clean when first approached. He continued to try to hide things the days following, which caused you to catch him time and time again trying to hide his secret porn-loving life. Since then, the small lies are still rampant, making you feel like he learned nothing from the hurt/embarassment he put you through having to discuss these things in front of a stranger in counseling. Yet, your nagging and asking questions gets him down and more prone to lying. What’s the happy medium when you feel like he’s made no effort to be more transparent?