(Closed) Newlywed DH wanted to end marriage over something really dumb…success story!

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
401 posts
Helper bee

um…im glad your happy? This whole situation seems very bizarre, and im confused as to why you desire to treat your husband as a dog. i really hope this isnt whats waiting for me on the other side of the altar. 

Im also confused, is your advice to ignore issues? Or to communicate? 

Post # 3
Member
1079 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

cucumberroll:  I think that’s the worst advice ever. You can train your husband and sculpt him. But that doesn’t mean to lay down and be his bitch and not stand up for yourself. 

 

Sorry, but I’ll take my chances and argue and voice my opinion until I can’t talk anymore. I know he won’t leave me and I won’t leave him. 

Post # 4
Member
2942 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I think ignorning it is what got you into this mess in the first place. The better advice is to communicate the moment you know there is an issue you want to talk about and pick your timing. I know with my Darling Husband right away in the morning is a terrible time to talk with him about anything that would stick and was a major issue.

At your IL’s is a major place that isn’t great to communicate (never argue infront of others if it can be avoided!) I love my IL’s but I would never bring up something sensative in front of them or even in their house. It happens on both sides, as my Darling Husband will have problems that occure at my parent’s place too. If there is an issue while we are with either of our parents, Darling Husband and I wait until we are alone to talk about it.

Also, I think the way you approached the topic seems to be a problem point. Instead of “Honey, its my birthday, can we cuddle for a bit?” You put the entire issue on the table at once. So not only did you spring an issue on your Darling Husband, you sprang it on him at a bad place at what was likely a bad time of the day.

Now, you are stopping communcating again. You will have to bring this issue up again, and ignoring it is not going to fix it. Your MIL’s advice about chosing when to have a discussion is not the same as ignoring it.

Post # 5
Member
326 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Men aren’t animals that need to be “trained”. Effort needs to be put forth by both parties for a successful marriage.

“Then IF he wants to talk, they do. If not, she does it later at a better time.” What if he never wants to talk? What if there is no “better time”? I get that its sometimes better to wait to discuss things like when both of you have a clear head but what you’re saying just sounds like ignoring the problem altogether and hoping it goes away.

ETA: Fiance and I have lived together for a little over a year now. I know, its a drop in the bucket compared to your IL’s 30+ years but never once have we ever threatened to leave each other. Why? Because when we do have arguments we COMMUNICATE and discuss our problems. 

 

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 8 months ago by  rmsgirl.
Post # 6
Member
561 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Training. Like a dog.

Or, you know, you could marry a human being and work on communication skills like adults do.

Post # 7
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016 - Blue Devil Golf Club

I agree, I’m confused by this….so the trick to a good marriage is to fawn over him and only speak about issues you are having when he wants to? otherwise smile and nod? this sounds a little stepford wife like for me.  Thats just my opinion.

Post # 8
Member
1403 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

You got terrible advice and I hope you are going to couples counseling because his reaction of “this marriage is over” is either a totally disproportionate escalation or a sign that your marriage has been trouble for a long time and you don’t realize it.

Post # 9
Member
789 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

cucumberroll:  I (think) what you are getting it is how both of you are feeling is valid.  You felt unloved, and he felt like you said he would never be good enough. Waiting until you are both ready to talk is great and really opens the line for communication – screaming, yelling, and talking at each is not communication. 

However, I personally would not be comfortable moving on from this fight without an apology from him – threatening divorce is a big deal.

Post # 11
Member
2573 posts
Sugar bee

violet21293:   I don’t think you the only one going to be confused about this….. does seem very strange.

Am I getting this right OP your husband wanted to divorce because you wanted to talk about  your feelings?? Seems like he doesn’t take your marriage very seriously and I wouldn’t want to be married to a man that would leave me at the drop of a hat.

Kinda sounds like you patched the problem instead of fixing it. If he cannot communicate with you this is going to come up  again.

Post # 12
Member
390 posts
Helper bee

I don’t disagree that maybe you dumped all your feelings on your husband at once in a way that would be difficult for him to deal with, but I have a major problem with anyone whose first response to conflict is “DIVORCE!”, especially not even a full year into the marriage.  

Also, if your husband is not good at communicating or displaying emotion, perhaps his mother is not the best person to get advice from.  He learned his behaviors, that already aren’t working for you, observing his parents when he was growing up.

Post # 13
Member
160 posts
Blushing bee

I agree – not sure what to do with this story? The first thing that jumps out at me is that you mention you shouldn’t have played games with your stopping affection, but then you go on to say you’re going to train him (ie: play games) by not being intimate with him unless he does what you tell him to do. Wow. It’s also been a day and change since your fight, I don’t know if that is enough measure to say “success story”. Personally I think instead of ignoring a problem or “training” your husband, communication is the key to a successful marriage. Why not just tell him what’s bothering you in a non-emotional way (“when you do this, I feel ___”), listen to his response, and try to meet in the middle. I don’t know how long you were dating, but did he ever do anything for your birthday before? If he didn’t, why would you expect it now? Personally, I would be a bit concerned that after a “nonsense” fight, he immediately jumps to divorce.

It sounds like you feel this has been a success, but I think your “advice” is a little strange and not at all what I would tell someone to do, but if it works for you and your marriage is doing well, then keeping do that.

Post # 14
Member
1039 posts
Bumble bee

Sorry, but I think that’s terrible advice.

If you can’t be honest about your expectations in a relationship, it’s going to be a long and bumpy road. You’re going to spend the rest of your life with this man – there’s absolutely nothing wrong with sitting down with him and saying that certain things like big birthday celebnrations, daily affection and random compliments are important to you and how much you love it when he does those things.

If his solution is to get defensive and say he wants to divorce you because of something as stupid as being honest about your feelings, you guys have some serious soul searching to do about the way you communicate within this marriage.

Ignoring the problem never ever helps. It’s going to linger until he does something that sets you off and you lose it.

Post # 15
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Somewhere in there, there is some wisdom from your Mother-In-Law about picking your battles, but (a) her version of it is a little too subservient-Stepford for me, and (b) I think all the rhetoric about “training” your husband is pretty distasteful, joke or no. If my husband said he couldn’t divorce me because he invested too much time “training me up,” well… no jury would convict me for the actions that would follow. Why should it be okay for either spouse to show that level of disrespect, regardless of gender?

Don’t ignore stuff. You guys have some pretty major work to do on your communication skills, if your response to feeling isolated was to surprise emotional vomit on him and his response was to threaten divorce. I am glad you feel like things worked out for you, but this does not sound like a success story to me.

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