- 11 years ago
- Wedding: August 2009
updates! I wonder what happened
updates! I wonder what happened
So I see a request for an update.
Well, thank you again, all of you, for taking an interest in this, and some really sounds advice.
First, I asked him if he feels miserable/smothered/depressed living at my parents house, He said that although he doesn’t want to leave here forever, he is pretty comfortable. I kind of already knew that though..he has no problem falling asleep pretty much anywhere in the house. I should’ve mentioned that we dated for 6 years prior to getting married, so he’s very familiar with everything.
He brought up the baby shower thing again by himself last night. He had the gall to ask me to bake/cook something for it because it’s also a potluck. So not only is our money going for a gift, I’m supposed to cook for these people too. I refused to participate in ANY cooking as I am totally against the event altogether. I asked him about why no spouses, and he said that sometimes his work people want to organize events for work people and that’s it. Yes they do birthdays where we are both invited, (we have gone before, it’s just not that frequent), and that’s when we both go. I did say that it is kind of disrespectful of him to dedicate his free time on a weekend to something like this. (bunny, I know, I may not have fully followed your points, but I worked hard to do the – “when you do this, it makes me feel this”) He said that I have too many rules and restrictions as far as what normal things are, and he can’t follow them all, especially since he doesn’t put any on me. He said that I make things weird that are not weird, and he can do the same to me, by telling me that my meeting with my girlfriends, make him uncomfortable. The thing is, that I don’t do things that are questionable, I like girls nights out but I don’t make a point of doing them very often, and when I do, it’s usually a dinner or a movie, tame stuff. My single girlfriends always make a point to invite us both to everything. He said that it should make me comfortable that the group of employees he hangs out with are all pretty much married and since their spouses don’t mind, I should just relax.
I should mention that I’m in the middle of a big school project that will end this Friday, that I’m having trouble finishing. I’m a little bitter, because it’s also somewhat his area of expertise and he could help me out a lot, but just refuses. And then asks me to cook for coworkers.
This whole thing is just upsetting. I didn’t think I would be having these kinds of conversations so shortly after we are married. I thought the first few months would be more blissful, but so far, they’ve made me doubt this commitment. All this, plus his other outings, do not make me feel too wanted and actually make me feel pretty low.
Oh yes, some may gasp that we were together for 6 years and I failed to notice this. Well, this work thing materialized like 3 months before our wedding. Prior to that time very weekend, during the day day or evening, we’d usually spend together. Sure he would go out with the guys occasionally, but it wasn’t that often. And he still refuses certain outings with his friends. I would say there is DEFINITELY value in living together prior to marriage, it just doesn’t go over well with a traditional family, like mine. Oh yes, and datign for a such a long time, is not always the hottest idea…for me anyway.
That is totally annoying, I would also be bothered. As the others have said, I think you should speak with him about his, maybe he can go out with his work people like once a month? I can understand where he’s coming from, a lot of times, people from my work meet up for drinks and whatnot, no one brings their spouses/significant others. I tend to avoid these outings though or will just limit it to special occasions (like a birthday celebration) b/c I know my fiance would feel “left out”, as I would too if it were him going out all the time.
GAH. How frustrating. You try and approach the topic and he says you put all these rules on him. And knowing you’re in the middle of a project he could help you with, he asks you to bake for him? GAH GAH GAH. boys!
Honestly I think you did a great thing talking to him and if things really aren’t changing and he’s not ‘hearing’ your concerns – maybe think about marital counseling? You’re in school so I’m guessing cost may be a concern but they often offer marital counseling for free at churchs/community centers. Or if you live near a university alot of times the counseling centers need clients to ‘practice’ on.
I’m sorry you’re having such a hard newly-wed time. Maybe you should start arranging more girls nights, dinners and movies with your friends. Prove to him and to yourself that you aren’t just boring stay at home doing schoolwork girl (that was so me for 3 years at law school).
Wow. My Fiance and I do pretty much everything together (you know, that isn’t like special bonding time with our close friends). I can’t imagine him telling me I can’t go to work parties or get togethers with his buddies, especially when it’s going on all the time!
Ya’ll might want to look into some counseling for this… he may not understand how this is hurting your relationship.
I agree with a lot of responses here – he is acting completely inappropriate for a married man. The “no spouse” rule is a little concerning. Have you checked with some of the other spouses you are acquainted with? Have you verified that the events are, in fact, designated as “no spouse” events? I just hope he’s being 100% honest with you.
It sounds like he’s just not ready to grow up yet.
I know everyone else is saying this, but I had a couple thoughts when reading your posts on this thread. First of all, it sounds like you are pretty busy with school and there have been a few times when he went out without you to something you actually were invited too instead of staying home and watching you do your schoolwork. I think that’s totally fine. He’s allowed to want to go out instead of stay in and potentially be bored to tears or even worse slowing down your progress.
Second, I’m jumping on the ‘no spouse thing is weird’ bandwagon. That is totally unacceptable. It’s fine and good to hang out with coworkers outside of work and occasionaly go out for a coworker only happy hour, but anything in excess of that is inappropriate. Something like a baby shower you should definitely be invited to – unless it’s in a conference room during work hours. The reason I think it’s inappropriate is b/c there are female coworkers attending these events. Once you add females into the mix, it’s no longer a ‘friend gathering’ and you should be invited too, out of respect for your union.
Fiance and I generally try to use the rule that we don’t do anything we wouldn’t want the other to do. I would never go to a ‘coworker only’ ANYTHING on the weekend without him as I woudln’t want him to do that to me. In the case of the shower, he should send a gift but decline the invitation as he didn’t get a ‘plus one’.
Once a month my girlfriends and I have “book” club a/k/a wine club – and it’s understood that significant others are not invited (nor would they want to be!!) In addition, if I go to a bachelorette party/weekend or he goes to a bachelor party/weekend, we don’t go with each other. Other than that I don’t seek to exclude my husband, and, I am always invited whenever he has plans. It’s pretty much how things have always been with us. We have very little free time together and mostly want to spend it together.
I think Mrs. Bunny’s advice is good!
I don’t go to any of my fiance’s happy hours/work events, but I’m also always invited. I would be a little curious about that part.
Since your evenings are busy, I’m pretty understanding of him going out with friends occasionally on those nights. However, him going out multiple times a week is no way to save for a house or place of your own. We’ve both substantially limited our going out to bars and restaurants because we have things we’re saving for.
I would, under the guise of saving money if you wish, suggest the idea of potlucks and at home drinking with his work buddies, that include the spouses.You may be busy on weeknights, but you still want to see him on weekends.
I think everyone deserves some time to themselves and just their friends, but I think the frequency of his outings are a little much, considering your financial situation and your feelings about it.
Have you ever met his coworkers that he parties with? Normally I wouldn’t be concerned AT ALL with hubs going out w/ coworkers, and most times I wouldn’t WANT to go, but this strikes me as odd. It sounds like it could lead to an affair within the group if all these married folks are out partying and getting sloppy drunk and DON’T want spouses.
I also wouldn’t WANT to go to this shower, but I would also be like “bake your own [email protected] cake” in your situation..that is RIDICULOUS…and if hubs goes out w/ coworkers, unless it is a RARE ocassion, I’d expect him to be home by like 8 or 9, not 11+. Is he very young?
And, I don’t think the concern is just that he LIKES hanging out with his coworkers, that is a good thing, but it’s like he’d RATHER hang with them on the weekends…of course he still sees you, but maybe you 2 have too much “serious/home time” when he sees fun time == coworker time.
So I have worked in an environment that frequently had no spouses outings because spouses would often feel left out (like when we started making jokes about work related issues) and things would be awkward.
The thing is, nobody was ever required to go. I’d have a chat about him always going to the outings but I am not at all surprised by the frequency of no spouses outings.
I agree it is important to have the occassional guys or girls night out – and if you are doing school work during the week, it makes sense for him to do other things. But events with co workers that are on Fridays/weekends or go really late where spouses are not specifically invited is really odd to me. Especially since they are occurring so frequently. I would also see if I could talk to another spouse and see if it is indeed true, and how they really feel about it.
I agree with PP’s that this seems excessive, and there is no way in HELL I would be baking anything for someone’s baby shower that I wasn’t invited to. I think that it may be a good idea to bring up counseling with him. Let him know how hurt you are that he seems to rather spend time with his co-workers than you, and that you feel your relationship needs help. I’m sorry your going through this.
Woah, him going out when you’re busy I understand, but if you aren’t busy, you should either be a) invited, or b) spending time together. Also, I don’t like the sound of how he talks to you, it sounds a little immature. He doesn’t seem to be listening and understanding how you feel. Councelling might be a good idea to help you communicate.
My other bit of advice is to start making your own plans. If you have a night off then arrange to go visit a girlfriend. or see a movie, or do something. If he starts noticing that you aren’t at home waiting for him every night he might start to understand for you feel. Its not meant to be spiteful, just ‘oh well, Hubby is out, I’ll go catch up with Jane.’
We are not married (and not living together) yet, but we spend a considerable amount of time apart. We both work a lot, and we both have separate groups of friends (this is partially because of a language barrier, and partially because men/women having different friend groups is much more normal than in North America where I think there tends to be more couple-outings). Also, in FI’s culture, ‘drinking with the boys at work’ is not only common, it is mandatory if you want to keep your job. I have gone out with them on a few occasions in order to be introduced, but I would never want to go out with those people on a regular basis (neither does FI! he just has to). We’re both totally okay with this – but we are okay with separate socializing because it’s what we are BOTH comfortable with and meets BOTH of our expectations.
If you are not okay with the situation, or you think there is something fishy with his explanation, then those two issues are causes for concern. Married life doesn’t have to be about being together all the time, but it should be about sharing lives, goals, and expectations together. If he is going out all the time (and excluding??? you), then it is important that you communicate your feelings to him. I second other bee’s suggestions that you make ‘date’ nights together. For us, because of FI’s work socializing commitments, we found we had to make specific times to meet each other. Right now, we always see each other Thursday night and Saturday night for date nights. We can of course meet more often, and if one of us has another commitment on one of those nights, we make another night of the week a date night. Before we did this, we had sporatic date nights, and that caused A LOT of problems. Having specific nights to look forward to has helped us to organize our work/social life better, and has made the week easier to get through.^^
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