(Closed) Newlywed husband going out frequently without me…long post

posted 11 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
435 posts
Helper bee

No, you are not wrong.  The no spouse thing is  bad.  I’d be very upset. 

Post # 4
5495 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I think it’s okay for him to go out every now and then, but the “no spouses” baby showers and movie nights are uncalled for.

Post # 5
1194 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

It sounds like something that the two of you need to sit down and discuss.  My main questions would be, why you don’t like him going out so much and whether some of those outings are ones that he can take you with him to.  You guys needs to figure out a way to compromise so the two of you can both be comfortable with his going out.

For me, my fiance (who I live with) is out 3 night days a week – 2 of the days to work on his Ebay business and 1 of the days to have a guy’s night.  We also tend to spend a few days on the weekends apart, to spend time with our friends and family.  I feel like we spend less time together than the other husband and wife/engaged couples we hang out with, but we’ve compromised and have agreed that we’re both comfortable with our schedules and freedom.

Speak with him – don’t make it into an argument – and let him know how you feel, ask him how he feels and figure out a compromise.

Post # 6
654 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I’m not married yet but have faced similar situations so I hope you don’t mind me butting in on this…

I don’t think you’re wrong to be upset, especially at the fact that it seems like theres so many “no spouses allowed” functions.. To me I’d probably feel like he was just making that title up as an excuse to have some time on his own. I do feel like there should probably be a compromise. My FH plays pool at a local bar atleast once a week but usually twice. On weeks that he plays twice I usually will go with him one night just to get out and have a little bit of socialization. We also play cards with another couple once a week as a way of having a night out but together. Its okay for him to do his own thing but its important to do things together as well.. Maybe suggest something to him like “well hunny since you’re going out to do xyz by yourself on such and such night do you think we could see a movie or do abc together on wednesday?” Good Luck

Post # 7
1023 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Hmm, so he’s going out multiple times a week and not including you? That would bother me. I think its perfectly acceptable to have seperate activities, especially if you are doing other things, but his are all the time! I don’t get the no spouse thing with work collegues, how do other spouses feel?

Post # 8
1230 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

You definitely need to talk to him and let him know how you feel. You need to be clear about how his actions are upsetting you. Tell him that you don’t feel comfortable with him spending so much time apart from you and that you would like to go out with him sometimes. I think it’s good that he has his time away from you and is able to spend time with his friends but clearly, the amount of time he is spending away from you is bothering you and you need to let him know that. You guys need to come up with a compromise that works for both of you. Maybe it would help if you went out with some of your friends on the nights he is out with his friends.

Post # 9
97 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Sorry…I feel like no job would have this many events planned that are employee-only.  Even if they were during this time of money-crunch, I would find it odd that EVERY event is employee only.  I agree with the other bees – its time to have a chat.

Post # 10
272 posts
Helper bee

I wonder too if one part of the problem is that he seems to be socializing with a group of people who are not of a “coupled” mindset – which is sort of weird.  I’m all for occasional guys’ nights out (or girls’-nights for me!), but I think something like a baby shower would naturally include both members of a couple.  Could his whole group of coworkers become more inclusive of spouses, so that you can get to know these people with whom your husband spends so much time?

Also, and I mean this in a delicate way, is it possible that there might be some feelings of jealousy because he’s out having fun while you’re saddled with school and work?  I’m not sure how I would feel if i was supposed to sit at home because he was doing work – that doesn’t seem quite fair either.

Post # 11
535 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I just want to throw in there.. before my Fiance and I got our own place we lived with my parents. While he got along with my family and we had lots of time and space to ourselves he was completely unhappy with the situation, almost to the point of depression. He did everything he could to not be home.. and if that meant we were apart then we were apart.

I didn’t understand any of this until I talked to him about why he was always out.

So I do think you should talk to him, but maybe ask if that’s one of the problems. If it is, then I think it’s time that you try to move out. Maybe look for cheap apartments or look into renting a house.

Post # 12
4765 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2011 - Vintage Villas

I definitely think that the occasional guys night out (or girls night out!) is healthy and a good idea, but it sounds like he’s taking it a bit too far – going out multiple times a week without you, especially when you’ve made it clear that you don’t like it, it’s really right.

You should definitely try to sit down and have a talk with him, and I think that Stassney brought up a great point – it could have something to do with being at your parents house! I hope you guys are able to work out a compromise!

Post # 13
1045 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2008

I would be completely fine with my husband going out alone with his friends/work mates, as long as I also got enough quality time with him on my own.  Is he taking part in these things in lieu of spending time with you, or does he also plan nights for you two to spend together?

It would never even occur to me to want to attend the baby shower of one of my husband’s coworkers– I would think it would just be awkward, and I’d much rather have a free Sunday afternoon to do my own thing.  It sounds like you’re really busy in the evenings with schoolwork– would you rather he just stayed home with you, even though you couldn’t hang out with him?  How many nights per month would you say he socializes alone?

Could you possibly set up a couple of date nights each week, where you set aside the schoolwork and do things together?  Like have Tuesday cooking/movie night, and Sunday dinner out night?  Sometimes establishing routines like this really helps ensure that you spend quality time together (not just TV/couch time).

Post # 15
570 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2009

Just out of curiosity, what does your husband do?  I’ve been to a few work events where spouses are not invited simply because we wanted time to kvetch and complain about our jobs, and people who are not in my profession don’t always understand why on earth we could possibly be complaining (I’m a teacher).  I’m in no way defending ANYONE in this case, just curious.  I have yet to be invited to a single one of my husband’s happy hours that his company does, as well.  I wouldn’t really want to go, though, and listen to them talk about berms and other landscaping things.  Again, just curious!  If it’s something you are uncomfortable with, then the conversation needs to be had (and had again and again if necessary) until both you and your husband are comfortable with the arrangement.

Post # 16
1573 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I’ll be the devil’s advocate here.

It’s fine to talk about your feelings but to me it sounds like your husband married you because he is committed to you. He sounds like he hasn’t had enough of his party days over yet. Plus you not having time probably contributes to it. I am the same way, when I married my husband we were long distance two years but I was  partying about 4 to 5 times a week, coming home maybe 4 to 5am on weekends, coming home 1030pm 1100pm on weeknights, I was always always faithful, but I still went out and had a fun time partying with my girlfriends in NYC while staying faithful, it was fun. Fast forward getting married moving to a different country. I still cant get the party girl out of my system, I managed to make lots of new friends, the majority are single who love to go out; I will still go out now 2 x a week especially since my hubby works nights and studies in the day, I keep occupied, I am more conservative now, because I dont have to be the last one at the party and I bring my husband along too, sometimes because we are a unit, but it doesnt mean my life has ended. I go out with girlfriends it doesnt mean my social life is over–although it doesnt bring the same enjoyment as it did before.  I am more settled now and dont go out as much as I did before and I miss my husband when he is not with me. It’s different, I am transitioning.  

I say let up a little bit, he married you right, the more paranoid you become, the more he will balk, you married him knowing he is a party animal.I think you are making things worse chaining him to you the more he will resent you, I think instead of focussing on his nights out, plans nights for the two of you. It is true most work events should include spouses, but that is how they operate, its probably more single oriented, the majority of their work crowd is probably single; you are probably very busy with your stuff, he needs an outlet, so find time to enjoy with your husband so he will be around you more often. People are busy thats why you have to make the time. takes two to tango.


Good luck, loosen up on the chains,lighten up before problems start, look at it from his standpoint, he comes home to you, you nagging him is going to drive him away from you even more. Find time for the two of you, instead of faulting him, focus on the two of you.  I think you both need to compromise, plan nights for both of you, let him go out, in the end he comes home to his wife; he even cried and really wanted to marry you when you almost broke it off—men do not commit and get married unless they are committed, trust me. he definitely loves you. You probably feel worse off bec whiles he’s enjoying yourself you have to work and study.

Good luck!!!

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