- 7 years ago
- Wedding: August 2011
I just read another thread with a link to article on how some women proceed with marriage eventhough they know the man’s not for them. The link’s here: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/why-so-many-of-us-marry-the-wrong-person
In hindsight, the reasons all look stupid. But hindsight’s 20/20 or (6/6). Those decisions are often made under emotional circumstances, with lots of external pressure.
The question is what to do if you feel like you’ve married the wrong person, but still want to make the marriage work?
I admit I’m asking because I feel this way. And yes, I’m a newlywed who had his church wedding about a month ago. Recently, I’ve been asking myself “how the heck did I end up here?” I know part of the answer lies in that I’m a passive person, and also tend to be a people pleaser, so I don’t always put my own thoughts and feelings ahead of others. I don’t ask the difficult questions. I avoid conflict. I just go with the flow, coast along, thinking I’m an easy going guy. In this case, I didn’t think deeper about what exactly I was doing, and am now paying for it. So yes, I know its my fault for not being more thoughtful, but I want to salvage the situation.
How we ended up married was a bit of a roller-coasted ride. We dated for a year and decided to get married about 1.5 years after we started dating. She got cold feet, and so we called off the wedding 2 months before it. We stayed separated for about 4 months, but I missed her, and we talked through some of our issues, and we got back together. We continued dating for about a year after. Then, I made plans to go to grad school overseas, and the only way she could follow is if we got married. So we made plans to get married in about half a year’s time, then leave the country. Unfortunately, shortly after those plans were made, I was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s lymphoma. A highly treatable form of cancer, I was shocked, but still optimistic. I finished treatment in 6 months with the cancer “cured.” I was all set to get on with the rest of my life, so we continued with my grad school plans, and of course the wedding.
In hindsight, I should have slowed things down. Cancer is a big deal, and I still feel the effects of the epxerience and treatment months after. I was just so ready to put cancer behind me that I wanted to resume a normal life. About a month before the wedding, a whole bunch of emotions hit me, and I started having cold feet. I think I also became depressed after treatment, and saw a shrink for that. All the things I thought I could tolerate about my fiancee seemed amplified, and I felt that I was marrying the wrong person. But again, it was a emotional period, with pressure from all directions, and to cut a long story short, I got married.
I think I really painted myself into a corner, not just with the marriage, but how I’ve handled life recently. Right now, I’m overseas in a foreign country, newlywed in a shaky marriage, living together for the first time and with a new routine to grapple with. Any of these would be challenging individually.
Again, I keep thinking “how did I get here?”
My wife isn’t a bad person. She just has a very different personality to mine. I can’t say we’re incompatible, but I can’t say we’re compatible either. We get along fine, but that’s it. Sometimes, I feel like I’m just hanging out with a friend, and I love her as a friend. I don’t feel a special spark, a connection, or particularly look forward to coming home each day to her (nor do I dread it). I sometimes also feel like I just want to be alone by myself.
I know there are many layers to my problem. And I know couples counselling is important. I’ve already spoken to my wife about this, and she said she’s not going anywhere. But she is only human, and my negativity can get to her. She’s wondered why do I sometimes feel happier with my friends than with her. Also, we’re supposed to be in our honeymoon phase. This isn’t suppose to happen!
As Christians, we both don’t believe divorce is an option. But when I feel very low, I sometimes fantisise with the idea of getting the marriage annulled. I’m not proud of it, but I have flash backs to life when I was single, and think of the good marriages/relationships my friends are in. It’s especially bad in the mornings when I wake up thinking all these thoughts.
I don’t expect instant solutions from the board, but I was wondering if anyone had any resources to help me think through this difficult situation. I know the mind’s powerful – you either master it, or it masters you. So I’m hoping for anything that’ll help me have a better and more realistic understanding of marriage, and not see it through rose-tinted lens.
I’m explore older threads. Perhaps this has been discussed before. But any advice/thoughts would be appreciated.