Post # 61
You do realize that you will run into the same communication problem with your husband when something else comes up where you’re not happy with his behavior? Fighting patterns don’t magically fix themselves. You ignoring your unhappiness with a situation, then finally bringing it up with him…him overreacting and threatening divorce rather than talking it out like adults. Your MIL’s advice is just a temporary fix, in the long run, your husband is going to learn that he can do what he wants because no matter what you will always be nice to him with a smile on your face. Also even if your Mother-In-Law knows your husband best, it’s a bad idea to get parents involved in your personal marital affairs. It will slap you in the face later.
Post # 62
So if your spouse threatens divorce your advice is to hold hands and pretend like it didn’t happen? Ooookaaaay?
Post # 63
Everyone is piling on at this point…but I hope you continue in this marriage with eyes wide open. It doesn’t sound like it’s going very well.
Post # 64
I am not married yet but if I have a problem about anything I talk to my fiance about it and he solves it.
Communication is key to a healthy relationship. Your husband isn’t a dog he is a human being. I don’t think trainning him and ignorning him really works. If you want your relationship to work you have to communicate otherwise how will he knows how you feel. He is not a mind reader so tell him how you feel and compromise.
Post # 65
cucumberroll: I’m sorry for how youre being treated by the other BEEs in this thread, if they don’t like the advice you were given then they should move off of the thread. There is no reason for these comments that seem to only be rude.
As far as the advice, you never said how old you are which I think makes a difference, and I also think relationships need training.
Learning how to be in a relationship is a SKILL, it’s not inborn knowledge. We are trained to do EVERYTHING in life! How do you know how to send a letter, because someone showed you and you learned, that is the essence of training. Does it mean that you are running your relationship with a whip and chair…of course not.
I think your Mother-In-Law gave you great advice for being married to HER son. The type of conflict resolution that she suggested is what she had practiced in her own home and therefore what Darling Husband will probably respond most favorable to. Would I have the discipline to behave as you have, probably not (I’m a little more of a baby…lol) But I totally think your Mother-In-Law gave you great advice for dealing with her child.
The most important thing in a marriage is to be able to get your needs met, and to meet the needs of the other person. As long as this advice helps you do that in your relationship, and you feel empowered by it, then I say GO FOR IT.
Living together for the first time is fraught with pitfalls, and it’s going to take some practice and training both ways to make your marriage great. I wish you all the best!
Post # 66
jily: You said it- this is the way to deal with her CHILD. OP is not his mother. She is his partner. There are different expectations and he is accountable to her in different ways.
Post # 67
jily: Every single word of this must be a joke…. OP is not her husbands mother. This ‘advice’ she gave was completely dysfunctional.
Post # 68
I would suggest counseling.
Post # 69
jily: Yeah, ignoring him is a great way to deal with a son throwing a tantrum. I guess OP should be comforted by the fact that she married a child instead of a man?
Post # 70
cucumberroll: a small issue does not entail threathening a divorce.
Post # 71
Darling Husband and I have never had a fight while we were dating, engaged, or married. yes, we’ve disagreed but never a fight. if either of us has a problem, we talk about it like adults. we don’t wait for a plateful of issues and then throw it at the other person. that is not fair.
best advice i ever got from my mom: “don’t go to bed angry.”
Post # 72
Ooooooh boy. How old are you, OP? And what century are you living in? I’m 25 and out here in the real world, it’s 2015. Not 1950.
The only ‘training’ you are doing right now is teaching your Darling Husband he can be a total ass hole, threaten divorce and you’ll smile, hold his hand, and plan elaborate birthday festivities for him.
I actually hope you’re super young and we can chalk this up to naivety and hope you figure out how real adult relationships work before this goes any further. Good luck with you’re new puppy and have fun ignoring your feelings until you’re a shell of a woman with no real value or purpose in your relationship.
Post # 73
cucumberroll: Obviously I am in the minority, but I completely know where you are coming from! I am comparing the “Ignore it” advice to saying “Let it go.” My DH’s initial reaction to certain things can sometimes be pretty extreme, and I have learned that 1) I have either presented it poorly, or 2) he needs time to process his thoughts and feelings and we’ll revisit the topic later. Granted, divorce is way extreme (it’s not even an option and would be a HUGE deal if it was even mentioned), but still I can relate. Over the past 2 years I’ve definitely learned that communicating serious topics & feelings is all about timing and presentation. I think that’s the main point of your post. If timing isn’t best or if it initially doesn’t go well, don’t let it divide you and cause a huge rift between you. Just wanted to show you some support!! 🙂
ETA – I’ve done similar “training” with my Darling Husband. He is NOT a romantic type, but has learned that I need that extra-special attention every now and then . I’ve outlined the basics and what I expect for each holiday/anniversary in order for me to not feel let down (flowers and a box of my favorite chocolates – nothing extravagent). With that, he has direction and knows he can’t royally screw it up, and anything extra will be a bonus! I used to mentally build up all the things Darling Husband “should” do for me on these days, and I’d end up being disappointed and feeling unappreciated. Since then, anytime he does something thoughtful (maybe brings cupcakes home from my favorite bakery just because), I lay on the gratitude and get all lovey. He’s since put two and two together and I’m a happy camper! 🙂
Post # 74
Okay everyone, this has obviously gotten off track. Closing now for review.