(Closed) Newlywed husband going out frequently without me…long post

posted 11 years ago in Married Life
Post # 17
Member
2767 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

It does sound bad.  Maybe you two need to just make sure you schedule some time together?  Right now it sounds like he is so busy there would be no time for you.  My husband and I got married 4 months ago and since then have made a point of having a weekly date night – just for us.  It’s Thursday nights and we know that is our night to spend together for dinner and going out to a movie or something.  Do we spend other nights together during the week?  Yes.  But, Thursdays are guaranteed to be our night even if the rest of the week is really busy.  It gives us each something to look forward to all week when work and school keep us busy.

I also think it seems wrong that your husband goes to events where spouses aren’t allowed.  He must have a lot of single guy friends.  I guess I’m lucky in that all of my friends have significant others or spouses who are also friends with my husband.  So we all hang out as couples all the time.  I would see if you could do something about the “no spouse” rule.  That just seems rude and inconsiderate.  Your husband’s friends should understand that you are married now and your husband can’t continue living the single life.  

Post # 18
Member
3871 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Yeah I agree with the others that the no spouse showers is just rude.

I don’t know about everything else.

I work full time (50-60) hours a week and I’m going to school part time, so I really have little time to do anything.  DH is keep asking me if I will go see a movie with him.  He really likes going to see movies.  That’s his thing.  Well, with school, I don’t have time.  So he goes by himself.  There are even times, he goes to the movies by himself and he asks me if I’m mad.  I tell him that just because I have no life doesn’t’ mean he has too.  He doesn’t have many friends out here since we moved and I know he would love to go out to the bars and stuff but like i said i don’t have time.  Usually sundays I can spend a chunk of time with him. (dinner, movies or game night or shopping)  I do wish he went out on his own and to meet some friends but he doesn’t want to. 

Now this is all within reason.  It sounds like he going to a lot of get togethers with work.  Like a lot. 

I think you need to have a talk with him.  Maybe instead of going out with his coworkers one night, maybe you two should go out to dinner, see a movie.  I think you need some us time… with just the two of you.  Maybe have a compromise, for every two work get togethers, you need to have one husband and wife time.

Post # 20
Member
2206 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I think a lot of this comes down to expectations. I often work 70+ hour weeks, and Fiance is very social and goes out with his friends almost every night. I don’t expect this to change at all when we are married. These are my expectations.

But if you have different expectations, you need to clearly articulate them.

For me, there is a problem if Fiance regularly chooses to go out alone even if I also want to join him. Currently, that isn’t a problem. I am always invited along, and if I want to do something else, I trump any casual plans.

On the incident before the wedding, you guys need to figure out how to handle those situations. We have a policy that if we drink too much, we can call to wake eachother up or call a cab. Leave the car, do not drive. Do you guys have a policy? Drinking and driving is no joke, and while spending the night unplanned somewhere else is upsetting, it can also be responsible, in the absense of a safe way home.

Post # 21
Member
233 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I totally sympathize about being stuck at home doing work while Fiance seems to be having all the fun.

However, if you are too busy to have fun with the guy at night, its hard to see why he would want to stay home. It’s kind of only fair, right? Of course, if you are sitting there with nothing to do, he should absolutely be spending his time with you instead of attending all these work events! Why don’t you get out and spend some nights out too! Let him know how it feels for change.

 

Post # 22
Member
454 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I have no advice. I just find that really weird. Do all his coworkers hate their spouses? I mean it sounds like they must all be leaving significant others home alot – or excluding them from these events.  Are you friends with any of his coworker’s partners?  See what they’re feeling about the matter.  I just think it’s odd that if most of them have SOs that at least one of them isn’t saying “hey maybe we should invite our spouses/partners/etc”.  That’s just odd.

Must be a nice work environment for him but really? Odd. odd odd odd.

Post # 23
Member
66 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

I agree with the bees who have said it’s odd and that you need to speak to each other. 

One other aspect of this that I haven’t yet seen pointed out is that you said you’re living with your parents because you can’t yet afford your own home. I am by no means saying that he shouldn’t ever go out, or that he should be house-bound in order to save money. However, if I were in your position, I would be highly annoyed at all of these outings where, not only are you being excluded (either by him or by his coworkers, I’m not entirely convinced which), but that money that could be saved towards getting your own place was being potentially pissed away at the bar or restaurant.

Committed to you or not, I find it to disrespectful that he’s continuing to do things that clearly upset you. Not that he shouldn’t EVER be able to go out without you, but that whole forsaking all others thing should apply here. You’re his wife, you come before the coworkers. 

Post # 24
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee

I can understand and sympathize with your point of view. 

But, I think your approach is a little bit that of a prison guard and is not appropriate for a marriage.  I see this all the time – the mentality that a spouse has the right to control their partner’s movements and it makes me sad.  If he is not spending enough time with you – that’s a problem in your relationship you need to address but if you are busier than he is what in the world is wrong with him going out without you?  You signed up for lifetime commitment not to being joined at the hip.  If he is not doing something you want him to do you can bring that up and discuss but if you just object to him hanging out with friends? 

I would hate feeling that I can’t make decisions about what to do or where to go and feeling controlled would drive me away from Fiance. 

It’s another issue that I always check in with Fiance to make sure things don’t conflict etc. but by marrying him I didn’t give him control over my calendar.  He married me, the individual. 

Needing different amount of ‘together’ time is not a sign of who loves who more it’s simply a personality difference.  Sometimes you have to give him time to miss you.

Today I spent the day alone and had sooo sooo much fun and pleasure from that but now… I’m starting to look forward to Fiance coming home – I miss him.

Post # 25
Member
76 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I feel that all couples need to spend time apart, but obviously it depends on what they are doing with that time. I find it odd that all these events are for coworkers only. I am always invited out to happy hours, game nights, etc. with his coworkers, but often decline because it’s not my thing. My fiance will go for a short time but not spend the whole night out. On weekends they all head to the bars and sometimes give him a hard time for not going, but they are all single men or only casually dating.

We had one instance where he went out for a coworkers birthday (I was invited but did not want to be the only girl) at 7pm and didn’t come home until 4am. After they returned from the bars at 2am, he passed out and when he woke up he was terrified to call me so he got someone to give him a ride home. I was more concerned that something had happened to him (hit by a car, mugged, arrested, etc.) than him staying out. I was livid to say the least and he apologized for a long time and has never done anything like it again.

My ex husband on the other hand often went out with the guys and never checked in or didn’t come home until all hours of the morning. I didn’t mind about the going out (within reason) since I went out a lot with my friends, but was always grilled about who I was with, what we were doing and where we were. And after we divorced, I found out he often flirted with girls (same with the other married or committed friends of his) and did not behave as a married man should.

Post # 26
Member
601 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

I agree with the pp’s that you and the hubby need to have a chat.

My husband goes to different events at least twice a week, and a lot of the time I don’t go, but that’s my choice. I’m always welcome to go if I want, and DH prefers me to go with him. If he was going out twice a week to events I was not welcome at, then I would absolutely NOT be okay with that. IMO, it’s about respecting your relationship as husband and wife, and by him going to all these events that you’re not welcome out is disrespectful to you.

As for him just going out with buddies, I think that’s totally fine. Everybody needs time with their friends away from the daily grind- I love my girl’s nights, just like DH loves his guy nights. It’s the things that you’re not welcome at that raises a red flag for me.

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. Good luck!

Post # 27
Member
465 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this- I wish I had good advice, but my sister and her BF are having issues like this, and nothing i suggest seems to help! I may direct her to this thread so she can try the other bee’s ideas! Good luck <3

Post # 28
Member
1738 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

mmmm… if i was you i will have a serious conversation with him and if it doesnt work and he continue then hire a private investigator… but that what i will do in your case…

i think every story he gave you is really weird, so have a conversation with him

Post # 29
Member
343 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Yikes, this sounds really bad.  And while my instinct is to offer words of comfort, I have to admit that what he’s saying sounds really sketchy and I would not believe him.  Who ever heard of a BABY SHOWER where men were invited, but their spouses were specifically un-invited?  And who ever heard of after-hours movie nights where spouses were not invited??  That sounds so weird, because OF COURSE people spend their time after work with their families & spouses, not more time with their work buddies.  It makes no sense to me, and I would be suspicious

Post # 30
Member
1998 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

I asked my husband about your situation, and he said that the “no significant others” work events are strange. Our co-workers and friends tend to have a “more the merrier” attitude toward most things, unless there’s going to be limited space or something like that.

My husband has guy hang out time once a week for a Dungeons & Dragons campaign, but I sometimes even tag along to that to hang out with the other players’ wives/SOs. Occasional “guys nights” or “girls nights” where one or the other of us go out take place, for sure, but for the most time, we’re together.

For sure, you’re in a difficult situation becuase it seems like you can’t go out sometimes, but the times when you’re not even invited are just strange, especially these events with his co-workers. You need to have a serious talk, for sure, BUT …

1. Remain calm. Don’t bring it up when you’re already upset about this or about something else.

2. Don’t accuse. Use those “I” statements everyone talks about. “When I’m not invited to your work events, and you go anyway, I feel unimportant to you,” for example.

3. Don’t talk down to him. Remeber that he is an adult, and not a child. Acknowledge to him that he can make his own decisions, but that since you two are married, his decisions affect you also.

4.Listen. Ask him how he feels and why it’s so important to him to go to these events. Ask him, (in a non-confrontational way) if he doesn’t want you to go along, and if so, why. If he doesn’t want you there, try not to take it personally. Just listen!

5. Try to come to a solution that is acceptable to you both. See if you can agree on guidelines for when it’s OK for either of you to go out alone — For example, under certain circumstances, like if you have to do school work or if the other person isn’t interested in going, it’s alright to go out alone. Or maybe it’s OK for him to go out a certain number of times per week.

These are just my suggestions.

*big hugs!*

I hope you guys can sort this out soon!

Post # 31
Member
26 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2011

The thing that really gets me is the “no spouse” thing. I can understand occassionally having a co-workers only outing, but frequently….not so much!?!? That’s slightly ridiculous. I would definitely sit down with him and tell him what exactly is bothering you-don’t beat around the bush, just be direct and to the point. Maybe he is finding it difficult living at your parents house and even though it sounds like your family is gone alot he might feel like he is smothered. I would just be open and honest and encourage him to do the same.

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